Guy in the Closet

A lot has happened while I was away from this blog. I got into a dramatic relationship.

A and I were chatting well and all. It was all fine when we had dinner on our first meeting. It was only until the end of the date that we turned sour. After that, we'd never contacted each other for months.

One fine day, after burying him in my memories for long, he suddenly came into my mind. I missed him. So I asked him out. After the second date, we started to like each other.

Until a few weeks later, he told me that he's going abroad to further his studies in September. I knew I can't maintain a long distance relationship. So I decided to stay away from him as soon as I could before I fell for him further.

So I stopped seeing A. I started to date E. Probably due to the urge to get my feelings away from A, I went into a relationship with E too quickly. A eventually got to know that I went for someone else. And that's the time he realised that he really loves me. I've caused him a heartbreak.

And as it's bound to happen, I started to realise I don't love E enough to be in a relationship with him. I couldn't lie to myself that I don't love E, and I started to realise E was mostly after my body. So I decided to be frank with E that I was wrong about my feelings to him. But E still wanted to try. He suggested to have some time for us to cool down while he was away for vacation before jumping into separation, although eventually, we broke up.

Then A got better and we started to hang out like friends, at the same time I kept my distance from falling for him. I started chatting with new guys on Grindr again and I got to know D. D had a really bad relationship and was losing hope in love and gay guys before knowing me. Probably because of my obvious not-for-fun tagline, D probably thought he has found someone different and probably wanted a rebound from me. I thought he was a good candidate too and started investing emotions. But shortly after a few meetings, D came clear that he didn't want to be in a relationship for good. I'm not sure whether it was an excuse to reject me or not, but I was really hurt thinking that that was probably karma for me.

A being the closest gay friend of mine of that time, was the only person whom I thought could listen to me to relief my pain. But when he heard that I was trying to date new guys, it was another heartbreak for him. He started to avoid me again.

After thinking over what happened since I got to know A, and then E and D, I finally realised that A is the one I love all this while. E and D are really just people that I happened to know when I needed to run away from my feelings towards A. And having broken A's heart twice, undoubtedly he has the same feelings for me too.

I knew I couldn't avoid this any more. We both are in love with each other, but the only problem was that I did not have enough courage to be in a relationship with him because he is not going to be here for long. So I started to think over a lot of possibilities, and finally built up the courage to be in a relationship with him, and decided to go abroad with him when he has to leave. It was not an easy decision to make, because I've finally made up my mind to settle down in KL before I knew him. This relationship changed my entire life plan.

But he was hurt by me twice, making him hesitant to be in a relationship with me. After putting some efforts to court him, I finally moved him and we officially started our relationship. We had great times together for over a month. Throughout the month, there were a few arguments over really petty matters. I thought they are normal and they are part of the process of understanding each other.

Until the most recent argument, that it became clear to me, that he can never let himself 'lose' in an argument. He always wants to be at the winning side, regardless of whose fault it was. Even when he was in fault, he never apologises until it became an issue i.e. I raised the issue when I felt very uncomfortable for his non-apologetic attitude. And when he apologises (or rather being forced to), he has 101 reasons to defend himself, effectively renders his apologies as insincere ones. For someone who over-thinks a lot like me, his untimely, insincere apologies often did not make things better as I've already over-thought a lot of negative possibilities, in a way making the issues bigger. For this time, I over-thought of what I've done for him—toning down my temper, learning to be a romantic boyfriend, revamping my entire life plan just to be with him etc., in exchange I got the response of 'I did not ask you to change for me'—a total non-appreciation of what I've done for our relationship.

"This is exactly why I don't want you to 'sacrifice' for me," he added, "I don't want you to blame me for making you change."

He doesn't want to be accountable for what I've done for our relationship. He thinks we both should just be ourselves and both should accept each other wholly without the need of change (or rather only him be himself and I should change myself to accept him wholly). How could I possibly tolerate his temper without changing myself to? Total oxymoron.

And when I found that we couldn't keep calm to talk to each other at all because both of us were in really bad temper, I called it off. What surprised me is that he threatened to break up if I don't pick up his call or call him. Breakup is a word I would never mentioned in arguments but it came out so easily from him. Together with his prior questioning of whether we are compatible or not, it makes me suspect that he has it in mind all this while, waiting for a chance to say it out.

Being upset and disappointed, I agreed.

Immediately on Facebook, he publicly asked me to return his shirt that he left with me and wished me all the best without mentioning my name.

Boom. It's real. With public announcement.

On the very next day, immediately after long hours of work, I was hoping to see him to talk things through. As much as I didn't want to be at the 'losing' end again, I knew I'm always the losing party in this relationship. After much hesitations, I asked him out. I suggested to meet him at his place, and I would drive him to a place where I promised to bring him to. I didn't tell him where I was going to bring him to, because I wanted to let him know that I still remember what I've promised to him and to move him with my sincerity.

Too tired, he said. Long enough after I've left his house, he asked for another place nearer to his house, but I was already home. Yet again, he was being all himself. I was tired too but as tired as I was, I still wanted to see him so badly to talk things through, to move him. Not to mention, I was the one who was supposed to drive to the place I promised to bring him to, not him. It seems to me he can never appreciate things I want to do for him, and yet despite trying hard to, I really can't recall a thing which he has done something that shows a little bit of sacrifice and brings us closer. He's all about himself and being himself.

I'm not going to try already for now. I've tried hard enough. I've done enough. I've contributed enough. If breaking up doesn't bother him a bit, then probably he's not the right person for me anyway.