this week is so long... I felt like I have done so many things in work already yet it is still middle of week.
Archive for March 2010
Spent the day doing cleaning. Initially only wanted to clean my room. But beh tahan with how dirty the house is, so cleaned the house as well. Then wanted to go for bath, found out the bathroom is dirty as well, so cleaned it up. Then wanted to use the toilet, but the toilet is so dirty. So at the end, cleaned up the toilet as well. Then finally going to bath but realized my clothes need to be washed as well.. so washed the clothes edi... finally taking bath... sigh. so tired.
the house is full of hair. the bathroom and toilet are worse - full of hair with sludge. none of my housemates clean those up.. all princes and princesses who don't dare to touch dirty stuffs.. wtf. if u don't dare to touch dirty stuffs then how do u bath? for sure ur body has got sludge as well. those who drop hair the most don't even sweep the floor... the rest just go out for the whole weekend to avoid household chores..
hmph! there're still so many unpleasant things even not working.. i just wish i could leave as soon as possible, leave the job and eventually this place.. *runaway mode* find a place more gay friendly, find a place people are more understanding and no pressure being gay. find housemates who give basic respect to gays as much as to any normal person...
i think i m getting more 愤世嫉俗... (lit. angry with the world and resentful to the culture) =[
I think I have forgotten how to be happy.
I have not felt happy for such a long time. The last time was before my graduation when I had a crazy hang out with my uni mates. We did lots of crazy things that day. I laughed a lot that day. Laughed because it was really funny. Laughed because I was really happy. I spoke like me. I laughed like me. I did crazy stuffs like me. I felt I was me again after so long.
I tried to do the same during recent hang out, but it feels so different. It felt like I was forcing myself to be happy. My laughter wasn't that natural. It didn't feel that happy has the one before.
I have lost the feeling to be happy for so long again.
就在國二時，我頭一次感受到戀愛的氣息，對象是位女生，就那麼1次的告白， 我被對方拒絕了。 內心非常痛苦，體會到極大的挫敗感！ 因此之後,我就對女生充滿了排斥感；再也沒有任何感覺(情)了 。
李安是我非常喜歡的台灣導演，就在我大學時期，一部電影作品轟動了國際影壇。是的！那就是 斷背山 。
我聽很多人說，同性戀就是會感染愛滋病！(誰說的！難道異性戀的就不會，假神聖。) 同性戀就是有罪！他們違背了自然的法則。(何謂法則？傳宗接代嗎？得了吧…，全世界能〝傳宗接代〞的人不差我們這些同志。) 同性戀就僅會造就社會的問題！(吃屎把！別把少數的案例，當作全世界的同志都是如此。) 同性戀注定著一辈子孤單到死去的那天。(這干你屁事。)
I'm having a bad feeling. I think my housemates might have already known that I'm gay.
My housemates and I have always been making fun of each other, but these few days they have been making fun of me with gay topics. The words they use on me sound like they know something.
I think I'm in trouble. What should I do? I'm not ready for this yet. *worried*
Weekend is finally here~!
I feel a bit of relieved for being able to take a little rest... but it's always too short =(
My senior ajak me to hang out tomorrow! Looking forward! This senior is really nice to me. He told me that he's worried that I will be bullied at work. Haha. Maybe he immediately thought that it doesn't sound right saying it that way - maybe he immediately regretted for saying so. Maybe it sounds stupid but I was really happy to hear it.
I have always wanted to be protected and be worried about. Maybe because my family has always put the least worry on me, as I have always been acting as if I have nothing for them to worry about. Stupidly contradicting.
Senior is someone that I have always looked up upon. We were in the same high school. He was three years more senior than me. But he was very famous in school. He was a high achiever in academics, and also a state level (if I remember correctly) athlete. He has won so many prizes and fame for the school and himself. I was a young little unknown junior to him and has always been looking up upon him. I wanted to be as famous and as great as him. He's like a role model to me, someone whom I wanted to be (anyway, I'm in no way close enough to his level).
I remember the first time I met him in company, I couldn't believe that I'm now working in the same company as him. My friend was introducing him to me, but before my friend told me his name, I already said it out. It almost feels like your idol is now your colleague, which is so unbelievably surprising and exciting. Senior and my friend were both surprised to hear me saying out the name.
He has told me that he wants to drag me out for long, because I stay at home too much. I know well that as much as I don't like crowded places, I won't mind to go out with him, because it feels good to have someone to care for me and I want to continue to be cared about.
Anyhow, senior has a gf. He's not gay. But I feel happy enough for having a big brother like him.
I'm sorry, this is another work-related post.
FYI, I just joined my current company few months ago. My probation period was supposed to end in February, after I have submitted my log of assignments and approved by my uppers. I was forced into my current job, when I have not much interest in what I'm doing (instead, I have more interest in what I WAS doing before I get this job).
This few weeks have been hectic. Another colleague (slightly more senior than me) is away for a business trip. I had to do what was supposed to be done by two persons, which results in me neglecting my assignments log which was supposed to due last week.
I have to admit I'm bad in multitasking and time-management and prioritizing tasks and anything along the lines. This morning I finally submitted my assignment log to let my direct supervisor see. He doesn't seem to care much about it, as he didn't glance a bit on it. And I have no time to care about him checking my log or not, as I have other administrative work prior to my business trip tomorrow that is urgent and no one would do it if not me.
After my bosses have left the office. I finally settled down with my work, and realized that I haven't reminded my direct boss on my log.
So, I decided to send an SMS to my direct boss. That's where it starts all the WTFs.
My second level boss got to know about the news that I'm not confirmed until now. He sent an SMS to me blaming and questioning me why am I late in my confirmation, telling me that no one would be able to help if I don't take care of my own career, and that I should complete my log quickly and cancel my business trip if necessary.
Obviously he didn't know the whole story, except the part that I haven't submitted my approved log to HR.
WTF! I have completed my log and submitted for my direct boss's verification this morning. I felt the need to explain myself on this. So I replied on it, and nothing else on his questioning.
He replied why now, and said that he doesn't want to hear excuses. He also told me to make sure HR get it on time, and that I'm old enough to know what's important and what's urgent.
WTFF!! I was only explaining the part that he misunderstood, and I did not make excuses for the part that I'm in fault. Not to mention about the part where my direct boss is in fault - he has been chit-chatting and doing non-work related stuffs so much for today but which part of the log has he read? WTFFF!!! And how dare he complains to the big boss that I do not care about my career etc. when he saw I have not rested for a minute for the past 2 weeks?! WTFFFF!!!!
WTFFFFF!!!!! And I'm indeed very confused with what's important and what's urgent because:
- my direct boss told me I should complete the log at my own time because it is for my personal benefit.
- my direct boss told me to do something urgent, but when I completed it and let him see, he decided to leave it for tomorrow.
- my direct boss and big boss have been pushing me into completing the prior work for the coming business trip this morning itself. Little do I know my personal assignment log would be more important than this fixed and set trip.
AND, I didn't choose the job on my own will, and I have clearly stated to them during the interview that I'm interested in technical job, i.e. not the current job, and that my expertise has always been on the other side, but they insist of taking me in! Of course I would care less about this job than anyone else! What else do you expect when you force me to join you?! WTFFFFFFF!!!!!!! I thought they should be grateful enough when someone who is not interested in this job at all still work with responsibility and volunteer working extra hours when everyone is trying to escape! WTFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!! My extra hours spent has been taken for granted and not appreciated and when I don't work the extra hours due to that, my direct boss told the big boss that I don't prioritize my work. WTFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!
I hate all of you. I wish I don't have to face you fake people! I wish not to hear your time consuming lectures when what is more important is to fix the wrongdoings in time. WTFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!! I don't know how all of you cunning and untruthful creatures think and am not interested in thinking your ways.
I'm clearly bursting all the non-related things altogether because I'm indeed very furious now for being scolded unreasonably.
You can scold me on me being late in my submission, but not scolding me for giving excuse when I was not, and not scolding me for not caring about this job when I took care to complete the log, and not scolding me for not knowing what's important and what's urgent when you're the ones who confuse me this morning itself.
I wish I do not need to face you to hear your lectures! But I'm very very sure I'm going to have to hear it the day after tomorrow when I see them again. WTFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!
Well. Today I'm not going to talk about my gay life and thoughts. Instead, I would like to talk about my work.
My work is no good. Maybe I do not have enough experience in workplaces to know what is a good job. Or maybe I'm just too ambitious and idealistic.
To many, my work is good. The pay is slightly more than average (although lowest in the industry). I get to travel from time to time. Currently I get to travel domestically, and most probably will get the chance to travel overseas in a few years. The benefits provided by the company is good, although in exchange I have to comply to some of the seemingly ridiculous codes of conducts.
I want to work in technical field of my background, but ended up in a management work due to hardly avoidable circumstances. Doing management work means I have to deal with budgeting for the department, collecting training plans, keeping track of and giving out stationaries, sending documents to other departments, booking flight tickets and hotels for business trips etc. On the other hand, if I were to be in a technical job, I only need to have the know-hows on the technical side, and the most non-technical thing that I would have to do is only my claims and allowance. It really makes a difference to me when I'm so passionate with my technical skills and knowledge but I'm forced to work on a largely non-related job and not able to resign for a long time. I'm totally not good in doing management work as I've realized long ago since my uni days. I don't do well in managing clubs and events - to certain extends, I don't even manage myself well. God knows why the hell my employer insists on taking someone who is not good in managing to do management work.
The pay I get now is higher than working in my technical field. But it doesn't make sense to me to earn more money in exchange of doing what I don't want to do. I would rather get a lower pay doing something slightly more of my interest where I'm more skillful and confident in.
It is so sad for a 21-y.o. young chap like me to graduate so early. I feel like I haven't enjoyed my teen life enough before my working life. I know well of the good old Chinese saying "吃得苦中苦，方为人上人", which means a person who can endure the most suffering sufferings will become the best person among the people. But I think I'm more of a hedonist and I'm not that ambitious to be the best person. ;P
Okay, enough ranting. Tomorrow is another working day. =S
When someone 'friend'/'heart'/'message' you, you put a cold shoulder to him because he doesn't look good enough for you. And when you 'friend'/'heart'/'message' someone else, he cold-shoulders you because you don't look good enough for him.
I put my travelling status on the gay social networking site that I have joined recently. The next day, there's a sudden pop on the message in my inbox. All of them come from my travel destination, either asking to meet up or befriend with me.
It's obvious. They are not exactly looking for friends, but some no-strings attached actions.
I'm conservative. I think love should come before sex. Therefore, I told myself only to have sexual relationship with the one I love.
I really need to snap out of this... but I'm struggling.
I logged in with hope to see something that I wish to see again. I really shouldn't have placed hope on this - I should know how unlikely it would come true.
Hey, please wake up. Don't get drown in the false hopes. Your life, real life needs to go on.