I'm curious about how is it like being a Malay, Muslim and gay at the same time. Can anyone enlighten me?
— rotiboy (@the_rotiboy) May 18, 2012

I tweeted about my curiosity on how is it like being a Malay, Muslim and gay at the same time. The reason being, I see more Chinese gay guys than Malay or Indian gay guys on Grindr. That makes me wonder, could it be because of cultural difference that makes more Chinese gay guys? And Muslim's religious views seem to be very much against homosexuality, while that's not in the case of Buddhism, Taoisim, Hindusim or Sikhism (at least not that I know of any absolutely opposing views from them).

soul232 took care to answer my queries.

But on second thought, I think I should probably write a post about how is it like being an almost free-thinking Chinese gay guy like me. I think it's good for us gay guys to understand each other who are from different cultural and religious backgrounds in the context of homosexuality.

I can't exactly speak for Chinese, and I doubt I know enough other Chinese gay guys to have a representative view on this. But at least for my case, homosexuality is not something that can openly discussed in my family. Not that my family is blatantly against it, but rather, I don't dare to talk about it with my family for the fear of disappointment of my parent. I doubt my family will disown me over this though.

Being born in a Chinese-Buddhist + Taoist family, I've never heard of anything from my religions and beliefs that have anything against homosexuality. In Taoism, we have Pangu who was said to have created the Heaven and Earth, Nuwa who was said to have created humans from clay, but I doubt any Chinese of today still think they are true. We are very much inclined to think of them as mythologies and believe a more scientific explanation of human evolution.

On the side note, I don't consider myself a Buddhist nor a Taoist, but I don't think this part of me makes me have different views on sexuality from a, say, practiced Buddhist/Taoist Chinese gay guy. Our religions have rules but it's up to us the believers to adopt it up to any level we want. I don't believe in religions but I believe in morality, ethics and philosophies. I believe the philosophical part of Taoism but I don't practice the rituals.

I have a conservative view on sexual activity and ideally, it should only be done between married couples, or couples who are sure to marry each other. In a gay context, to me ideally, it should only be done between very stable couples even since they can't get married in front of law and in a ceremony in Malaysia. But this is a very different view from most other Chinese gay guys who simply don't care.

Probably that's also because I'm a good boy. =P I don't drink and I don't smoke, too.

With regards to the process of coming out, I didn't realised that I'm not quite the same as others until when I was in high school. I accepted the fact that I'm gay when I was in university, but I decided to stay in the closet. And I fully stayed in the closet for about 5 years. It only takes me about two years from a fully closeted guy to someone who is starting to come out. But I guess those are more of my character than my cultural background.

How is it like being a gay like you with your religion and cultural background? I would love to know about anything, even if you're of the same cultural background as me. Link to this blog post if you're writing in your blog so that Blogger can automatically post a pingback in the comments and notify me (I think it does), or click the 'Create a Link' at the bottom of this page to post to your blog directly and notify my blog at the same time.

Do you have a special preference on what race your ideal partner should be?

I thought being a very 'Chinese' person, I would only be able to accept a Chinese guy, too. I was quite against interracial relationship for myself due to cultural difference. But it turns out race doesn't really matter to me. What I mean is, if I fall in love with a Malay guy, it will be no different from falling for a Chinese guy. I still get the same lovey feeling, except when we go into a relationship, I might have to change my diet and lifestyle a bit. Other than that, love is still love, there's no such thing as Chinese love or Malay love or Indian love. (Okay-lah if you're more into sex, the same goes, too—there's no Chinese sex, Malay sex or Indian sex.)

I think it's okay to have a preference on the race you would like to be in a relationship with. Some guys even have a special fetish on a certain race other than their own. I know a Malay guy who prefers Chinese guys. When I asked for further explanation (because I couldn't comprehend why), he told me that he's fond of the 'scent' or pheromone of Chinese guys. I still don't really understand, especially when I don't even know if I can smell pheromones, but I accepted his explanation and respect his preference.

What I disagree with is to base our preferences merely on the prejudice we've got for other races. And unfortunately that happens to Chinese in Malaysia a lot, according to what I've seen. There's a fallacy among many (but not all) Chinese that Chinese is more superior than other races in Malaysia. What is it based on? Nothing, other than the prejudice against other races that they were less hardworking, less smart etc. As Chinese, while I'm proud of my heritage and culture, I often feel ashamed by this notion among the Chinese people. That opinion itself is exactly the thing that makes us less superior than other races IMO.

Other than that, we ourselves as gay have been discriminated enough, why discriminate others too? We all know how it feels, right? Having prejudice against other races is a form of discrimination. Same goes to discrimination against effeminate guys or transexual people. We can disagree with the way they behave physically, or the way they dress up, but we should not judge them by those. We may prefer people of our own race due to cultural similarity, but not because we feel our race is more superior without any other further reasons.

Anyway, everyone is entitled to their opinion. As much as I'm against having sex with someone you don't love, I can't stop you from doing it. Same thing goes to this case. While I disagree with the preferences that are based on prejudice, the people with this kind of preferences can still keep them. The most I can do is only to advise and advocate on getting rid of the prejudice and prejudice-based preferences, but I can't force you to submit to my opinion on this matter. It's the very same human right concept that LGBT people have been fighting for, "self-determination"—everyone has their right to have the autonomy on their own matters, including but not limited to deciding who they are, how they live their lives, and what they think and do.

EDIT: Corrected translation of '红粉' as 'rouge'.

In modern Chinese vocabulary, there's a type of friend that is categorised as '红粉知己', literary means pink rouge confidant. The colour pink word rouge here refers to female. In a straight context, this phrase can mean the woman in a man's extra marital affair or a man's secret lover other than his girlfriend. But in a gay context, this phrase means a trusted female friend whom one can confides anything in.

I think my coming out to a handful of friends has earned me such a friend. She's sensible and rational. She's always ready to give good advices—even if she doesn't have them, she has resources to consult to and in turn forwards the advices to me.

At first, I only talked to her on matters regarding my sexuality, because at that time I was only out to her. But slowly I started to talk about my career, my ambitions etc. and now practically anything when I need opinion on.

I do not have many friends that I can talk to. So when I'm having a hard time, I try my best to get through it. If I really need someone to talk to, I would chat with her. Like the other day, we talked about my career. She told me not to make decisions recklessly.

roti: Okok, promise you I'll think over even if I get an offer tomorrow. You'll be made known about it too.

pink: LOL, knowing u, u'd probably hop on a plane and settle down there, then baru tell me

(I thought that was really true considering my track record to her. I only told her about something happened to me after I have made a decision)

roti: Haha. I'll try not to haha

pink: omg it's 2.40 am. Could you please just sleep already????

roti: Yeah, go to sleep woman.

pink: u've got a haywired bio clock

roti: Damn true

pink: yeah yeah good night gay man

roti: good night woman :)

I think that's a casual conversation, which rarely happens on me. I can hardly put up a casual conversation like this with others.

While I may not be successful in looking for my significant other, I think at least there's someone I can talk to when I need some sense of acknowledgement. I'd say I'm pretty lucky already.

Do you have such a friend? Male or female?

Lately, I've decided to put up my profile photo on Grindr. It turns out I've got some 'market' too. I guess although I'm not really gorgeous looking, I'm not as bad as I thought too. At least people are still willing to start a chat with me.

Also lately, when I'm browsing on Grindr, there's this one guy that really got my attention. Decent looking (that's how I and probably most of us 'browse' anyway). But what got my attention the most is his 'About'. I've never encountered another person who describes himself in a way so alike to me.

After stalking observing him for some time, one fine day I went on searching for things about him on the Internet. It's not that hard to look for things about him with the online information gathering skills that I'm kinda proud of. Plus, the name he puts there is kinda uncommon. Within a couple of minutes, I get to know his full name, where he works and has worked at, his blog etc. I know it's kinda creepy that I'm able to get to know so much about him (like those pervert middle-aged stalkers) but well I guess stalking online is socially acceptable, right? After all, we all do that on Facebook all the time (actually I don't).

So back to this guy, I wanted to know him but I think again and it's probably better to train myself to be more confident talking to others first.

I'm probably overly careful but I guess it's because I'm really concerned to make sure I do well. Also, I want to observe myself to make sure it won't be like last time, and I really want to affirm my feelings and thought before making a move.

So do you stalk on Grindr like I do? =P

I'm not talking about the gay dating site—I'm talking about the ability to 'sense' and identify whether a person is gay or not i.e. gay + radar.

Have you ever wonder why most gay people have gaydar whereas we've never heard of straight people having 'straightdar' i.e. ability to identify whether a person is straight?

I have a theory. Gay people have long been treated as something not in the norm of the society, e.g. by default, people would assume anyone is straight. The normal has always been for the straight but not for the gay. And when the society deems the norm to be straight, gay people have to find ways to look for people like them. That in turn makes them to gain the ability to observe very subtle clues. I believe if the perception towards gay and straight in the society was the other way round, the straight people would be the ones who gain their 'straightdar' and gaydar probably wouldn't exist.

I think gaydar is basically an ability developed in gay people (based on stereotypes on gay people themselves, i.e. what you think a gay person would behave like) due to human's social instinct to find a community they belong to. When not being used for finding like-minded people, I think gaydar is just really sharp observation skills.

IMHO there's some connexion between gaydar and gay people's fashion sense. Gay as we know are generally better than straight people in fashion sense and many are some of the best fashion designers. I don't think it comes by coincidence, nor it comes naturally. I would believe that by gaining gaydar, gay designers also gain sharp observation skills which in turn give them great fashion sense.

But I heard for some people, gaydar deteriorates over time. I've heard people used to be good in it lost it almost totally without apparent reasons. While I don't think one would lose its observation skills without apparent reasons, I can't find an explanation of losing gaydar.

But then again, not every gay person has gaydar. Some have never had it but probably still live a good life as a gay person.

So do you have gaydar? Anyone has already lost it? Have you ever put your gaydar in used other than finding gay people?

EDIT: DISCLAIMER: I'm not trying to promote sexual activities to anyone here. To me personally, sexual activities should be between couples who are committed in a healthy relationship. If you're still a virgin, I would advise you to keep your virginity for your true love and be proud of being able to keep your virginity.

Yup, I'm one of them. I have tried both top and bottom positions but neither works for me. I just don't get the pleasure from both positions (in fact I like cuddling and frotting more).

note: come to think of it, this is probably the most 'outspoken' blog post of mine so far…

It was kinda disturbing for me. I thought a gay man should like either one, or both. But I realised it isn't the case when I read about it on the Internet. In fact according to many sources, most gay men don't enjoy anal sex as much as they do for other forms of sexual activities.

I think the gay pornography industry publicises anal sex too much and causes this misconception to even gay men. Many think that anal sex is 'the' sex and the rest are just for foreplay. But other forms of sex e.g. blowjob, frottage, intercrural sex, mutual masturbation etc. can actually be primary means of intimacy too.

When talking to a gay man, most of us would ask whether he's a top or bottom, or versatile. I'm not exactly a bottom – I prefer to be 'taken care of' (not effeminate though), thus a less dominant role. So when someone asks me this question, I usually say that I'm a versatile bottom. But somehow I now think it's not the exact answer. Maybe next time I'll just answer I'm not into anal. :)

Come to think of it, this is probably why according to a survey done by Simonlover, there are so many versatile gay men in Malaysia. I wonder if some of them are like me, not into anal but because there is no such 'option' in the categorisation, so they chose 'versatile'? The 'categorisation' we have been using so far is, in a way, over-generalisation. Asking whether a person is a top or bottom assumes the person is into anal sex.

Instead of asking whether a person is top or bottom (a closed-ended question), we can probably ask 'what kind of sex are you into?' (an open-ended question). So the answer can be anything like (but not limiting to; and can be multiple too):

• Anal sex, as a top
• Anal sex, versatile
• Face-fucking
• Cock sucking
• Frottage
• Cuddling
• etc.

So what is in your list?