Archive for December 2010


Dear has been having reoccuring sinus... He intends to look for acupuncture treatment.
But I know nothing about acupuncture in KL/Selangor area. So I have to resort in finding out from my friends and I thought I can get some input from here as well.

Anyone reading this has any related info (e.g. location, price range etc.) kindly post it as a comment.

Thanks =)

rainy day

roti: it's raining here. and i miss u, dear.
dear: i'm in train now. waa.. first time u say something like that to me.. making me smiling alone in the train.. i miss u too, dear
roti: lol
dear: i m wet because of the rain..
roti: u didnt bring an umbrella..?
dear: didnt know it would rain..
roti: i bring an umbrella everyday
dear: don't want.. so aunty.. so not masculine..
roti: (...-_-) ish bring a retractable one la.. not the mary poppin's one
dear: i only have mary poppin's one.. many of them
roti: lol. ok.. sounds like u r more willing to be wet than carrying an umbrella
dear: if u r holding an umbrella for me, i will be more happy
roti: ish.. we are staying so far away from each other.. like 20 stations away..
dear: only 19..
roti: more or less the same la..
dear: bueeekkk
roti: ;P

i like sweet little lovers' quarrels like this.

agreement on sex

I'm conservative on marriage and sex. To me, sex should only be done with someone whom I would considered married to, despite I won't be married (by ceremony) to someone. (IMO between gay couples, there's marriage too, maybe just without the ceremony.)

So after Dear told me that he got turned on by my cuteness, as much as it sounded like a wet blanket, I wanted to make it clear to him that I will not involve in 'premarital sex', unless I'm sure that I will marry the person (by or not by ceremony).

He agrees and he said he won't take my virginity. But for the rest, he can offer by demand. I declined immediately, knowing he meant oral sex. I told him that to me, oral sex is still sex, which is something only between me and my lifetime partner.

I think that's my principle and dignity. And one really good thing about Dear is that he respects my principle. =)

That's at least for the current me. I might change in the future, but at least for now I'm holding up to this principle.


i think Dear is a shotacon (fetish towards young boys or young-boy looking guys).

all this while i met him while wearing shirts, and he jokingly commented that my shirt doesn't fit me, and it was 'unhot'..

today i met him in my t-shirt, with my shaved face. and when we left each other, his feedback through whatsapp to me was that he got horny at the first glance at me today. lol

i'm short, and i have a boyish face. with my height and my boyish face shaved, if i go out with t-shirt, i can easily deceive people by saying i m a form 4 student (and i did before).

i think that's probably where Dear got attracted by me today gua.. lol

i'll treat that as a compliment.. but i realize that's lust but not love. =)

2nd date (?)

went out to meet Dear just now. but because I was so determined to reach before him, I didn't style my hair well. we only met for a short while, and I was rushing to leave. later on train, he pm'ed me..

dear: why were u rushing just now? i wanted to be with u a bit longer..
roti: oh, i wanted to buy groceries. and my hair wasn't good.. feeling embarrassed to hang out long.
dear: no lah. u were cute and handsome, seriously. if u were at my house, i would have hugged u.. hehe
roti: lols
dear: it's so nice to see u just now.. and i like u smiling and blushing
roti: eh did i? i didn't know i blushed. when was it?
dear: haha. when i looked at u
roti: lol. i didn't know i did.

i don't understand why he would want to & like to see me that much, yet doesn't want to be lovers with me. but it's ok. i must not demand for more.

and i'm so glad that i was earlier than him.

love u, Dear.

hard ice-cream

roti: have you eaten, dear?
dear: not yet.
roti: you're not hungry? it's already 8.15
dear: nope.. i had an apple and ice-cream.
roti: oooo.. eat ice-cream didn't ask me along
dear: if you are here for sure I will ask you along. for the other 'ice-cream' also can
roti: haha is that ice-cream cold?
dear: no.. but it taste good only because it's hard.. haha..
roti: lol

how does stress relate to virginity?

roti: Let me know if you are stressed. I will be your stressball.
dear: wow... are you sure?? I'm very naughty when I'm stressed.
roti: hahaha
dear: but don't worry I won't take your virginity
roti: erks
dear: lol
roti: yish2. like I want to give you my virginity. lol
dear: haha.. enough.. else later tonight I get horny
roti: self service then
dear: not best...
roti: or else what you want to do? soak in cold water? lol
dear: naughty you


I was greedy.

At first I told myself I will be lonely for the rest of my life because I want people around me to be happy, yet not wasting a girl's lifetime happiness.

Then I met him and started to imagine being his lover.

And when he rejected me, I fell apart was disappointed.

Then he explained to me, and I agreed to maintain our intimate yet non-lovers' relationship.

I should be grateful. I expected I will be lonely for the rest of my life, but fate gave me him. I should not be greedy. It's already more than what I was supposed to get and I should treasure it with thankfulness.

Thank you for letting me know you, Dear.

I will not be greedy and will not ask for more.


Omg I feel so bad, so terrible.

Dear asked me out for dinner. And I was late for 45 minutes!

I'm just hopelessly bad.

I don't have a proper reason to explain my being late..

He detests people being late the most.

I feel I'm hated.

Sorries don't work.

Please forgive me, Dear.

I gave him his happy ending

He explained to me today.

I think he's scared of hurting himself and others, so he would rather to be a very close friend with me than be a lover. He said he will have to get married.

I started to understand all he wants is someone so close to him that he can call 'dear', that he can talk to on anything, that he can hug and that has a shoulder he can lean on, yet not a lover.

I think I understand and I agreed to be just like what we were in the past few days.

It is already hurting me for being rejected, then I have to be his closest friend, and use intimate and flirty words on each other yet not being his lover. That's probably the most cruel thing for me, but I don't know what makes me agree to him. Maybe it's love. Maybe I love him so much that I'm willing to be cruel to myself to make him happy.

Love makes people blind.




keeping it 'between us'

This is the second time I request someone to keep my sexual preference between us.

It's so pointless. If I'm scared, I shouldn't even be thinking about it. And if I'm so naive to get hooked this way, making such request to some bad guys who were trying to play me makes things worse.

Too naive.

confession n: failed

He only said he was flattered.

If he felt the same way as I do, surely he would say so and then we will have a happily ever after.

But he replied otherwise.

Whatever reason it is, I failed yet again.

It's ok. I'm strong enough to take it. It is not that painful.

Time to walk away.

confession n

Omg I can't believe this. Being drunk in his kindness, I confessed to him.. he hasn't replied. I hope he feel the same...

he is my prince

As far as I can tell now, he is my prince. He has all the attributes that I want for my partner.

He is knowledgeable, good looking, caring, has an athletic body..

But as compared to him, I'm so tiny. I'm ignorant, childish, not-so-good looking, silly and skinny..

I'm feeling that I'm not good enough for him. =( He's just too good for some one like me..

game of love

I'm afraid of losing in the game of love.

While I feel the impulse to get closer to him, I try to keep myself down.
Try not to Whatsapp him too much, try not to YM him too much, try not to think about him too much.

I'm afraid to lose - as if I show to him that I need him more than he needs me, I will lose. People usually don't appreciate things that come easily, so my intuition tells me being far and near (instead of being near all the time) (若即若离) makes him appreciate my presence more.

Another thing is that I'm still not comfortable to be out. I'm not comfortable letting people I know know about my sexuality. He didn't say anything about his preference. What if I'm wrong? If I take the first move but it turns out he's not the same as me, then what? I'm in an awkward state. I know the problem is with me, but I'm just not comfortable with it yet...

And tonight seems to be quiet, without him Whatsapping me...

And I think I'm someone who is in extreme insecurity at all time. I think my subconscious mind is already asking me to prepare for lovelorn before the love even starts.

Ah. I'm a really odd one.

interracial.. love or lust?

Last Friday, I met someone I feel special on. The feeling was growing as we interact more on work. We exchanged our contacts this Friday and more flirting came along in only two days.

I used to be against interracial relationship, at least for myself, because I'm very proud of my Chinese heritage and I'm afraid that my pride towards my heritage would hurt interracial relationships. Now I've changed my opinion a little. I think full acceptance is possible when there's love. I can't imagine how my life would change if we move on further. All I can think of is that I may have to change my diet. While I don't think that would be a big problem for me, things may be different from what people imagine.

I have been thinking, are we progressing too fast? I'm worried that this comes fast and goes equally as fast.

Being very inexperienced in love, maybe I'm just desperate, or maybe it's just lust. But in any case, I think I'm going to give it a try, if it develops further.


I know the fact that those that are kind to me will encourage me in doing anything, but only those who concerns about me would tell me about the reality and make me facce it. I also know that in this world full of betrayal, my family are the only ones that will never betray me.

So I'm heeding their advice although I was very firm to go for mine.

Job hunt is going on!













我不明白,我家人难道没想过在这种时候提出反对,就算再怎么有理也只会造成伤害。我现在的工作早在两个月前就辞掉了,三个月的预警期就快届满;我租的房间也已经退了,租到十二月底就不租了;我也已经答应接受我的新工作了,新工作的email甚至都已经开始有往来了;我已经向所有问我的人说了,我的新工作是在家里做的(work from home),所以辞职生效后我会回到我家去……这些种种都已经做了,我还能有退路吗?这个时候反对,我又能做什么来迎合你们?你们知不知道你们这时候提出反对,是对我非常残忍的吗?你们可知道要走到这一步需要多少勇气?你们可知道我将来的成败就看我走的够不够坚定?你们可知道我每个几天就会被这噩梦惊醒,害我生活乱了调?