Archive for 2010


Dear has been having reoccuring sinus... He intends to look for acupuncture treatment.
But I know nothing about acupuncture in KL/Selangor area. So I have to resort in finding out from my friends and I thought I can get some input from here as well.

Anyone reading this has any related info (e.g. location, price range etc.) kindly post it as a comment.

Thanks =)

rainy day

roti: it's raining here. and i miss u, dear.
dear: i'm in train now. waa.. first time u say something like that to me.. making me smiling alone in the train.. i miss u too, dear
roti: lol
dear: i m wet because of the rain..
roti: u didnt bring an umbrella..?
dear: didnt know it would rain..
roti: i bring an umbrella everyday
dear: don't want.. so aunty.. so not masculine..
roti: (...-_-) ish bring a retractable one la.. not the mary poppin's one
dear: i only have mary poppin's one.. many of them
roti: lol. ok.. sounds like u r more willing to be wet than carrying an umbrella
dear: if u r holding an umbrella for me, i will be more happy
roti: ish.. we are staying so far away from each other.. like 20 stations away..
dear: only 19..
roti: more or less the same la..
dear: bueeekkk
roti: ;P

i like sweet little lovers' quarrels like this.

agreement on sex

I'm conservative on marriage and sex. To me, sex should only be done with someone whom I would considered married to, despite I won't be married (by ceremony) to someone. (IMO between gay couples, there's marriage too, maybe just without the ceremony.)

So after Dear told me that he got turned on by my cuteness, as much as it sounded like a wet blanket, I wanted to make it clear to him that I will not involve in 'premarital sex', unless I'm sure that I will marry the person (by or not by ceremony).

He agrees and he said he won't take my virginity. But for the rest, he can offer by demand. I declined immediately, knowing he meant oral sex. I told him that to me, oral sex is still sex, which is something only between me and my lifetime partner.

I think that's my principle and dignity. And one really good thing about Dear is that he respects my principle. =)

That's at least for the current me. I might change in the future, but at least for now I'm holding up to this principle.


i think Dear is a shotacon (fetish towards young boys or young-boy looking guys).

all this while i met him while wearing shirts, and he jokingly commented that my shirt doesn't fit me, and it was 'unhot'..

today i met him in my t-shirt, with my shaved face. and when we left each other, his feedback through whatsapp to me was that he got horny at the first glance at me today. lol

i'm short, and i have a boyish face. with my height and my boyish face shaved, if i go out with t-shirt, i can easily deceive people by saying i m a form 4 student (and i did before).

i think that's probably where Dear got attracted by me today gua.. lol

i'll treat that as a compliment.. but i realize that's lust but not love. =)

2nd date (?)

went out to meet Dear just now. but because I was so determined to reach before him, I didn't style my hair well. we only met for a short while, and I was rushing to leave. later on train, he pm'ed me..

dear: why were u rushing just now? i wanted to be with u a bit longer..
roti: oh, i wanted to buy groceries. and my hair wasn't good.. feeling embarrassed to hang out long.
dear: no lah. u were cute and handsome, seriously. if u were at my house, i would have hugged u.. hehe
roti: lols
dear: it's so nice to see u just now.. and i like u smiling and blushing
roti: eh did i? i didn't know i blushed. when was it?
dear: haha. when i looked at u
roti: lol. i didn't know i did.

i don't understand why he would want to & like to see me that much, yet doesn't want to be lovers with me. but it's ok. i must not demand for more.

and i'm so glad that i was earlier than him.

love u, Dear.

hard ice-cream

roti: have you eaten, dear?
dear: not yet.
roti: you're not hungry? it's already 8.15
dear: nope.. i had an apple and ice-cream.
roti: oooo.. eat ice-cream didn't ask me along
dear: if you are here for sure I will ask you along. for the other 'ice-cream' also can
roti: haha is that ice-cream cold?
dear: no.. but it taste good only because it's hard.. haha..
roti: lol

how does stress relate to virginity?

roti: Let me know if you are stressed. I will be your stressball.
dear: wow... are you sure?? I'm very naughty when I'm stressed.
roti: hahaha
dear: but don't worry I won't take your virginity
roti: erks
dear: lol
roti: yish2. like I want to give you my virginity. lol
dear: haha.. enough.. else later tonight I get horny
roti: self service then
dear: not best...
roti: or else what you want to do? soak in cold water? lol
dear: naughty you


I was greedy.

At first I told myself I will be lonely for the rest of my life because I want people around me to be happy, yet not wasting a girl's lifetime happiness.

Then I met him and started to imagine being his lover.

And when he rejected me, I fell apart was disappointed.

Then he explained to me, and I agreed to maintain our intimate yet non-lovers' relationship.

I should be grateful. I expected I will be lonely for the rest of my life, but fate gave me him. I should not be greedy. It's already more than what I was supposed to get and I should treasure it with thankfulness.

Thank you for letting me know you, Dear.

I will not be greedy and will not ask for more.


Omg I feel so bad, so terrible.

Dear asked me out for dinner. And I was late for 45 minutes!

I'm just hopelessly bad.

I don't have a proper reason to explain my being late..

He detests people being late the most.

I feel I'm hated.

Sorries don't work.

Please forgive me, Dear.

I gave him his happy ending

He explained to me today.

I think he's scared of hurting himself and others, so he would rather to be a very close friend with me than be a lover. He said he will have to get married.

I started to understand all he wants is someone so close to him that he can call 'dear', that he can talk to on anything, that he can hug and that has a shoulder he can lean on, yet not a lover.

I think I understand and I agreed to be just like what we were in the past few days.

It is already hurting me for being rejected, then I have to be his closest friend, and use intimate and flirty words on each other yet not being his lover. That's probably the most cruel thing for me, but I don't know what makes me agree to him. Maybe it's love. Maybe I love him so much that I'm willing to be cruel to myself to make him happy.

Love makes people blind.




keeping it 'between us'

This is the second time I request someone to keep my sexual preference between us.

It's so pointless. If I'm scared, I shouldn't even be thinking about it. And if I'm so naive to get hooked this way, making such request to some bad guys who were trying to play me makes things worse.

Too naive.

confession n: failed

He only said he was flattered.

If he felt the same way as I do, surely he would say so and then we will have a happily ever after.

But he replied otherwise.

Whatever reason it is, I failed yet again.

It's ok. I'm strong enough to take it. It is not that painful.

Time to walk away.

confession n

Omg I can't believe this. Being drunk in his kindness, I confessed to him.. he hasn't replied. I hope he feel the same...

he is my prince

As far as I can tell now, he is my prince. He has all the attributes that I want for my partner.

He is knowledgeable, good looking, caring, has an athletic body..

But as compared to him, I'm so tiny. I'm ignorant, childish, not-so-good looking, silly and skinny..

I'm feeling that I'm not good enough for him. =( He's just too good for some one like me..

game of love

I'm afraid of losing in the game of love.

While I feel the impulse to get closer to him, I try to keep myself down.
Try not to Whatsapp him too much, try not to YM him too much, try not to think about him too much.

I'm afraid to lose - as if I show to him that I need him more than he needs me, I will lose. People usually don't appreciate things that come easily, so my intuition tells me being far and near (instead of being near all the time) (若即若离) makes him appreciate my presence more.

Another thing is that I'm still not comfortable to be out. I'm not comfortable letting people I know know about my sexuality. He didn't say anything about his preference. What if I'm wrong? If I take the first move but it turns out he's not the same as me, then what? I'm in an awkward state. I know the problem is with me, but I'm just not comfortable with it yet...

And tonight seems to be quiet, without him Whatsapping me...

And I think I'm someone who is in extreme insecurity at all time. I think my subconscious mind is already asking me to prepare for lovelorn before the love even starts.

Ah. I'm a really odd one.

interracial.. love or lust?

Last Friday, I met someone I feel special on. The feeling was growing as we interact more on work. We exchanged our contacts this Friday and more flirting came along in only two days.

I used to be against interracial relationship, at least for myself, because I'm very proud of my Chinese heritage and I'm afraid that my pride towards my heritage would hurt interracial relationships. Now I've changed my opinion a little. I think full acceptance is possible when there's love. I can't imagine how my life would change if we move on further. All I can think of is that I may have to change my diet. While I don't think that would be a big problem for me, things may be different from what people imagine.

I have been thinking, are we progressing too fast? I'm worried that this comes fast and goes equally as fast.

Being very inexperienced in love, maybe I'm just desperate, or maybe it's just lust. But in any case, I think I'm going to give it a try, if it develops further.


I know the fact that those that are kind to me will encourage me in doing anything, but only those who concerns about me would tell me about the reality and make me facce it. I also know that in this world full of betrayal, my family are the only ones that will never betray me.

So I'm heeding their advice although I was very firm to go for mine.

Job hunt is going on!













我不明白,我家人难道没想过在这种时候提出反对,就算再怎么有理也只会造成伤害。我现在的工作早在两个月前就辞掉了,三个月的预警期就快届满;我租的房间也已经退了,租到十二月底就不租了;我也已经答应接受我的新工作了,新工作的email甚至都已经开始有往来了;我已经向所有问我的人说了,我的新工作是在家里做的(work from home),所以辞职生效后我会回到我家去……这些种种都已经做了,我还能有退路吗?这个时候反对,我又能做什么来迎合你们?你们知不知道你们这时候提出反对,是对我非常残忍的吗?你们可知道要走到这一步需要多少勇气?你们可知道我将来的成败就看我走的够不够坚定?你们可知道我每个几天就会被这噩梦惊醒,害我生活乱了调?





independent and self-sufficient

perhaps i was too used to putting hope in having a person to talk to, when in actual fact i don't really need one.

it turns out i can hardly talk about things regarding my homosexuality with the friend that i recently found out to be gay. he's gay, and so am i. but there's something unexplainable on this, i just feel he might not be as matured-thinking as i am (although we are around the same age) and we are talking to each other at a different frequency.

actually there's nothing to be glad about finding out a friend is gay, because that doesn't mean he is someone i can have a deep talk to.. and in fact i didn't realize i actually don't need to have that kind of deep talk with anyone.

so it is good being independent and self-sufficient.

i think i have got used to keep everything in myself without going crazy, i think my heart and mind can take it, even though it usually takes a little hard time at first in my previous experience. but as compared to what i've been through, this is nothing.

friend who is gay

during my away for months, i got to know a lot of people, possibly the most ever i got to know in such a short period of time. and i kept contact with some of them.

it was until today i got to know that one of them is gay. i wasn't surprised as there were one clue on him,  although not an absolute indicator, which made me had a blink of mind that he might be gay.

likewise, when i told him on msn that i probably will not get married for the rest of my life. he seems to be able to comprehend and he told me that he probably won't too. then the same consensus is with us that we are on the same boat. the rest of our conversation is typical.. asking each other when did we found out about ourselves, and when did we suspect each other.. the word gay didn't appear explicitly throughout the conversation but we can safely assume that both of us meant the same thing.

it's good to know at least there's a real friend that i can talk to from now on..

on the other hand, my plan to leave is firm now. by next year i won't live in this big city anymore. maybe it's not a wise decision all together, to quit my current job and leave this place, but i don't want to be regret for not trying to achieve what i want. the robbery and the months-away are probably hints from the heaven for me to make this decision.

I'm back

I'm back
with a decision to leave in months to come.


another 12 hours i will be leaving this sin city.

for the past one week, i haven't been meeting my regular lunch mates. it's just that i don't want them keep interviewing me on the robbery. it's not a pleasant memory and i have been trying to get over it.

(this post was supposed to end here, but many other things came to my mind, so i continued typing...)

* * *

if it wasn't because being selected to go to that place for 3 months, i wouldn't have to leave home that day, i wouldn't have been there at that time when the robbery happened. the victim wouldn't be me if it wasn't because i was selected to go to that certain place.

probably it is fated.

i have always been believing in fate. but i never realized how one incident fated can bring to another incident - probably it is fated to come after another, and i never realized how helpless and insignificant a person is as compared to his fate.

probably it is really fated.

i have always wanted to quit my job, but i couldn't find a good reason to justify having to bear the breach of contract repayment, while i can still endure with things in my job. the robbery was probably an indicator. it was probably the best hint i was given to leave and to go for something i m better with. the 3-month away is also probably part of it - for me to leave my job temporarily to consider my resignation without mentally attached to my job.

* * *

losing a one-month old phone that costs more than 2k is really painful. i treated my dear phone so well. i almost named him, just that i didn't manage to find a good name. i rarely have the desire to buy stuffs, let alone expensive stuffs. it took me some effort to save enough money to satisfy my rare desire. so i treasure all the things i bought out of my desire a lot. plus, i don't have any other people that i can be emotionally attached to, so losing the phone is really painful.

feeling the pain emotionally is probably a test to me. getting over it means i gain a stronger heart.

another way of looking it, i have other expensive gadgets with me in my bag and my wallet was an expensive desire i entertained myself to and it contains my ID and cards etc.. maybe the robbers were glad enough to get an expensive phone so they didn't continue taking my stuffs. anyway, there would be more aftermaths to be dealt with if they took my wallet with my ID and cards, and it will caused me more pain if they took my notebook. looking from this perspective, my phone was the most disposable belonging at that time. i should be glad that they took my phone but not my other belongings.

on the other hand, a small and weak guy like me holding up a big and expensive phone is too flashy, and easily targeted by those fucking bastards. so i have decided that i will not get another flashy gadget to be targeted, until i get stronger. i want to learn self defense martial arts and i want to look strong.

another way to look positively, the desire to become stronger after the robbery will also make myself stronger. i just hope i have enough determination to become stronger and enough persistence to do whatever necessary to be stronger.

most importantly, i am still alive despite the knife could have probably taken away my life considering i was struggling during the robbery. i still remember clearly that one of the bastards pointed the knife on my chest but i was so panicked that i forgot not to struggle. if the stab reached my heart, i could have died on the spot.

幸福的资格 Prerequisite of Happiness

One who is afraid to love does not qualify to have happiness
Which is why I will not get my happiness forever.

This probably is my resolve to be single for the rest of my life.

Go back home, dear self.


and i hate myself to appear to be (and indeed is) defenseless and an easy target for the fucking robbers.

hate myself.

big present

laotian gave me a big present before i left for place that will cut off all my communications for 3 months.

tamade. I was robbed.

i struggled. they cut some light wounds out of my palm and fingers, before they managed to rob away my phone. i thought that's all the wound that i got. but after getting my hand wounds treated, getting a new sim card and completing my police report and statement, i finally settled down, taking shower at home, when I realized I have a stab wound on my right chest and a cut wound on my left back.

physical wounds are not painful. but what hurts more is my heart. this society is terribly ill. crime at daylight, while helpful people are surprisingly scarce. no one came to help even i screamed so loud. only one person cared to bring me to treat my wounds when my blood was dripping as i walked, although he couldn't find an open clinic. then i walked alone to find an open one. no one bother to walk me even when i asked for the location of nearest clinic.

was robbed in Masjid Jamek and since nobody can lead me to an open clinic, i took LRT with my hand still bleeding to KLCC for the only nearest, reachable clinic I can think of, Twin Towers Medical Centre.

people were avoiding me in LRT, not wanting my blood to stain their clothes. i was terrified and was sobbing cowardly, i admit. but only a foreign lady bother to pass tissue paper to me and asked me what happened. the rest just watched my bloody hand and listened to my sobs.

i hate kl.

it's about time i leave this place, totally.




*天亮了 雨下了 你走了
清楚了 我愛的 遺失了

想要放 放不掉 淚在飄
你看看 你看看不到
我假裝過去不重要 卻發現自己辦不到

說了再見 才發現再也見不到
口紅待在桌腳 而你我找不到

說了再見 才發現再也見不到
說好陪我到老 永恒往哪裡找


你的笑 你的好
腦海裡 一直在繞
我的手 忘不了 你手的溫度
心碎了一地 撿不回
從前的心跳 傷心過去我無力逃跑

說再見 才發現再也見不到
說好陪我到老 永恒往哪裡找






我大概就是 什么也不想管了































I think I have totally lost my fangs. Now even a vendor's staff can scold me and I could respond with a word.

I'm not sure if it is because my cowardiness or my lack of shrewdness..



I don't know what to think of.










i heard a crack in me.

ouch. i saw something i shouldn't have seen.


i'm so fragile. i feel a slight pain seeing something as insignificant as that.
it's just that i added him in my IM but he didn't...

but it hurts.

so useless la, me. *frown* *pain*

shouldn't have put hope. =((










lack of updates

you probably have noticed (or not) the lack of new post here.

partly due to my new gadget on hand that keeps me from having enough time to post.

another reason is because i realized i could spend my time better by developing and improving myself on my interest and future career than ranting about my sexuality and current work here.

unhappy things happen, so be it. developing for my future is much more important for me personally.

thinking more mature? no, i think i m quite (or rather 'can be') mature in thinking, it's just that i m inconsistent.

live. and be alive.









it's so disheartening when even ur family don't understand ur passion, that even the industry people say u r good in.

i think my mum is still not happy with me taking this particular course that i graduated with flying colors (yes i really mean it) in my uni, the only thing is just that she can't do anything about it.

very disheartening, indeed. until today she hasn't accepted the fact that i m so much better in that industry (which i currently can't be fully in) than other industry.

i shall not speak of my future transition plan to her anymore. not that she can understand nor she will support.

i'm late home

but it's ok. the magical thing is that when u r doing something u have passion for, and hanging out with people who think alike as u, it's not a big deal to lose a few hours of sleep.

likewise when it comes to things u totally have no passion about, being with people who u can't get into their world and mode of thinking, it feels uncomfortable every moment of it, and every second, u keep counting the time left before u r off.

sleeping time

argh. i had two things to blog about tonite. but due to billing, tax filing, etc., i don't have time for it already. not to mention about my personal project that has not been touched for a week. =(

i wish i had more hours in a day.

7 Truths You May Be Running From

I bumped into a pretty inspiring article:

If I were to ask if you were a runner, what would you say? Before you answer let me be clear, I’m not referring to a person who goes out every morning and jogs a few miles. Instead, I’m talking about the person who runs away from the truths of everyday life.
Whether you consider yourself a runner or not, the reality is, we all run from truths we don’t wish to accept. Some of us like to run more than others, but in the end everyone is a runner. Many go to great lengths to avoid facing reality and in the process end up miserable. Personally, I’ve done enough “running” in my life to qualify for a gold medal at the Olympics. But at the end of the day, we can only run so long.
Contrary to popular belief, personal growth is not all about being positive and in a zen state 24/7. It’s certainty important to look at the positive aspects of life and live in a state of flow, but honest personal growth also requires that you take a hard look at your reality even if it’s not where you want it to be. To get from point A to point B you have to be honest with yourself first.
The following are 7 truths you may be running from and several tips to face them.

You’re Not Healthy

Are you as healthy as you want to be? Be honest. I’m not talking about having a six pack or bulging biceps but rather a life that is congruent with remarkable physical and mental health. If you are living a healthy lifestyle I applaud you, but for those who are not it’s certainly not too late to start now.
If your lifestyle is anything like an “average” American, chances are you aren’t all that healthy. This isn’t something to beat yourself up over however, simply accept where you’re currently at. The first step to change is to acknowledge that changes needs to be made.
Because this article is about facing truths, I’m going to be honest and say that I am not nearly as healthy as I want to be. By no stretch of the imagination do I consider myself overweight, but my physical health is definitely something I need to continue to work on. If I spent as much time physically running as I did metaphorically I’d be set ;).

Action Steps

Be Specific: Getting specific about what you want in regard to health is essential in being at the top of your game. Give yourself specific actions you can take that you know will bring yourself into alignment with better health. Saying, “I need to eat better” is a weak goal to have. Instead be specific: “I’ll replace drinking a glass of whole milk, with a glass of water.Fun Fact: A glass of whole milk has as much saturated fat as 5 pieces of bacon. (Source =Switch)
Start Small: What area can you work on TODAY that will bring you benefits in the long run? Don’t begin with a radical diet/exercise overhaul because you will only burn out. Take small steps that you know you can do on a routine basis. It’s essential to create a routine because routines don’t require motivation as fuel. Take the first step.
Start a Food Journal: Some say this may be a bit excessive, but it gets results. Instead of counting calories, simply write down what it is that you eat. Do this for several weeks and you’ll be sure to find some patterns that may need to fix.
Walk Daily: By far the easiest way to get into the shape you need, is to go on a daily walk. Not only is it good for you, it will give you time to get away and relax. In Healthy At 100, a book on those who live to the age of 100, nearly every Centenarian walked at least an hour a day. Coincidence? I think not.

Your Relationships Are Holding You Back

Unfortunately, many of us cling to relationships that are obviously doing more harm than good. I’ve certainly been there before myself as well. It’s safe to say that you and I both know those kind of relationships, the ones you recognize you need to let go but you just feel you can’t.
Maybe you’re hanging onto a romantic relationship because you’ve been dating for several years and are scared of change. Or perhaps you’re still friends with Johnny, now a serial killer druggie, just because he was your best friend in 3rd grade. Sometimes you need to let go.
Being loyal to an old friend or partner who you are no longer compatible with is only intelligent for so long, then you’re just wasting your time and blocking future relationship possibilities.
This truth can be particularly hard to accept but deep down it’s usually obvious. I’ve dropped a handful of relationships throughout  my life because there was no longer the compatibility there once was. Again, I know this isn’t always easy but it’s something we all must face.

Action Steps

Examine Your Relationships: Taking a hard look at your relationships takes a effort,  but is also very important. How do you examine your relationships? Literally ask: ” How do I feel about Suzie Q?” Be honest with yourself and how you feel. Don’t splenda coat your answers. Do you feel your social circle is helping you contribute to the world? Does your current friends and family lift you up instead of bring you down? Only you know for certain.
Talk With Those You Love: Part of examining your relationships is having dialogue with those you care about. If you feel as if a certain relationship isn’t helping the both of you, it’s important you talk things out. Putting up with a relationship just because you’re afraid of change is not only selfish, it hurts both of you in the long run. Talking about your relationships can be scary and nerve racking but again that doesn’t change the reality of the situation. Make communication a high priority.
Ask a Friend or Trusted One: If you’re struggling with a particular relationship it can be beneficial to ask someone you trust for advice. Often times an outside source will be able to give you some insights that you may miss. Be open to their opinion as it is likely they have a more objective view than you. Obviously, you don’t have to agree fully with what they say but just be willing to listen. If you’re struggling romantically try asking your best friend an honest prediction of what he or she predicts will happen in the future, this exercise may take courage but can be very mind opening.

You’re Indifferent About Your Career

[If you're working a job you LOVE you can safely skip this section. Don't worry... I still love you.]
Although I’ve yet to have an official career, I know what it is like to struggle through work you can’t stand. I honestly believe if you’re simply content with your current career you’re being selfish. That may be harsh to say, but there is simply no reason you can’t be doing work you’re completely passionate about.
Sure, you have to make money to pay the bills and provide for your family, but putting in the extra work to create a meaningful career is well worth the energy and will allow you to contribute far more value into the world.
Realizing that you aren’t currently enjoying your career is the first step to creating one in which you do.

Action Steps

Start Your Own Projects: If you aren’t currently happy with your career there are a plethora of options for you to consider. Starting side projects don’t require that you quit your job or tell your boss he’s fat, but it will require a bit of extra effort on your part. Accept those facts and get moving. Start now.
Realize There IS a way out: If you can’t fathom working a career that you love,it’s time you realize what age we’re in. I hate to sound cliche but anything is possible. There are plenty ofpeople “crushing it” on a daily basis all because they realize what is attainable.
Change Your Friends: Again, changing your friends may seem a bit harsh, but so is going to a job you hate everyday. If you’re surrounded by people who only wish to remain in the status quo, it’s no wonder you feel suffocated by what you call work. If you really wish to start contributing, it is likely in your best interest to create a new social circle that will support your future dreams and aspirations. It’s not totally necessary to cut all ties, but certainly something to consider. Work with a best friend? Bring them along.
What Are You Passionate About? Maybe you’ve been stuck in a dead end job for far too long and don’t even know what you’re passionate about. Not a problem. Open up a word document and do some journaling. Ask yourself questions like: If money was not an option what would I love to do? What brings me joy? See where those questions take you, then work to make it happen.

Your Fears Are Keeping You Grounded

Why do we run? In short, it’s because we are afraid. Seth Godin likes to say it’s because of our Lizard Brain. Regardless, being afraid isn’t particularly helpful in reaching our goals and dreams.
Healthy Fears: Being afraid of snakes
Stupid Fears: Everything else.
I find it remarkable how much energy we waste on fearing situations and outcomes that don’t have a remote chance in actually happening. If you live in a constant state of fear it’s nearly impossible to lead a tribe or create a revolution.
It’s unrealistic to believe we can knock fear out completely, but we can certainly attack the bastard once he stands up.

Action Steps

Be Bold: When I attended Steve Pavlina’s Conscious Growth Workshop in January (think what you will), we did a variety of power exercises that helped us get out of our comfort zones. This included going up on stage to sing, or asking a person who was playing the slot machines what year it was. Pushing yourself doesn’t require much other than a bit of courage. Tell that Starbucks girl you think she’s beautiful. Say thank you to the professor that has changed the way you thought. Be bold.
If You Knew What You Couldn’t Fail: What actions would you take if you knew you could not fail? I realize this is an often cheesy question cited in several dozen personal development books, but it is a powerful thought exercise nonetheless. What would you do if you couldn’t fail? I can’t hear you.
Do What You’re Afraid of: Considering this post is littered with hundreds of painful cliches, I figure I’m on a roll so without further a do: Do what you’re afraid of. To over come any fears that hinder your success you must face them. If I would have let my fears get the best of me, you wouldn’t be reading this post right now.

You’re More Remarkable Than You Think

Ah! So the personal development blog is finally positive! Yes wise one, very nice of you to notice. (With that failed Yoda moment let us continue.)
I hate to burst your I-feel-sorry-for-my-self-bubble, a bubble we all live in from time to time, but you are more remarkable than you think.
Unfortunately, because of social conditioning and being thrown in a locker everyday of the 3rd grade, ( that never happened to you?) we often feel as if we offer nothing of value to the world. But that couldn’t but farther from the truth.
STOP THINKING THAT YOU’RE NOT REMARKABLE (CAPS mean I’m screaming.) I promise no matter who you are or where you’re from you having something to give to the world. Don’t believe me? Send me an email and I’d be happy to help you.
Here’s the truth: Being remarkable scares you. Knowing that you can create long lasting changing is hard to wrap your mind around. But the reality is we can do all those things and more. You are more remarkable than you think.

You Like To Be Unhappy

Feeling high off positivity after hearing you’re more remarkable than you think? Back to reality ;) You like to be unhappy.
It might be odd to hear that you like to be unhappy because that goes against common sense. All I want is to BE HAPPY you might say. Yet many of your actions aren’t congruent with that statement. Don’t worry I like being unhappy from time to time too.
Obviously, we don’t really want to be unhappy, yet many times our actions and thoughts don’t allow us to experience the state of flow we all want and desire.

Action Steps

Become More Mindful of Your Thoughts: Becoming mindful of your thoughts will quickly lead you into noticing various thought patterns you may have. Throughout the day notice the language you choose to use. Warning: you may be fairly surprised.
Notice How Much You Complain: Complaining is your way of saying to the world I want to be unhappy, yet so many of us do so on a regular basis. Simply becoming aware of how much you complain will really wake you up to how lucky you are. Try going an entire day without complaining.
Create A Gratitude Journal: To combat your tendency to complain try the opposite approach. When you feel the urge to complain about the guy who just cut you off, be thankful that you have a car to drive. I’m not talking about superficial gratitude but rather being sincere in all the blessings you have. I like to express my gratitude right before I go to sleep.

Your Habits Suck

We like to think we have everything figured out, that our daily routine is effective for everyone involved. But rarely is that the case.
It’s safe to say that if you’re not currently living the life you want your habits are to blame.
Again, since this post is about being honest, the last 6 months I’ve struggled with creating habits that will get me to where I want to be. Only recently have I realized (or stopped running) from the truth. I’m currently in the process of making great habits that I know will take me where I want to be.

Action Steps

Start a 30 day trial: The best way to change a bad habit is to start a 30 day trial supporting a new and improved one. I’ve done several of these with wonderful success. I’m certainly not the first person to suggest a 30 day trial but I can attest to how beneficial they have been for me.
Write Down Your Activities For The Day: Writing down everything you do for one day will really open your eyes to how little you actually accomplish. You don’t have to have every hour of your calendar filled to have a productive day, instead do work that really matters then you can sleep at night.
What Habits Do You Want? Take a moment and think about the habits you think would help you reach your goals. Start small and aim to implement these habits at a pace in which you can keep up. You may struggle in establishing a habit but it will be worth it in the end.

Stop Running

Whether you like to admit it or not, we all run from truths from time to time. Instead of running from a reality take a moment to consciously face your current situation.
Being honest with yourself is perhaps one of the greatest characteristics you can have, because only when you are honest with yourself can you begin to change.
No matter how strong you think you are, you can’t run forever. Facing reality may be difficult and you may struggle, but it is far better than turning your back from the truth. As Shakespeare once said “Cowards die a thousand deaths.”
I especially like the part about work. I knew it all along, and I have some rough plans to on starting my own projects - in fact, I have already started; but I didn't put a timeframe to it as the planning of it. I think at least the article has alerted me about putting a slightly more concrete plan.

the clueless

One of the reasons of me hating my job is (another babbling on work), having to work with everyone in department who is not industrial savvy but thinks they are.

This is especially true when I attend some industrial updates event with them. I can get the idea the speakers are trying to convey very fast, but not for the rest. They always ask 'stupid' questions (which make me really feel like rolling my eyes). Okay, I'll bear with that, because everyone has the right to know, although they could have taken some initiatives to get more industrial updates in their personal time, so that they don't appear that ignorant. But the worse part is that sometimes they ask for the sake of asking, just to make an appeal to the bosses, even though the questions are totally unrelated - a good sign that they are totally clueless. I myself feel so embarrassed in front of the speakers and audience for being with people who ask such questions.

They asked me why do I keep quiet and not asking questions during these meetings. So far I only smile as the response. But the real answer is that I can understand the topics well, there's no point for asking silly questions.

I take pride with the industrial knowledge I hold, and with my constant initiatives and perseverance on getting myself updated on the industry. But living with these people really sucks. I don't know how they got into their positions, because a part of the the role of my department is to drive the company with our industrial knowledge. But just because of a degree or work experience from 20 years ago don't justify the constantly changing industry.

I will and must leave this place someday. I am not going to waste my knowledge on this field (which is my interest) in this place where it cannot be utilized.

Hmph! My resignation shall let you rot in Paleolithic age!


I'm a bit crazy today.

I hop on the LRT, but was undecided on where to go. Then I reached a station where I can transit to KTM, and suddenly decided to go to my old place. So I got off and took KTM and then bus.

I'm now in LRT on my way back home. Took a taxi to LRT station just now.

Maybe next time I'll try to go somewhere by plane or bicycle just to lepak alone. =p


















Waste Minimisation

I realized I have put up a lot of trash onto this blog lately...

Time to rethink the appropriate things to post here. It's meaningless if I bore my readers and at the end no one really reads my blog when I need advice...

Care about the environment. Go green. Green with envy.

Dear sir

Make the step now! If they won't let you transfer, then quit and go
elsewhere. I know your current job tends to be more stable, but I think
mental stability is more important. ;-)

Dear sir,

While you are absolutely right about the importance of mental stability, it's easier to say than do. Where can I get enough funding to quit...


I think I'm really someone who lacks of patience. I don't like having to endure and wait for the time to come. In most things, I can do something else first as an alternative, or I skip the wait altogether and afterwards, fix the mess caused by skipping the wait. But in this case, I really don't see in what other ways I can go about it.

A friend commented on my brows. They never stop frowning for a second, even when I'm laughing.


Artist: “Jade” Liu Li Yang
Title: Lonely Lightyear (Ji Mo Guang Nian)

i don't like u

i don't like u =(

u spreaded lies and false rumours. just because u suspect me, doesn't mean u should spread lies to test me. =(

to some extent, i think i hate u! =(

have u thought of the consequences, of your way of proving? if i'm not, i might lose a good friend, and u might lose two. if i'm, i probably will still lose a friend and you still will probably lose two. what good will it bring u even ur suspicion is proven? does it even affect ur life?

tmd. knn. kns. ccb.

u selfish turds. as ur so-called 'friend', i find my greatest value to u is the entertainment value being in ur evil gossips and idle talking, and probably the 'face' that u gain when u r able to get the first hand info that no one else knows.

i will endure. and i will definitely plan to flee as far away from u as possible. and if i can gain back my guts before i leave, i will definitely fight back. wait and see. i'm no tom, dick or harry when i get mad. while i might not be able to escape from the hell u made me into, i definitely still have enough strength to bring u down together.

*cracking knuckles*

*more vulgar words*....

I mind, a little

Gathering with my ex-colleagues yesterday was a nice catchup, except when they mentioned a little about homosexuality. Apparently before I joined, there's another staff who is a lesbian. One of my bosses told me that they are very open - they don't mind if anyone of them is gay or lesbian, except for the other boss.

Today, colleagues in my dept was talking about another colleague (I'll name him Victim to ease the story-telling) who is outstation now. So Colleague I told Colleague II that Victim has a partner. All of us in the dept know that Victim is a bit sissy. And I have overheard Victim's phone conversation before, so I was 80% sure he's gay. Then when Colleague I and II went on discussing Victim's partner, apparently Colleague II didn't have any idea about Victim's partner (neither did I). So Colleague I said, 'Oh, you don't know that Victim's partner is a guy? Isn't he gay? His partner is of course a guy.' 'How did you know?' 'Oh, Colleague III told me about it. And Colleague III said this guy is married, to a girl. ...' and they went on.

Victim is close to Colleague III. Considering Victim isn't out to anyone else, he must be close to Colleague III. But Colleague III is definitely not a good friend from my point of view. Because he told another person about Victim's secret (maybe it is not so secretive but it's not so public either).

I totally lost my confidence in telling any of my friend about my sexuality, looking at how untrustworthy these 'friends' are, no matter how close they seems to be.

Anyway, I was listening to their conversation, and turned to them and smile a bit several times throughout the conversation, as a sign of courtesy that I'm listening, although I don't want to comment about it. At the end of the conversation, Colleague II turned to me and told me not to learn from Victim.

I know all of them didn't mean anything discrimination towards gays. And I do admit the way they put gays into jokes and idle talking is not right but many of us do that, even to disabled people, elder people etc, sometimes without realizing it. But I still mind a little.

meeting up old colleagues

Went for a dinner and catchup with my old colleagues. I worked with them for only 2 months. But I feel my service and my talent are so much more appreciated there. They are a bunch of casual, easygoing, straightforward guys that appreciate good talents. I feel I can achieve so much with them, unlike so little that I can accomplish with my current job.

My ex-boss bought us all dinner, one that is so much more expensive as compared to my normal meals. Contemporary western dishes. I skipped the appetizer, went straight to the soup and main course, and then skipped the dessert. Only two dishes with another glass of drink, the price for my portion of this meal is more or less enough for my normal 3-meals-a-day for 1 week. OMG I've never had such luxurious western food before. It tastes so good (probably partly due to the price =P).

My ex-boss also bought me a book. They know I have been having a tough time with my current job. They are sympathetic and they do feel the waste for my skills being much underutilized and not appreciated. So they bought a book about work for me, to motivate me. My colleagues left some meaningful words for me in the book. Indeed, upon reading their words, I'm touched. They are where I can still feel my value in this world, I can only feel I'm still a useful person when with them. I'm very touched.

Although I'm tired and sleepy, I still opened up my computer because I want to take this feeling down in this blog.


I'm at it again. I didn't have a proper lunch.

Malas lah. None of my housemates are around. No one is having lunch with me. Malas to walk to the nearest place with food. (no car)

While I'm a big eater, but once I skipped a proper meal, I can almost instantly see my waistline become smaller as my pants at the best fit will loosen slightly.

sigh. I need some discipline. But I have been like this since my uni days.


ah I'm so fake. I thought I wouldn't go but eventually I went.

Anyway, I think 老天 wanted me to go. It was last night that I realized I needed to settle something in the office. Kebetulan the gathering is so near to my office. And since I was nearby already, it doesn't make sense not even to drop by and say hi, at least for courtesy.

I said hi and I shook their hands. But I don't feel as much animosity this time. Maybe they are good in hiding it and putting on fake smiles, or maybe they really don't hold any grudge against me anymore. I'll believe it's the latter (as usual, I'll look at the better side of humanity). Actually I don't feel I put on a fake smile - I think my smile was real.

Let unhappy things begone. =)

I learned another good step of my life. Fate has decided to let me learn.

thinning hair and emerging crow's feet

I have been using hair tonic thanks to my thinning hair.

I used up my last drop of hair tonic last night. So I went for a hunt for a new bottle today.

Been to Watson and Guardian. None sells the brand that I want.


During the weekend, my sis told me to buy eye cream, because my crow's feet are worse than those of an old man.


Sign of getting less young. =((


A friend called up for a gathering, inviting all of my Chinese uni batch mates.

We were a really small group. There's only very few of us Chinese. But it doesn't break the norm of being divided into groups due to arguments.

Now the calling for the gathering is awkward. The organizer wasn't with us when all the breaking-apart's happened. He probably didn't know how awkward it would be for everyone to be together in one occasion.

I don't like this gathering. I don't even feel like going. I don't want to see the faces with fake smiles but are cursing one another on their minds. I don't want to see the faces of people who sabotaged me. I don't want to fake my smiles and pretend that I'm in good terms with them.

(Yes, I was sabotaged, too. Despite how I tried to be neutral and non-aligned I tried to be over the years, a group of trouble-makers seem to be so keen of sabotaging others, launched their sabotage on me with the most petty excuse of my slip of tongue during my final semester. It seems to me they just don't want anyone not in their group to be out of their sabotage.)

But at the same time, I don't want to appear I'm afraid of those who sabotaged me. I don't want to be seemed guilty due to my absence.

I haven't really decided to attend or not. Probably I'll talk to other who were sabotaged first.

someone who turned me gay is straight

An old friend wished me happy birthday in Fb. He's as cheerful as I know him before. After so long having no contact with him, his birthday wish triggered my memories.

The time when I started to realize my attraction to guys (despite denial of being gay) was when he first groped me in a class. I felt a little excited, except when he told other classmates that he was groping me, I felt a little uneasy. Even so, I realized that I actually enjoyed being groped by him.

Some time later, he tried to kiss me on my lips in school, openly, in front of our friends. I know I wanted to be kissed, but I don't want to appear I like it in front of my other friends. So I gently rejected but was still hoping that he forced his kiss on me. LOL. It never came true though.

After that incident, he never did anything on me anymore.

But I strongly believe that his actions 'activated' my gay sense, triggered the rest of my story thereafter.

Over these years, I have heard stories of him with other girls. I believe someone like him most probably won't have any problems getting a girlfriend, even shortly after breaking up with another.

I checked his Fb profile, hoping for something different. He's single now, but he's interested in women.

Ironically, a straight turned me into gay.





平时都不怎么买东西,一买就买这么多,荷包大出血。。不过一年难得一次,偶尔也要宠宠自己,找一些物质享受丫!好啦,说得过去,荷包不会怪我的 XD







X bites X, Y eats Y.

(work rants)

I wanted to put the title as 'Dog bites dog. Black eats black.' But it sounds racist. But the black here doesn't mean the black people. It's actually literally translated common Chinese saying.

I saw it happened this afternoon.

One of the things that I hate in corporate world is that people use their power and influence to make you do things in their ways. I have seen that a lot in my dept head, and this is the feature that I despise and disrespect him the most. You may say I'm naive, but I believe the best leaders are those who use their virtues to make others submit to them (Chinese: 以德服人).

Anyway, what happened today is that, my dept head was done that same thing he has done on many others. Looking at how it happened actually thrills me a little (although I was scolded by someone on an instruction from my dept head). I think that's his retribution for doing the same.

I'm not going to disclose the details - it won't be interesting anyway. But I really like the fact that my dept head has got the same treatment he has given to others. Muahaha~ (Okay, I don't dare to laugh like that in front of him)

In any case, I still look forward for the day that I can leave this hell. I'll consider today as a motivation to fight for my exit.

Whatever you do, you can lie others, you can lie yourself, but you can't lie the heaven. You're always watched, so make fair judgment, and do whatever that is right. =)

living habits

(life rants)
Imagine you woke up with your eyes still sleepy. You literally dragged yourself to the toilet to do business. And you step on a puddle of water on the toilet floor. At first you didn't feel anything wrong, but suddenly you realized that the puddle of water didn't look like water. You had another look at it, it looked a little yellowish. You were shocked. You couldn't believe what you had stepped on, and you stupidly wiped your feet with your index finger and slowly put it near your nose just to confirm it, and it was confirmed. You had just stepped on a puddle of pee.

How's that? It happened to me this morning. Eww!

I know one of my housemates is not so hygienic. He never picked up a broom to clean his room, not to mention the whole house. That doesn't matter anymore since the room is his, and our housemates do take care of the cleaniness of the house. He drops hair a lot, and the strings of hair curl on the bathroom and toilet floor and sludge sticks on the hair in a matter of several days right after the last cleaning. That's not that okay, but I know not everyone is willing to clean the bathroom and toilet and no one can control his hair drop. But wtf, peeing on the floor?! You might as well live in a kennel! Holyshit!

I know you might not have completely waken up when you peed and wasn't able to aim properly. But after you've done, at least wash it away with water, from the most convenient rubber tube beside. What is so hard about it?? My goodness!

I can literally count so many of his bad living habits that I have never seen in a single person before for my entire life! He doesn't turn off the fan and/or lights when he's not using it, sometimes he even leaves the fan on the whole day while he's working. He lets the tap water flow at its fastest speed while taking his own sweet time shaving. He doesn't lock the house door after coming in. ...and so on. Anyway, all of those does not piss me off as much as his piss on the floor!

My goodness, I'm living with someone who is more unhygienic than my dog.

of saving 'face' for company

I really think this job doesn't suit me.

(ok it's about my job again.)

My job deals with vendors. Many times vendors cannot deliver as promised. My job includes to 'push' them to deliver as soon as possible.

Like usual, I did it again today, 'pushing' a vendor.

And it seems like there's my company's email server broke down. Incoming external email cannot reach me. I tried to call the account manager but couldn't reach him. I left a message in the voicemail asking him to call me back but I didn't receive any call.

So I thought the vendor has not delivered as promised, and was trying to avoid me. After seeking advice from a senior colleague, he encouraged me to write to the account manager's superior to complain on the under-delivery.

So I wrote the email.

In the afternoon, I still get no response, not even from the account manager's superior. Before the day ends, I finally reached the account manager, by SMS. He said that he has replied all my emails, and that he has delivered the promised documents to my user. Later I found out that my company's email server is not running well, and the documents I had been chasing for was already with the user.

I was caught in an awkward position. I know how it feels being wronged by others. I feel sorry for him. I can completely understand he didn't want to reply my call because I wrongly complained on him.

I wanted to apologise for the mistake, but someone said there's no need for that. As the client and a bigger company, we shouldn't apologise to vendors on this kind of petty matters - that will make them being arrogant towards our company and our company will lose its 'face' to the vendors.

So should I just keep quiet and do not reply anything to let it be? I as the worker of the company shouldn't. Stop replying means I admit my mistake and company will lose 'face'. I had to squeeze some mistakes at the account manager's part to make him guilty.

So I replied him, blaming that he should call me back since he received my message in his voicemail. And I had to make it wordy to make it sound strong.

This is the worst day of my humanity this far. I believe there will be worse to come.

long week

this week is so long... I felt like I have done so many things in work already yet it is still middle of week.


going to sleep now. otherwise tomorrow will be another tiring day. =(


please be more careful, omgoodness...

another careless mistake you're exposed, dear.


Spent the day doing cleaning. Initially only wanted to clean my room. But beh tahan with how dirty the house is, so cleaned the house as well. Then wanted to go for bath, found out the bathroom is dirty as well, so cleaned it up. Then wanted to use the toilet, but the toilet is so dirty. So at the end, cleaned up the toilet as well. Then finally going to bath but realized my clothes need to be washed as well.. so washed the clothes edi... finally taking bath... sigh. so tired.

the house is full of hair. the bathroom and toilet are worse - full of hair with sludge. none of my housemates clean those up.. all princes and princesses who don't dare to touch dirty stuffs.. wtf. if u don't dare to touch dirty stuffs then how do u bath? for sure ur body has got sludge as well. those who drop hair the most don't even sweep the floor... the rest just go out for the whole weekend to avoid household chores..

hmph! there're still so many unpleasant things even not working.. i just wish i could leave as soon as possible, leave the job and eventually this place.. *runaway mode* find a place more gay friendly, find a place people are more understanding and no pressure being gay. find housemates who give basic respect to gays as much as to any normal person...

i think i m getting more 愤世嫉俗... (lit. angry with the world and resentful to the culture) =[


I think I have forgotten how to be happy.

I have not felt happy for such a long time. The last time was before my graduation when I had a crazy hang out with my uni mates. We did lots of crazy things that day. I laughed a lot that day. Laughed because it was really funny. Laughed because I was really happy. I spoke like me. I laughed like me. I did crazy stuffs like me. I felt I was me again after so long.

I tried to do the same during recent hang out, but it feels so different. It felt like I was forcing myself to be happy. My laughter wasn't that natural. It didn't feel that happy has the one before.

I have lost the feeling to be happy for so long again.

转:男歡男愛、女歡女愛 ,不是我們自願選擇的!



記得小時候,經常跟隨著父親去超商購物,總是會有那麼幾次的,父親會去購買他的內褲 ,那是我最高興的時段,每一次在他(父親)挑選的同時,我都會很專注的看著內褲包裝上的男模,看著模特兒的身材和那一包,且是看得興高采烈又欲罷不能。那時我還不知我的行為已經是異於常人,也沒想那麼多…。
就在國二時,我頭一次感受到戀愛的氣息,對象是位女生,就那麼1次的告白, 我被對方拒絕了。 內心非常痛苦,體會到極大的挫敗感! 因此之後,我就對女生充滿了排斥感;再也沒有任何感覺(情)了 。
有的,也僅有欣賞女性那純純的體態美感,我的欣賞是不帶有任何的性及慾望 。

李安是我非常喜歡的台灣導演,就在我大學時期,一部電影作品轟動了國際影壇。是的!那就是 斷背山 。



1. 有一個人會主動的跟你(妳)聊有關〝同志〞性向的問題,那就表示,此人是個能接納或支持同志的人。

2. 或許該人也有著同志方面的性向和質疑,再者就是他(她)的周圍也有著同志的朋友或家屬。

3. 如果該人是反同志者,那他(她)絕對不會主動來問「你(妳)是同性戀嗎?」此行為是多此一舉的!真要作出行動也一定是說出一些侮辱同志的術語「死同性戀!死玻璃!娘娘腔!死變態!……等。」,不然就是不表示意見的靜靜閉口不說。



我聽很多人說,同性戀就是會感染愛滋病!(誰說的!難道異性戀的就不會,假神聖。) 同性戀就是有罪!他們違背了自然的法則。(何謂法則?傳宗接代嗎?得了吧…,全世界能〝傳宗接代〞的人不差我們這些同志。) 同性戀就僅會造就社會的問題!(吃屎把!別把少數的案例,當作全世界的同志都是如此。) 同性戀注定著一辈子孤單到死去的那天。(這干你屁事。)




I'm having a bad feeling. I think my housemates might have already known that I'm gay.

My housemates and I have always been making fun of each other, but these few days they have been making fun of me with gay topics. The words they use on me sound like they know something.

I think I'm in trouble. What should I do? I'm not ready for this yet. *worried*


Weekend is finally here~!

I feel a bit of relieved for being able to take a little rest... but it's always too short =(

My senior ajak me to hang out tomorrow! Looking forward! This senior is really nice to me. He told me that he's worried that I will be bullied at work. Haha. Maybe he immediately thought that it doesn't sound right saying it that way - maybe he immediately regretted for saying so. Maybe it sounds stupid but I was really happy to hear it.

I have always wanted to be protected and be worried about. Maybe because my family has always put the least worry on me, as I have always been acting as if I have nothing for them to worry about. Stupidly contradicting.

Senior is someone that I have always looked up upon. We were in the same high school. He was three years more senior than me. But he was very famous in school. He was a high achiever in academics, and also a state level (if I remember correctly) athlete. He has won so many prizes and fame for the school and himself. I was a young little unknown junior to him and has always been looking up upon him. I wanted to be as famous and as great as him. He's like a role model to me, someone whom I wanted to be (anyway, I'm in no way close enough to his level).

I remember the first time I met him in company, I couldn't believe that I'm now working in the same company as him. My friend was introducing him to me, but before my friend told me his name, I already said it out. It almost feels like your idol is now your colleague, which is so unbelievably surprising and exciting. Senior and my friend were both surprised to hear me saying out the name.

He has told me that he wants to drag me out for long, because I stay at home too much. I know well that as much as I don't like crowded places, I won't mind to go out with him, because it feels good to have someone to care for me and I want to continue to be cared about.

Anyhow, senior has a gf. He's not gay. But I feel happy enough for having a big brother like him.

Crazy me.


I'm sorry, this is another work-related post.


FYI, I just joined my current company few months ago. My probation period was supposed to end in February, after I have submitted my log of assignments and approved by my uppers. I was forced into my current job, when I have not much interest in what I'm doing (instead, I have more interest in what I WAS doing before I get this job).

This few weeks have been hectic. Another colleague (slightly more senior than me) is away for a business trip. I had to do what was supposed to be done by two persons, which results in me neglecting my assignments log which was supposed to due last week.

I have to admit I'm bad in multitasking and time-management and prioritizing tasks and anything along the lines. This morning I finally submitted my assignment log to let my direct supervisor see. He doesn't seem to care much about it, as he didn't glance a bit on it. And I have no time to care about him checking my log or not, as I have other administrative work prior to my business trip tomorrow that is urgent and no one would do it if not me.

After my bosses have left the office. I finally settled down with my work, and realized that I haven't reminded my direct boss on my log.

So, I decided to send an SMS to my direct boss. That's where it starts all the WTFs.

My second level boss got to know about the news that I'm not confirmed until now. He sent an SMS to me blaming and questioning me why am I late in my confirmation, telling me that no one would be able to help if I don't take care of my own career, and that I should complete my log quickly and cancel my business trip if necessary.

Obviously he didn't know the whole story, except the part that I haven't submitted my approved log to HR.

WTF! I have completed my log and submitted for my direct boss's verification this morning. I felt the need to explain myself on this. So I replied on it, and nothing else on his questioning.

He replied why now, and said that he doesn't want to hear excuses. He also told me to make sure HR get it on time, and that I'm old enough to know what's important and what's urgent.

WTFF!! I was only explaining the part that he misunderstood, and I did not make excuses for the part that I'm in fault. Not to mention about the part where my direct boss is in fault - he has been chit-chatting and doing non-work related stuffs so much for today but which part of the log has he read? WTFFF!!! And how dare he complains to the big boss that I do not care about my career etc. when he saw I have not rested for a minute for the past 2 weeks?! WTFFFF!!!!

WTFFFFF!!!!! And I'm indeed very confused with what's important and what's urgent because:
- my direct boss told me I should complete the log at my own time because it is for my personal benefit.
- my direct boss told me to do something urgent, but when I completed it and let him see, he decided to leave it for tomorrow.
- my direct boss and big boss have been pushing me into completing the prior work for the coming business trip this morning itself. Little do I know my personal assignment log would be more important than this fixed and set trip.


AND, I didn't choose the job on my own will, and I have clearly stated to them during the interview that I'm interested in technical job, i.e. not the current job, and that my expertise has always been on the other side, but they insist of taking me in! Of course I would care less about this job than anyone else! What else do you expect when you force me to join you?! WTFFFFFFF!!!!!!! I thought they should be grateful enough when someone who is not interested in this job at all still work with responsibility and volunteer working extra hours when everyone is trying to escape! WTFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!! My extra hours spent has been taken for granted and not appreciated and when I don't work the extra hours due to that, my direct boss told the big boss that I don't prioritize my work. WTFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

I hate all of you. I wish I don't have to face you fake people! I wish not to hear your time consuming lectures when what is more important is to fix the wrongdoings in time. WTFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!! I don't know how all of you cunning and untruthful creatures think and am not interested in thinking your ways.

I'm clearly bursting all the non-related things altogether because I'm indeed very furious now for being scolded unreasonably.

You can scold me on me being late in my submission, but not scolding me for giving excuse when I was not, and not scolding me for not caring about this job when I took care to complete the log, and not scolding me for not knowing what's important and what's urgent when you're the ones who confuse me this morning itself.

I wish I do not need to face you to hear your lectures! But I'm very very sure I'm going to have to hear it the day after tomorrow when I see them again. WTFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

some rantings on work

Well. Today I'm not going to talk about my gay life and thoughts. Instead, I would like to talk about my work.

My work is no good. Maybe I do not have enough experience in workplaces to know what is a good job. Or maybe I'm just too ambitious and idealistic.

To many, my work is good. The pay is slightly more than average (although lowest in the industry). I get to travel from time to time. Currently I get to travel domestically, and most probably will get the chance to travel overseas in a few years. The benefits provided by the company is good, although in exchange I have to comply to some of the seemingly ridiculous codes of conducts.

I want to work in technical field of my background, but ended up in a management work due to hardly avoidable circumstances. Doing management work means I have to deal with budgeting for the department, collecting training plans, keeping track of and giving out stationaries, sending documents to other departments, booking flight tickets and hotels for business trips etc. On the other hand, if I were to be in a technical job, I only need to have the know-hows on the technical side, and the most non-technical thing that I would have to do is only my claims and allowance. It really makes a difference to me when I'm so passionate with my technical skills and knowledge but I'm forced to work on a largely non-related job and not able to resign for a long time. I'm totally not good in doing management work as I've realized long ago since my uni days. I don't do well in managing clubs and events - to certain extends, I don't even manage myself well. God knows why the hell my employer insists on taking someone who is not good in managing to do management work.

The pay I get now is higher than working in my technical field. But it doesn't make sense to me to earn more money in exchange of doing what I don't want to do. I would rather get a lower pay doing something slightly more of my interest where I'm more skillful and confident in.

It is so sad for a 21-y.o. young chap like me to graduate so early. I feel like I haven't enjoyed my teen life enough before my working life. I know well of the good old Chinese saying "吃得苦中苦,方为人上人", which means a person who can endure the most suffering sufferings will become the best person among the people. But I think I'm more of a hedonist and I'm not that ambitious to be the best person. ;P

Okay, enough ranting. Tomorrow is another working day. =S