Archive for February 2010


scared of feeling disappointed.

scared of being hated.

scared of getting exposed.

I'm so stupid....................

what am i doin'...

I dunno what i have been doing...

i practically spent the whole day on this site to search, refine the search, more searches, more refining searches to look for the right person.... but no matter how i filter and scan through, how likely is the person i thought 'right' can be the 'right' one for me? talking about naive thinking eh..

i should slap myself awake and force myself to leave this site instead of searching and waiting for replies.. stupidity and naiveness.

so long. life moves on. i have to get back to my real life, wake up from the fairy tales.

Good or Bad?

I created an account in some gay social network sites with my real photo... I think I must be out of my mind. Anyway, the photo has been blurred out a bit, hopefully it is not obvious enough to catch my acquaintances' eyes.

Desperate to hear some advice and views, (or maybe also desperate for a good relationship) I wrote a bit of myself and what kind of people I would like to meet and get to know there.

Only within an hour or two, a guy sent me a message through the messaging system in the site, asking for my MSN. Although he's not the kind that I'm looking for, befriending over the internet should be fine, or so I thought.

Apparently when I added him in MSN, he doesn't know who I am when I didn't put on my profile photo. He doesn't even recognize my ID from the site. I suspect he just did a mass-messaging to many in the site to get some MSN contacts, and I'm one of them...

Then he asked me to start webcam with him... I rejected by saying my bandwidth is low (which is true, apart for my reluctance to 'talk' and to let people see my ungroomed look).

Then, he asked me to introduce myself, without first introduce himself first. I find him lack of sincerity in making friends with me.

So the first one who approached me is in this manner. That makes me wonder how likely will I get satisfactory result for what I want from using the sites...?

More Thoughts for the Sleepless Night

I would be lying if I tell you that I'm not dreaming for my prince charming. After all, it's almost the fundamental reason that I'm gay. Good looking, tanned and muscular body, caring, nice house, nice car, and the list goes on...

While knowing it is impossible to have such person in my life, it is, still, a dream.

But the most contradicting part is that, how is it possible for me to even have a chance to love and be loved when I do not come out?

The main reason for me not coming out is my mother. I just don't want to disappoint her. I can't imagine how heartbroken she can get if she knows I'm gay.

So the problem is, is there a bulletproof way to pursue my dream of prince charming without letting my mother know in any way? I don't think so.

To pursue my prince charming dream, I will have to come out in person, and get into the real life gay community. The world is not that big when you think it is. Coincidence happens. I can't neglect the possibility of my friends get to know that I'm gay from someone, and eventually my family gets to know that I'm gay from my friends or my friends' friends or my friends' family etc.

I know my way of thinking is utterly stupid and I can't wish for anything if I'm holding up on this. But my mind is really not capable enough to come out with a better way of reasoning.

Another thing is the almost non-existent possibility of meeting the prince charming, esp. when it is more likely for me to meet gay people who want to have no-strings attached-relationships. Even if I can get into a proper relationship, it is less likely for it to last long in gay community.

That's roughly what I think on myself being gay. I could be wrong with my perception and way of reasoning. If you are reading this, please leave some advice or comments. Your views can be useful for me. Thanks.

Not Right

Not right. Just not right.

Having a job that sucks (from my point of view) and at the same time being gay with circumstances like I'm in now make my life miserable.

When I'm busy with work, I feel miserable because the job really stinks (at least for me). I keep thinking and worried about my sucky job even after office hours. And not able to leave the job easily is another headache to me.

When I take long leave (like I've been taking for CNY now), I'm temporarily freed from my job but I keep thinking about stupid things like 'why am I gay', 'how to live like a normal person', 'how to balance my life between not letting my family knows about my sexuality and living a gay life with love and friends etc.', 'will my friends accept me if they know about me being gay' etc.

Everything is not right because I'm the one who is not thinking right. But I can't get myself to think right.

Tonight is another restless night without proper sleep. =(
I hate myself for being like this. I'm so stupid, so detestable, so... not right. =((

The Truth Told... as an Exception

It was only yesterday that I bumped into the girl I thought I love, after these years (probably one or two years). She has become more beautiful and dressed like an OL, despite she's only an intern.

I'm not sure what was in my mind. Today I text'ed to meet up with her. Despite the short 2-hour notice, she agreed to meet up.

I accompanied her to shop for office attire. Then, we bought some cookies that are nicely discounted when bought in pairs. After our dinner, I walked her to the bus stop and accompanied her to wait for the bus.

Nothing worth-mentioning happened. It was only some casual catch ups and silly chats.

Until I told her about my sexual preference in the bus stop.

She was kinda surprised. And if my deductions are right, she was hoping for further development between us. I kinda feel her disappointment knowing how much I have changed from straight (or actingly straight?) to gay.

'What a pity,' she complimented on how good I look (but not in a million years I can agree on that), and other things (which I can't recall already).

The main reason for me to be frank with her on this is that I do not want my confession to her in the past makes her think that there's room for development between us. I made the confession which can be misleading, so I must be responsible for it.

So that makes her the third person who knows my darkest secret.

Now I'm feeling kinda relieved for clearing up myself to her. I suppose now she won't get the wrong idea to put her hopes on the development between us.