I would be lying if I tell you that I'm not dreaming for my prince charming. After all, it's almost the fundamental reason that I'm gay. Good looking, tanned and muscular body, caring, nice house, nice car, and the list goes on...
While knowing it is impossible to have such person in my life, it is, still, a dream.
But the most contradicting part is that, how is it possible for me to even have a chance to love and be loved when I do not come out?
The main reason for me not coming out is my mother. I just don't want to disappoint her. I can't imagine how heartbroken she can get if she knows I'm gay.
So the problem is, is there a bulletproof way to pursue my dream of prince charming without letting my mother know in any way? I don't think so.
To pursue my prince charming dream, I will have to come out in person, and get into the real life gay community. The world is not that big when you think it is. Coincidence happens. I can't neglect the possibility of my friends get to know that I'm gay from someone, and eventually my family gets to know that I'm gay from my friends or my friends' friends or my friends' family etc.
I know my way of thinking is utterly stupid and I can't wish for anything if I'm holding up on this. But my mind is really not capable enough to come out with a better way of reasoning.
Another thing is the almost non-existent possibility of meeting the prince charming, esp. when it is more likely for me to meet gay people who want to have no-strings attached-relationships. Even if I can get into a proper relationship, it is less likely for it to last long in gay community.
That's roughly what I think on myself being gay. I could be wrong with my perception and way of reasoning. If you are reading this, please leave some advice or comments. Your views can be useful for me. Thanks.
It is a process we need to go through...a decision in the end :)
ReplyDeleteFret not, i am like that at times..lol
@SynchingZincInc Thanks! I just wish I could think less of these things.. They are disturbing..
ReplyDeleteoh dont be too hard on urself, u r still young, enjoy your life:) and ur prince charming would certainly come someday...
ReplyDelete@3quarks Thanks for the kind words of support! While still wishing for the day to come, I try not to put too much hope on it. =)
ReplyDeleteI think I'm getting through the disturbing thoughts. Glad that I can still have my sound mind.. =)