Apparently the best healing potion for me is meeting someone new.

From my recent episodes, I'm picking up the pieces to move on. While I'm on it, I'm writing down how I'm doing it, just in case they are helpful for anyone in the future.

In another few days, I'm going to relocate myself to KL again. I'm quite excited for the move. The first thing is of course I can start anew—new place, new housemates, new company, new colleagues, new friends.

I haven't told any of my existing friends on my move (except those that I have no choice but to let them know). Partially because I want to experiment and simulate living in a completely new place, without any friends and family.

Another part of it is that I'm planning to live openly as a gay guy—not having to hide my sexuality. IMO, letting newly known people know that I'm gay should be easier than coming out to existing friends. That's because we have established relationships with existing friends, so we are more afraid of losing existing friends than of losing someone we just get to know. That's why I've decided that for me, I should come out to my new friends first.

I haven't planned exactly how I'm going to come out to my new friends, and I probably won't plan anything in an actionable manner. To me, too much planning on certain matters sometimes will eventually cause more disappointment. Usually when we plan on something, we are putting expectations on how it should work. The more we plan, the higher we expect, and the higher we expect, the more we feel disappointed when things don't go according to our plans. So to avoid the disappointments and whatnots, I'm not going to plan anything specific. Planning to come out to new friends before existing friends is probably the most specific I can plan already.

Of course I don't think I can hide my whereabouts from my existing friends for long. The area where I'm going to live and work at is just around the area where I used to live. I may bump into my existing friends anytime. When the time comes, that's probably the time I need to start preparing to come out to (or even to be found out as gay by) my existing friends already. That can be in a few months, or a few years. For that I will let my fate to decide.

Sounds like a challenging plan, and I'm not sure if I can handle it. But I guess it's about time I do something about my closeted self, because I might not be able to get a better opportunity to do something about it in the future.

The word 'otaku' is from Japanese language which means a homebody who often with an obsession about something (usually anime, manga, games or other indoor hobbies). The original meaning of otaku means 'home' or 'you', written as お宅 in Japanese. But later, the meaning extended to its current modern slang form and written in hiragana おたく or katagana オタク to be distinguished from the original meaning.

In Japanese language, the word often carries negative meaning, but when used in a specific context, it can be an equivalent to 'geek', most of time it means an anime or manga fan, not necessarily with social ineptness.

In Chinese language, the word 宅, which is a valid Chinese character, is taken directly to mean the otaku-ness, or as an adjective of being an otaku (despite its original meaning in Chinese language which also means home). A male otaku in Chinese is called a 宅男, whereas the female equivalent is 腐女 (lit. rotten female).

Despite its loan nature from Japanese language, the word 宅男, when being used in Chinese language, is generally understood as a homebody, without the specific obsession part in the more often usage of otaku.

This song with the title '宅' by Leo Ku uses a very smart play of the word. The theme of the song is about a lonely guy who became a homebody due to being single (implying that he ended a relationship). The lyricist uses the word 宅 to replace all occurrences of 在 in this song for their similar pronunciation, and verbalises the word 宅, effectively emphasises the theme and the title of the song. Creative. I haven't seen this kind of wordplay in other songs.

That being said, I really like this song for its creative value, and also the relevance of its lyrics to me.

There was a time when the Central Plain was in chaos. The feudal system started to dissolve as the king lost his power over his nobles. Five of the states rose to power. Historians call this period the Spring and Autumn Period.

The condition worsened when the smaller states were absorbed by the larger ones, and then the larger states started to fight each other over the smaller ones. The five superpowers became seven. Historians call this period of time the Warring States Period.

The constant warfare of those times bred the rise of scholars. They thought the society was ill, and it needs a good ideology to treat its illness. So they came out with various philosophies encompass a broad range of disciplines including ethics and morality, sociology, politics, military, culture and religion etc. They voiced and published their ideas and thoughts, debated them and preached for the adoption of their philosophies by various states to end the warfare. The amount of philosophers was so many that the time was called a time of Hundred Schools of Thoughts.

I think the state of Malaysia now, although not in warfare like those times, has a lot in common with the times. Many knowledgable and patriotic people of all walks of life rise to speak their minds. Views and opinions are aplenty and in varieties, but injustice and misconducts are not uncommon, too. Associating our times with the times of Hundred Schools of Thoughts may be too much of flattering to ourselves, but there are definitely a lot of things we can learn from the history and wisdom of the ancient people.

In Malaysia, I'm not sure what's the right answer for questions like "how are you" or "how's your day". I think Westerners see them as a form of small talk, so the answer is always 'good' or 'fine'. They only expect a reply, but they don't care what you answer. Just like how we are taught in schools, for "How are you?", the reply is always "I'm fine. Thank you."

But many Malaysians see it like a real question and answer it by telling how they have not been good, how they've been busy etc. The grammar nazi in me feels like standing out to correct them, but I always brush it off. And it's become so common among the people I talk to to the point that my responses like "I'm fine" are odd to them.

I'm still undecided whether this should be considered a register or simply bad command of English among the people I talk to, but I'll just stick with "I'm fine, thank you."

Do you have a special preference on what race your ideal partner should be?

I thought being a very 'Chinese' person, I would only be able to accept a Chinese guy, too. I was quite against interracial relationship for myself due to cultural difference. But it turns out race doesn't really matter to me. What I mean is, if I fall in love with a Malay guy, it will be no different from falling for a Chinese guy. I still get the same lovey feeling, except when we go into a relationship, I might have to change my diet and lifestyle a bit. Other than that, love is still love, there's no such thing as Chinese love or Malay love or Indian love. (Okay-lah if you're more into sex, the same goes, too—there's no Chinese sex, Malay sex or Indian sex.)

I think it's okay to have a preference on the race you would like to be in a relationship with. Some guys even have a special fetish on a certain race other than their own. I know a Malay guy who prefers Chinese guys. When I asked for further explanation (because I couldn't comprehend why), he told me that he's fond of the 'scent' or pheromone of Chinese guys. I still don't really understand, especially when I don't even know if I can smell pheromones, but I accepted his explanation and respect his preference.

What I disagree with is to base our preferences merely on the prejudice we've got for other races. And unfortunately that happens to Chinese in Malaysia a lot, according to what I've seen. There's a fallacy among many (but not all) Chinese that Chinese is more superior than other races in Malaysia. What is it based on? Nothing, other than the prejudice against other races that they were less hardworking, less smart etc. As Chinese, while I'm proud of my heritage and culture, I often feel ashamed by this notion among the Chinese people. That opinion itself is exactly the thing that makes us less superior than other races IMO.

Other than that, we ourselves as gay have been discriminated enough, why discriminate others too? We all know how it feels, right? Having prejudice against other races is a form of discrimination. Same goes to discrimination against effeminate guys or transexual people. We can disagree with the way they behave physically, or the way they dress up, but we should not judge them by those. We may prefer people of our own race due to cultural similarity, but not because we feel our race is more superior without any other further reasons.

Anyway, everyone is entitled to their opinion. As much as I'm against having sex with someone you don't love, I can't stop you from doing it. Same thing goes to this case. While I disagree with the preferences that are based on prejudice, the people with this kind of preferences can still keep them. The most I can do is only to advise and advocate on getting rid of the prejudice and prejudice-based preferences, but I can't force you to submit to my opinion on this matter. It's the very same human right concept that LGBT people have been fighting for, "self-determination"—everyone has their right to have the autonomy on their own matters, including but not limited to deciding who they are, how they live their lives, and what they think and do.

For two people to fall in love with each other and be in a relationship needs a lot more than the chemistry between the two. Being able to meet and get to know a person is serendipity. If both have the feelings for each other, it's also serendipity. If everything is fine for the two to move on to a relationship, it's also serendipity. To me, every part of it is about serendipity or yuanfen or fate, or whatever you want to call it.

Let's say two people are fond of each other and both want to move into a relationship. But if one of them cannot spare sufficient time or effort to the relationship, I don't think it will work out, no matter how right they feel for each other. The time is not in favour of them, which for me, I will conclude it as there's not enough serendipity.

Likewise, if the two are willing to spare the time to ensure a relationship work out, but one of them doesn't have enough chemistry on the other, things are unlikely to work well too. We can't force a person to like us, and the same applies to the first case, too, we can't force a person to spare enough time or effort to build a relationship.

But for me, serendipity is pretty 'magical'. In the first case, the two may not have time for each other right now, but they may have it in the future. If both are single and still have the feelings for each other, then things may turn out well between them too. Likewise, in the second case, one of them may not have the feelings for the other right now, but he may have it in the future.

I have come to realise that there's no need to cling to a person to beg for his time or effort to build a relationship. If he's not free, it means he's either not keen enough to spare a bit more time or effort, or simply he's not ready in terms of time. In any case, there isn't enough serendipity between us. The best thing I can do for myself is only to move on, on my own.

P.S.: I'm now on Twitter, too! Follow me there!

I recently came across the phrase 同妻 (lit. "a gay man's wife") which means straight spouse. It refers to the women who are married to gay men.

A Chinese news channel had a cover story on these straight spouses recently.

Guardian UK also had an article dated years ago on the marriages between a straight and a homosexual person and the coming out of the homosexual spouses. The straight spouses were generally supportive of their homosexual spouses when they came out even though they have divorced.

But that's not the case for those straight spouses in the Chinese programme. Probably due to the norm of the society, the circumstances of the wives of homosexual husbands are usually not as optimistic as the ones from UK.

A rough estimate of the total number of straight spouses in China is said to be more than 10 million. That's easily two times the population of the entire Singapore.

The plight of these Chinese straight spouses include unhappy family lives, domestic violence, higher risk of HIV, pressure of public opinion and gossips, pressure from family to have children, depression etc. I guess the most direct one is that how can a person be happy to marry someone that does not love him or her? And I can hardly imagine how devastating it is for a woman to find out that the man that promised her happiness and stability for the rest of her life is gay.

Quoting from another Chinese TV programme that made the coverage on this issue, 'due to the ignorance of the traditional society, under the pressure from public opinion, 90 percent of gay man in China choose marriage, but most of their spouses know nothing about it.'

The keyword here is ignorance. Doesn't that sound similar to the Malaysian society?

The ignorance causes the heartbreaking stories and perturbing plight of the straight spouses. By making the society more homophobic, we will only produce more of these straight spouses in distress. Do we really want this in Malaysia?

So don't try to marry a girl when you know or even suspect you're gay.

I've heard people talking about the 30-year-old milestone for women. 30 is a big number for women. For those who are already in relationships, they want to get married before they reach this age. But for those not in relationships, they want to find the right man before 30.

I think the same applies to gay guys too.

I got to know a guy in his late 20's. He told me that he wants to find someone to settle down with. Hearing that from him, the talks of the 30-year-old milestone came to my mind. I suddenly realised that he's having the symptoms of facing the approaching milestone.

That backed me off a bit. And I stopped contacting him. It's not that I do not want to find someone to settle down with, but I wasn't sure about my feelings towards him, and I didn't know how long it would take for me to confirm the feelings. So I thought it's probably better for him to look for someone else rather than wasting his time on me being uncertain. I'm pretty sure if I were him, I wouldn't want to spend my critical year approaching 30, on a guy who might end up not the right person for me.

Somehow that 30-year-old milestone thing keeps wandering in my mind after that. Some guys are most attractive when they are around 30, but I'm pretty sure that for me, I would be even less attractive than I am right now. I would be as anxious as the guy to look for the right person by that time.

While I know well I must not rush into a relationship, I can't help to worry a little about my 30-year-old milestone too because time really flies.

Maybe I should really divert my attention to doing something else rather than thinking about this.

I find it both amusing and saddening that many Malaysian gay men either don't understand what it means in the relationship status they are putting for themselves, or they don't take relationship status seriously.

Call me a relationship-status nazi or whatever. I really think the statuses should mean what they are supposed to mean.

I see many young boys on Grindr simply put their relationship status as 'engaged' or 'married'. Some single guys put their relationship status as 'open relationship'.

Personally I think being 'engaged' should really mean being engaged. That is, the guy is getting married soon. If he's getting married in Malaysia, then he will soon have a (straight) family, except this husband-to-be is a little gatal to know what is it like to have a relationship with a guy.

And I think if a guy's relationship status is 'married', by right it should indicate that he probably is someone who has a wife or even children but is gatal to have a relationship with a guy, because Malaysia only recognises marriage between a man and a woman (or up to four women).

For gay couples who are in very stable relationships comparable to marriage, I think the right status is 'partnered'. Malaysia does not recognise gay marriage. But if I'm not mistaken, 'partnered' is a status for couples in domestic partnerships or civil partnerships etc. in countries that recognise these relationships legally. So being 'partnered' is the closest possible status to refer to gay couples who are practically but not legally married.

And seriously, if you're a single gay man who is very 'open'-minded, or 'open' to any possibilities, that does not make you in an 'open relationship'. Look it up before you put that as your relationship status!

Jangan gatal.

There are some questions raised by a reader from my previous post titled "A Beginner's Guide as A Gay Person" in the comments. I tried to reply in the comments area itself but it's too lengthy to be posted as a comment. So I'm replying his questions as a follow-up blog post here.

Here's the question:

Hi! I have something to ask about point number 3...hmmm, supposedly those gay dating sites or grindr are for gay people to browse thru..however, I am also afraid that there may be straight homophobic people who are so free like they have got nothing else to do, who will purposely visits those site, just to hunt down gay guys around them whom they recognize, and exposing them to get fun.. do you think this will happen? I have not been to any gay dating sites, so maybe you can enlighten me about the possibility of that? or well maybe I am just being paranoid, hahah!

Again, too long, so click on the Read More link.

I'm starting to notice that many who visit my blog (stealthily without commenting) are still in the closet, or sort of preparing themselves to start coming out. So as someone who have been through that (partially. I'm still not out to my family and most of my friends), I've learned about myself and the gay community quite a bit, too. I guess rather than keeping them for myself, might as well I write them down in a blog post, who knows they may help those who are just starting to accept that they are gay. But bear in mind that everyone's circumstances are different so what applies to me may or may not apply to you.

This is going to be quite long, so click on Read More to continue reading.

I'm not talking about the gay dating site—I'm talking about the ability to 'sense' and identify whether a person is gay or not i.e. gay + radar.

Have you ever wonder why most gay people have gaydar whereas we've never heard of straight people having 'straightdar' i.e. ability to identify whether a person is straight?

I have a theory. Gay people have long been treated as something not in the norm of the society, e.g. by default, people would assume anyone is straight. The normal has always been for the straight but not for the gay. And when the society deems the norm to be straight, gay people have to find ways to look for people like them. That in turn makes them to gain the ability to observe very subtle clues. I believe if the perception towards gay and straight in the society was the other way round, the straight people would be the ones who gain their 'straightdar' and gaydar probably wouldn't exist.

I think gaydar is basically an ability developed in gay people (based on stereotypes on gay people themselves, i.e. what you think a gay person would behave like) due to human's social instinct to find a community they belong to. When not being used for finding like-minded people, I think gaydar is just really sharp observation skills.

IMHO there's some connexion between gaydar and gay people's fashion sense. Gay as we know are generally better than straight people in fashion sense and many are some of the best fashion designers. I don't think it comes by coincidence, nor it comes naturally. I would believe that by gaining gaydar, gay designers also gain sharp observation skills which in turn give them great fashion sense.

But I heard for some people, gaydar deteriorates over time. I've heard people used to be good in it lost it almost totally without apparent reasons. While I don't think one would lose its observation skills without apparent reasons, I can't find an explanation of losing gaydar.

But then again, not every gay person has gaydar. Some have never had it but probably still live a good life as a gay person.

So do you have gaydar? Anyone has already lost it? Have you ever put your gaydar in used other than finding gay people?

EDIT: DISCLAIMER: I'm not trying to promote sexual activities to anyone here. To me personally, sexual activities should be between couples who are committed in a healthy relationship. If you're still a virgin, I would advise you to keep your virginity for your true love and be proud of being able to keep your virginity.

Yup, I'm one of them. I have tried both top and bottom positions but neither works for me. I just don't get the pleasure from both positions (in fact I like cuddling and frotting more).

note: come to think of it, this is probably the most 'outspoken' blog post of mine so far…

It was kinda disturbing for me. I thought a gay man should like either one, or both. But I realised it isn't the case when I read about it on the Internet. In fact according to many sources, most gay men don't enjoy anal sex as much as they do for other forms of sexual activities.

I think the gay pornography industry publicises anal sex too much and causes this misconception to even gay men. Many think that anal sex is 'the' sex and the rest are just for foreplay. But other forms of sex e.g. blowjob, frottage, intercrural sex, mutual masturbation etc. can actually be primary means of intimacy too.

When talking to a gay man, most of us would ask whether he's a top or bottom, or versatile. I'm not exactly a bottom – I prefer to be 'taken care of' (not effeminate though), thus a less dominant role. So when someone asks me this question, I usually say that I'm a versatile bottom. But somehow I now think it's not the exact answer. Maybe next time I'll just answer I'm not into anal. :)

Come to think of it, this is probably why according to a survey done by Simonlover, there are so many versatile gay men in Malaysia. I wonder if some of them are like me, not into anal but because there is no such 'option' in the categorisation, so they chose 'versatile'? The 'categorisation' we have been using so far is, in a way, over-generalisation. Asking whether a person is a top or bottom assumes the person is into anal sex.

Instead of asking whether a person is top or bottom (a closed-ended question), we can probably ask 'what kind of sex are you into?' (an open-ended question). So the answer can be anything like (but not limiting to; and can be multiple too):

• Anal sex, as a top
• Anal sex, versatile
• Face-fucking
• Cock sucking
• Frottage
• Cuddling
• etc.

So what is in your list?