I wanted to end the year with a happy post but I guess I just can't. My life and I are just too negative.
Ever since I was young, I've not been telling my problems to my family. My family has never been peaceful, I just don't want to bring more worries to the family.
I thought I was strong, to be able to keep things in myself and endure them.
But as I grow older, problems I face are getting more difficult. And as they accumulate, I started to realise that there will be a day that I won't be able to keep them all in myself anymore.
Posting on Facebook or Twitter is not the way to go. I don't want to catch the attention of people who know me. I just want to stay low profile. I don't want to sound like a whining boy to them.
So I started blogging. As much as I whine here, at least I'm somewhat anonymous. At least no one really knows me here.
But as I blog, I'm starting to care about what I write here. I don't want to write to myself here. I want to write something that somebody actually cares to read. So I started to think twice whenever I have a problem that I want to blog about. I try my best not to sound like an overly negative person. Sometimes I delete the whole post after finished composing it, just because I realise it is too negative and I'm afraid to lose more readers.
And so I tell myself to be strong, and keep the things inside myself again.
But I'm really tired. Tired of being strong. Or rather faking to be strong.
I'm actually not strong at all. I'm weak. Hopelessly weak.
I heard crying is actually a good way to letting it out and I tried secretly. But no, it doesn't work for me. I feel the sourness in my nasal cavity but tears just won't come out. It feels as if my body won't let me to be weak at all. I cry for others easily but I just can't cry for myself.
I know self-pity brings me nowhere and I should overcome it but I'm really not that strong.
Sometimes I wish 2012 would really be the end of the world.