another 12 hours i will be leaving this sin city.

for the past one week, i haven't been meeting my regular lunch mates. it's just that i don't want them keep interviewing me on the robbery. it's not a pleasant memory and i have been trying to get over it.

(this post was supposed to end here, but many other things came to my mind, so i continued typing...)

* * *

if it wasn't because being selected to go to that place for 3 months, i wouldn't have to leave home that day, i wouldn't have been there at that time when the robbery happened. the victim wouldn't be me if it wasn't because i was selected to go to that certain place.

probably it is fated.

i have always been believing in fate. but i never realized how one incident fated can bring to another incident - probably it is fated to come after another, and i never realized how helpless and insignificant a person is as compared to his fate.

probably it is really fated.

i have always wanted to quit my job, but i couldn't find a good reason to justify having to bear the breach of contract repayment, while i can still endure with things in my job. the robbery was probably an indicator. it was probably the best hint i was given to leave and to go for something i m better with. the 3-month away is also probably part of it - for me to leave my job temporarily to consider my resignation without mentally attached to my job.

* * *

losing a one-month old phone that costs more than 2k is really painful. i treated my dear phone so well. i almost named him, just that i didn't manage to find a good name. i rarely have the desire to buy stuffs, let alone expensive stuffs. it took me some effort to save enough money to satisfy my rare desire. so i treasure all the things i bought out of my desire a lot. plus, i don't have any other people that i can be emotionally attached to, so losing the phone is really painful.

feeling the pain emotionally is probably a test to me. getting over it means i gain a stronger heart.

another way of looking it, i have other expensive gadgets with me in my bag and my wallet was an expensive desire i entertained myself to and it contains my ID and cards etc.. maybe the robbers were glad enough to get an expensive phone so they didn't continue taking my stuffs. anyway, there would be more aftermaths to be dealt with if they took my wallet with my ID and cards, and it will caused me more pain if they took my notebook. looking from this perspective, my phone was the most disposable belonging at that time. i should be glad that they took my phone but not my other belongings.

on the other hand, a small and weak guy like me holding up a big and expensive phone is too flashy, and easily targeted by those fucking bastards. so i have decided that i will not get another flashy gadget to be targeted, until i get stronger. i want to learn self defense martial arts and i want to look strong.

another way to look positively, the desire to become stronger after the robbery will also make myself stronger. i just hope i have enough determination to become stronger and enough persistence to do whatever necessary to be stronger.

most importantly, i am still alive despite the knife could have probably taken away my life considering i was struggling during the robbery. i still remember clearly that one of the bastards pointed the knife on my chest but i was so panicked that i forgot not to struggle. if the stab reached my heart, i could have died on the spot.

不敢爱的人是没有资格幸福的
One who is afraid to love does not qualify to have happiness
所以我永远也不会幸福。
Which is why I will not get my happiness forever.

大概是有了这一世都单身的决心。
This probably is my resolve to be single for the rest of my life.




回家吧。
Go back home, dear self.

and i hate myself to appear to be (and indeed is) defenseless and an easy target for the fucking robbers.

hate myself.

laotian gave me a big present before i left for place that will cut off all my communications for 3 months.

tamade. I was robbed.

i struggled. they cut some light wounds out of my palm and fingers, before they managed to rob away my phone. i thought that's all the wound that i got. but after getting my hand wounds treated, getting a new sim card and completing my police report and statement, i finally settled down, taking shower at home, when I realized I have a stab wound on my right chest and a cut wound on my left back.

physical wounds are not painful. but what hurts more is my heart. this society is terribly ill. crime at daylight, while helpful people are surprisingly scarce. no one came to help even i screamed so loud. only one person cared to bring me to treat my wounds when my blood was dripping as i walked, although he couldn't find an open clinic. then i walked alone to find an open one. no one bother to walk me even when i asked for the location of nearest clinic.

was robbed in Masjid Jamek and since nobody can lead me to an open clinic, i took LRT with my hand still bleeding to KLCC for the only nearest, reachable clinic I can think of, Twin Towers Medical Centre.

people were avoiding me in LRT, not wanting my blood to stain their clothes. i was terrified and was sobbing cowardly, i admit. but only a foreign lady bother to pass tissue paper to me and asked me what happened. the rest just watched my bloody hand and listened to my sobs.

i hate kl.

it's about time i leave this place, totally.

時間不多了
我就快離開了
說了再見
但是真的還能再見嗎？



說了再見
周杰倫

＊天亮了　雨下了　你走了
清楚了　我愛的　遺失了
落葉飄在湖面上睡著了

想要放　放不掉　淚在飄
你看看　你看看不到
我假裝過去不重要　卻發現自己辦不到

說了再見　才發現再也見不到
我不能就這樣失去你的微笑
口紅待在桌腳　而你我找不到
若角色對調你說好不好＊

說了再見　才發現再也見不到
能不能就這樣忍著痛淚不掉
說好陪我到老　永恒往哪裡找
再次擁抱一分一秒都好

Repeat＊

你的笑　你的好
腦海裡　一直在繞
我的手　忘不了　你手的溫度
心碎了一地　撿不回
從前的心跳　傷心過去我無力逃跑

說再見　才發現再也見不到
能不能就這樣忍著痛淚不掉
說好陪我到老　永恒往哪裡找
再次擁抱一分一秒都好

那天，我到某地方吃午餐，让我遇见了他。一见如故。他好像也有注意到我。

今天，我故意到那天那个地方吃饭，不过没有太过期望遇见他，但是还真的让我又遇见了他。可是这次他好像故意装作没看见我。

糟糕。怎么满脑子都是这个陌生人…

我已经不晓得了
如果要勉强说出目前是用怎样的态度/心情/方式去面对自己的人生和生活点滴
我大概就是 什么也不想管了

颓废
对就是这样说
突然想不起这样的形容词

我如果马上死掉
会让我在这世上留下遗憾的那几件事
其实就是我一直以来的推动力

可是不知道为什么
最近觉得心力疲惫
好像我没办法驾驭自己了
我试着用蛮力来推动
但是只觉得更加疲惫

工作，我早就不想干了
只想赶快存够钱提早解约
但是钱，相信很多人也在为它烦
总觉得这笔解约金是一个大黑洞
要怎么省、怎么存才够
难道我这的青春就只能以解约为目标
一直到过了年轻力壮的时候才为自己的梦想冲刺吗

还有工作上的挫折
总觉得怎么上天安排我去面对这些呢
我明白什么吃得苦中苦，方为人上人
这种话我说得出几百种
都是一直以来在心里默念来安抚自己用的
可是这根本是在压抑自己
我根本不想成为人上人
我不是三皇五帝，不用也不想像大禹治水，不用也不想像神农尝百草
更何况这份工作根本不是我想要的
有些只有在这个行业、这个环境才面对的挫折
根本就不是对我未来有帮助的

梦想
为了为自己解约以后铺路
我鞭策自己就算少睡一点、生多两颗（绝对不止两颗，而且很在意）痘痘
也要定时腾出时间一点一点地做
可是怎么突然也觉得这个梦想也是个大黑洞
我要怎么一点一点的把它完成
鞭策自己的力量也越来越不能驾驭自己了
我觉得自己像脱缰野马
越来越不收控
跟自己的梦想越来越遥远
甚至怀疑我的梦想真的是我想要的吗
还是只是我不满于现况潜意识给自己的一个假目标
我越来越不懂了

感情
一直想好好的爱一场
要真正的爱
但是又谈何容易
找不到对象
就算找到了又如何
说起来我为我梦想做的短期计划
其实根本就跟谈恋爱是不能兼得的
将来如果不干这份工了以后
很可能就是我离开这个城市
回到我家小镇的时候
到时候更别想有机会谈恋爱了

家人、生活琐事等
明明有一百样事要为自己做，
却又有许许多多的包袱
要为家人打算
要打点家事
一天忙完正要叹口气的时候
又发现自己住的地方实在无人打理惨不忍睹
看那些同屋住的死样子
又是在等我来做
做，就觉得他们会变本加厉
不做，又不忍心让自己住的那么不舒服
可是已经很累了，不想去考虑做或不做的问题
如果还有力气，就为了自己住得舒服去做
如果没有力气了，就勉强自己再忍耐一下

心里有一百、一千、一万个不满
但是却不知道要找谁说
认识的人不少
可是可以谈心的朋友
也只有中学时期认识的那几个
过了这么多年
虽然仍然保持联络
但是毕竟工作、学业、地理、历练相差越来越远
就算有机会聚在一起
聊起自己的心事
他们也不会懂
翻翻手机里的通讯录
想找一下可以倾诉的对象
才发现这5年来压抑真实的自己、保护自己
没有交到真心的朋友
人家说，哑子吃黄莲，有苦自己知
虽然po上来也算一种发泄
但是总比不过在朋友面前一次过吐干净

最近哭点很低
可能是因为需要发泄情绪的关系
所以在打这篇网志的时候
故意选了一些比较可以平伏心情的纯音乐歌曲
可是不知道怎么的
眼睛还是湿了
湿了又没人看
它干嘛湿了
湿了又不可以解决一切
湿了又不见得自己会好过一点
它干嘛死湿了

我找不到我人生的焦点
该往哪里看我都不知道了
跟别说往哪里走
突然想起日本动画《灼眼的夏娜》里那些torch
如果世上真有那样的东西真好我需要
觉得活得好累
如果不活着也不就一了百了
我所谓的朋友是没有人会为我惋惜的
我只是怕家人伤心
如果有torch这样的东西
让它来为我突然的消失做absorber
让我曾经的存在不为人所知

是不是说现在我活下去唯一的动力
或是说不能就这样死去的原因
只剩我的家人了

我已经不记得我写了什么了

好像真的是缘份不够……我有在试，但是总觉得有一股阻力。

算了吧。有缘的话自然就会有机会。