Archive for 2010

acupuncture

Dear has been having reoccuring sinus... He intends to look for acupuncture treatment.
But I know nothing about acupuncture in KL/Selangor area. So I have to resort in finding out from my friends and I thought I can get some input from here as well.

Anyone reading this has any related info (e.g. location, price range etc.) kindly post it as a comment.

Thanks =)

rainy day

roti: it's raining here. and i miss u, dear.
dear: i'm in train now. waa.. first time u say something like that to me.. making me smiling alone in the train.. i miss u too, dear
roti: lol
dear: i m wet because of the rain..
roti: u didnt bring an umbrella..?
dear: didnt know it would rain..
roti: i bring an umbrella everyday
dear: don't want.. so aunty.. so not masculine..
roti: (...-_-) ish bring a retractable one la.. not the mary poppin's one
dear: i only have mary poppin's one.. many of them
roti: lol. ok.. sounds like u r more willing to be wet than carrying an umbrella
dear: if u r holding an umbrella for me, i will be more happy
roti: ish.. we are staying so far away from each other.. like 20 stations away..
dear: only 19..
roti: more or less the same la..
dear: bueeekkk
roti: ;P


i like sweet little lovers' quarrels like this.

agreement on sex

I'm conservative on marriage and sex. To me, sex should only be done with someone whom I would considered married to, despite I won't be married (by ceremony) to someone. (IMO between gay couples, there's marriage too, maybe just without the ceremony.)

So after Dear told me that he got turned on by my cuteness, as much as it sounded like a wet blanket, I wanted to make it clear to him that I will not involve in 'premarital sex', unless I'm sure that I will marry the person (by or not by ceremony).

He agrees and he said he won't take my virginity. But for the rest, he can offer by demand. I declined immediately, knowing he meant oral sex. I told him that to me, oral sex is still sex, which is something only between me and my lifetime partner.

I think that's my principle and dignity. And one really good thing about Dear is that he respects my principle. =)

That's at least for the current me. I might change in the future, but at least for now I'm holding up to this principle.

shotacon

i think Dear is a shotacon (fetish towards young boys or young-boy looking guys).

all this while i met him while wearing shirts, and he jokingly commented that my shirt doesn't fit me, and it was 'unhot'..

today i met him in my t-shirt, with my shaved face. and when we left each other, his feedback through whatsapp to me was that he got horny at the first glance at me today. lol

i'm short, and i have a boyish face. with my height and my boyish face shaved, if i go out with t-shirt, i can easily deceive people by saying i m a form 4 student (and i did before).

i think that's probably where Dear got attracted by me today gua.. lol

i'll treat that as a compliment.. but i realize that's lust but not love. =)

2nd date (?)

went out to meet Dear just now. but because I was so determined to reach before him, I didn't style my hair well. we only met for a short while, and I was rushing to leave. later on train, he pm'ed me..

dear: why were u rushing just now? i wanted to be with u a bit longer..
roti: oh, i wanted to buy groceries. and my hair wasn't good.. feeling embarrassed to hang out long.
dear: no lah. u were cute and handsome, seriously. if u were at my house, i would have hugged u.. hehe
roti: lols
dear: it's so nice to see u just now.. and i like u smiling and blushing
roti: eh did i? i didn't know i blushed. when was it?
dear: haha. when i looked at u
roti: lol. i didn't know i did.

i don't understand why he would want to & like to see me that much, yet doesn't want to be lovers with me. but it's ok. i must not demand for more.

and i'm so glad that i was earlier than him.

love u, Dear.

hard ice-cream

roti: have you eaten, dear?
dear: not yet.
roti: you're not hungry? it's already 8.15
dear: nope.. i had an apple and ice-cream.
roti: oooo.. eat ice-cream didn't ask me along
dear: if you are here for sure I will ask you along. for the other 'ice-cream' also can
roti: haha is that ice-cream cold?
dear: no.. but it taste good only because it's hard.. haha..
roti: lol

how does stress relate to virginity?

roti: Let me know if you are stressed. I will be your stressball.
dear: wow... are you sure?? I'm very naughty when I'm stressed.
roti: hahaha
dear: but don't worry I won't take your virginity
roti: erks
dear: lol
roti: yish2. like I want to give you my virginity. lol
dear: haha.. enough.. else later tonight I get horny
roti: self service then
dear: not best...
roti: or else what you want to do? soak in cold water? lol
dear: naughty you

Thankful

I was greedy.

At first I told myself I will be lonely for the rest of my life because I want people around me to be happy, yet not wasting a girl's lifetime happiness.

Then I met him and started to imagine being his lover.

And when he rejected me, I fell apart was disappointed.

Then he explained to me, and I agreed to maintain our intimate yet non-lovers' relationship.

I should be grateful. I expected I will be lonely for the rest of my life, but fate gave me him. I should not be greedy. It's already more than what I was supposed to get and I should treasure it with thankfulness.

Thank you for letting me know you, Dear.

I will not be greedy and will not ask for more.

late

Omg I feel so bad, so terrible.

Dear asked me out for dinner. And I was late for 45 minutes!

I'm just hopelessly bad.

I don't have a proper reason to explain my being late..

He detests people being late the most.

I feel I'm hated.

Sorries don't work.

Please forgive me, Dear.

I gave him his happy ending

He explained to me today.

I think he's scared of hurting himself and others, so he would rather to be a very close friend with me than be a lover. He said he will have to get married.

I started to understand all he wants is someone so close to him that he can call 'dear', that he can talk to on anything, that he can hug and that has a shoulder he can lean on, yet not a lover.

I think I understand and I agreed to be just like what we were in the past few days.

It is already hurting me for being rejected, then I have to be his closest friend, and use intimate and flirty words on each other yet not being his lover. That's probably the most cruel thing for me, but I don't know what makes me agree to him. Maybe it's love. Maybe I love him so much that I'm willing to be cruel to myself to make him happy.

Love makes people blind.

暧昧

这首歌不是新歌,已经好几年了。当时听的时候,不懂为什么这首歌,听起来没什么特别,可是却这么红。现在懂了,原来它跟好多人的故事契合,它写出了好多人的心声。

暧昧,让人受尽委屈。

keeping it 'between us'

This is the second time I request someone to keep my sexual preference between us.

It's so pointless. If I'm scared, I shouldn't even be thinking about it. And if I'm so naive to get hooked this way, making such request to some bad guys who were trying to play me makes things worse.

Too naive.

confession n: failed

He only said he was flattered.

If he felt the same way as I do, surely he would say so and then we will have a happily ever after.

But he replied otherwise.

Whatever reason it is, I failed yet again.

It's ok. I'm strong enough to take it. It is not that painful.

Time to walk away.

confession n

Omg I can't believe this. Being drunk in his kindness, I confessed to him.. he hasn't replied. I hope he feel the same...

he is my prince

As far as I can tell now, he is my prince. He has all the attributes that I want for my partner.

He is knowledgeable, good looking, caring, has an athletic body..

But as compared to him, I'm so tiny. I'm ignorant, childish, not-so-good looking, silly and skinny..

I'm feeling that I'm not good enough for him. =( He's just too good for some one like me..

game of love

I'm afraid of losing in the game of love.

While I feel the impulse to get closer to him, I try to keep myself down.
Try not to Whatsapp him too much, try not to YM him too much, try not to think about him too much.

I'm afraid to lose - as if I show to him that I need him more than he needs me, I will lose. People usually don't appreciate things that come easily, so my intuition tells me being far and near (instead of being near all the time) (若即若离) makes him appreciate my presence more.

Another thing is that I'm still not comfortable to be out. I'm not comfortable letting people I know know about my sexuality. He didn't say anything about his preference. What if I'm wrong? If I take the first move but it turns out he's not the same as me, then what? I'm in an awkward state. I know the problem is with me, but I'm just not comfortable with it yet...

And tonight seems to be quiet, without him Whatsapping me...

And I think I'm someone who is in extreme insecurity at all time. I think my subconscious mind is already asking me to prepare for lovelorn before the love even starts.

Ah. I'm a really odd one.

interracial.. love or lust?

Last Friday, I met someone I feel special on. The feeling was growing as we interact more on work. We exchanged our contacts this Friday and more flirting came along in only two days.

I used to be against interracial relationship, at least for myself, because I'm very proud of my Chinese heritage and I'm afraid that my pride towards my heritage would hurt interracial relationships. Now I've changed my opinion a little. I think full acceptance is possible when there's love. I can't imagine how my life would change if we move on further. All I can think of is that I may have to change my diet. While I don't think that would be a big problem for me, things may be different from what people imagine.

I have been thinking, are we progressing too fast? I'm worried that this comes fast and goes equally as fast.

Being very inexperienced in love, maybe I'm just desperate, or maybe it's just lust. But in any case, I think I'm going to give it a try, if it develops further.

changes

I know the fact that those that are kind to me will encourage me in doing anything, but only those who concerns about me would tell me about the reality and make me facce it. I also know that in this world full of betrayal, my family are the only ones that will never betray me.

So I'm heeding their advice although I was very firm to go for mine.

Job hunt is going on!

噩梦

半夜被一场噩梦惊醒。堂堂男子汉竟然也会有噩梦,可笑。

我梦见我做出伤害家人的事。

两个星期前,我原本高高兴兴地想要趁我还在这里工作时,带家人来KL玩。百忙中筹备了快一个月。终于把在全马各地的家人聚在一起。怎知道去玩的前一晚,跟家人大吵一顿。

家人委婉地提出不希望我从事回以前的工作。虽然委婉,但是在我就要离开的前一个月——在当我已经为离开的所有,和离开后的一切都打点好后,才向我表示他们不赞成。

其实之前不是没在电话上提过,不过我以为我成功说服了他们,那时过后他们一直都没说什么,一直到两个星期前的那天。

我知道我这样的决定是一个自私的决定。我考虑了很久,为的就是找到一个对家人和身边每个人冲击最小的方式来完成自己的志愿。尽了所有考虑的可能后,终于决定了一条自己该走的路,一条对身边的人冲击最小的路。

我知道家人大概很难真正明白我要走的路,虽然我已经试过解释给他们听了。他们虽然明白我所解释的,但正如我早就预料到了的,他们是没办法理解我为什么我会想要走这条路,所以我不奢望他们会鼓励我,不过只要是不反对我的决定,我就当作是一种支持了。

一直到两个星期前,我才知道,由始至终,他们都是反对的。而且还在最后的关键时刻才表明立场。

在那之后,他们反对我的决定和跟我大吵的那一幕,每三天两头就出现在我梦里。每次梦到最后,半梦半醒中,我跟家人完全闹翻、对妈妈冷漠让她痛心、什么都不管就远走高飞,等等诸如此类的结束画面,每次都把我惊醒。

我有千百个离开这里的理由,却又不知道该从何说起,许多说起来对别人会是可笑的,但对我而言是重要的。我清楚知道自己要的是什么,做得到的是什么,而且我具备了大多数人没有的、那份离开安逸生活的勇气,这是多么难得的!

可是家人突入起来的这一击,让我饱受煎熬。家庭观很重的我实在没有办法撇下他们的异议不管。那天吵完后,表面上他们看起来是妥协了,但是他们不晓得他们在这么关键的时候这么一闹,让我没办法坚定地踏下这一步,我甚至不知道要用什么心态回到家里去面对他们、去度过在家里工作两年的计划。有时脑海里甚至会出现我一走了之,不管家人死活反对的情景。

我不明白,我家人难道没想过在这种时候提出反对,就算再怎么有理也只会造成伤害。我现在的工作早在两个月前就辞掉了,三个月的预警期就快届满;我租的房间也已经退了,租到十二月底就不租了;我也已经答应接受我的新工作了,新工作的email甚至都已经开始有往来了;我已经向所有问我的人说了,我的新工作是在家里做的(work from home),所以辞职生效后我会回到我家去……这些种种都已经做了,我还能有退路吗?这个时候反对,我又能做什么来迎合你们?你们知不知道你们这时候提出反对,是对我非常残忍的吗?你们可知道要走到这一步需要多少勇气?你们可知道我将来的成败就看我走的够不够坚定?你们可知道我每个几天就会被这噩梦惊醒,害我生活乱了调?

我只能说为了家里的安宁、为了家人好,我把多少事情藏在心里,偷偷为了家人而做了让自己痛苦的决定。种种的决定没人了解、没人知道,都没关系,因为它们本来就不该让家人知道。但在我这仅存的、没办法放弃的梦想,却被家人这样伤害,受过的种种苦楚,因为心酸,突然倍增了。

我知道只有真正关心我的人才会反对,但是关心归关心,还是没办法抹去他们的反对对我未来要走的路,和对我的伤害。

人在面对无法解决的问题时,就会下意识地想逃避。我想一走了之的念头就是我潜意识给我的逃避方案。它是不对的、不正面的,但是我却没办法杜绝它在脑海里浮现,甚至会有股冲动想要就这么办,因为我实在是乏力面对这个问题了。

我好想逃。

independent and self-sufficient

perhaps i was too used to putting hope in having a person to talk to, when in actual fact i don't really need one.

it turns out i can hardly talk about things regarding my homosexuality with the friend that i recently found out to be gay. he's gay, and so am i. but there's something unexplainable on this, i just feel he might not be as matured-thinking as i am (although we are around the same age) and we are talking to each other at a different frequency.

actually there's nothing to be glad about finding out a friend is gay, because that doesn't mean he is someone i can have a deep talk to.. and in fact i didn't realize i actually don't need to have that kind of deep talk with anyone.

so it is good being independent and self-sufficient.

i think i have got used to keep everything in myself without going crazy, i think my heart and mind can take it, even though it usually takes a little hard time at first in my previous experience. but as compared to what i've been through, this is nothing.

friend who is gay

during my away for months, i got to know a lot of people, possibly the most ever i got to know in such a short period of time. and i kept contact with some of them.


it was until today i got to know that one of them is gay. i wasn't surprised as there were one clue on him,  although not an absolute indicator, which made me had a blink of mind that he might be gay.

likewise, when i told him on msn that i probably will not get married for the rest of my life. he seems to be able to comprehend and he told me that he probably won't too. then the same consensus is with us that we are on the same boat. the rest of our conversation is typical.. asking each other when did we found out about ourselves, and when did we suspect each other.. the word gay didn't appear explicitly throughout the conversation but we can safely assume that both of us meant the same thing.

it's good to know at least there's a real friend that i can talk to from now on..

on the other hand, my plan to leave is firm now. by next year i won't live in this big city anymore. maybe it's not a wise decision all together, to quit my current job and leave this place, but i don't want to be regret for not trying to achieve what i want. the robbery and the months-away are probably hints from the heaven for me to make this decision.

I'm back

I'm back
with a decision to leave in months to come.

countdown

another 12 hours i will be leaving this sin city.

for the past one week, i haven't been meeting my regular lunch mates. it's just that i don't want them keep interviewing me on the robbery. it's not a pleasant memory and i have been trying to get over it.

(this post was supposed to end here, but many other things came to my mind, so i continued typing...)

* * *

if it wasn't because being selected to go to that place for 3 months, i wouldn't have to leave home that day, i wouldn't have been there at that time when the robbery happened. the victim wouldn't be me if it wasn't because i was selected to go to that certain place.

probably it is fated.

i have always been believing in fate. but i never realized how one incident fated can bring to another incident - probably it is fated to come after another, and i never realized how helpless and insignificant a person is as compared to his fate.

probably it is really fated.

i have always wanted to quit my job, but i couldn't find a good reason to justify having to bear the breach of contract repayment, while i can still endure with things in my job. the robbery was probably an indicator. it was probably the best hint i was given to leave and to go for something i m better with. the 3-month away is also probably part of it - for me to leave my job temporarily to consider my resignation without mentally attached to my job.

* * *

losing a one-month old phone that costs more than 2k is really painful. i treated my dear phone so well. i almost named him, just that i didn't manage to find a good name. i rarely have the desire to buy stuffs, let alone expensive stuffs. it took me some effort to save enough money to satisfy my rare desire. so i treasure all the things i bought out of my desire a lot. plus, i don't have any other people that i can be emotionally attached to, so losing the phone is really painful.

feeling the pain emotionally is probably a test to me. getting over it means i gain a stronger heart.

another way of looking it, i have other expensive gadgets with me in my bag and my wallet was an expensive desire i entertained myself to and it contains my ID and cards etc.. maybe the robbers were glad enough to get an expensive phone so they didn't continue taking my stuffs. anyway, there would be more aftermaths to be dealt with if they took my wallet with my ID and cards, and it will caused me more pain if they took my notebook. looking from this perspective, my phone was the most disposable belonging at that time. i should be glad that they took my phone but not my other belongings.

on the other hand, a small and weak guy like me holding up a big and expensive phone is too flashy, and easily targeted by those fucking bastards. so i have decided that i will not get another flashy gadget to be targeted, until i get stronger. i want to learn self defense martial arts and i want to look strong.

another way to look positively, the desire to become stronger after the robbery will also make myself stronger. i just hope i have enough determination to become stronger and enough persistence to do whatever necessary to be stronger.

most importantly, i am still alive despite the knife could have probably taken away my life considering i was struggling during the robbery. i still remember clearly that one of the bastards pointed the knife on my chest but i was so panicked that i forgot not to struggle. if the stab reached my heart, i could have died on the spot.

幸福的资格 Prerequisite of Happiness

不敢爱的人是没有资格幸福的
One who is afraid to love does not qualify to have happiness
所以我永远也不会幸福。
Which is why I will not get my happiness forever.

大概是有了这一世都单身的决心。
This probably is my resolve to be single for the rest of my life.




回家吧。
Go back home, dear self.

hatred

and i hate myself to appear to be (and indeed is) defenseless and an easy target for the fucking robbers.

hate myself.

big present

laotian gave me a big present before i left for place that will cut off all my communications for 3 months.

tamade. I was robbed.

i struggled. they cut some light wounds out of my palm and fingers, before they managed to rob away my phone. i thought that's all the wound that i got. but after getting my hand wounds treated, getting a new sim card and completing my police report and statement, i finally settled down, taking shower at home, when I realized I have a stab wound on my right chest and a cut wound on my left back.

physical wounds are not painful. but what hurts more is my heart. this society is terribly ill. crime at daylight, while helpful people are surprisingly scarce. no one came to help even i screamed so loud. only one person cared to bring me to treat my wounds when my blood was dripping as i walked, although he couldn't find an open clinic. then i walked alone to find an open one. no one bother to walk me even when i asked for the location of nearest clinic.

was robbed in Masjid Jamek and since nobody can lead me to an open clinic, i took LRT with my hand still bleeding to KLCC for the only nearest, reachable clinic I can think of, Twin Towers Medical Centre.

people were avoiding me in LRT, not wanting my blood to stain their clothes. i was terrified and was sobbing cowardly, i admit. but only a foreign lady bother to pass tissue paper to me and asked me what happened. the rest just watched my bloody hand and listened to my sobs.

i hate kl.

it's about time i leave this place, totally.

說了再見

時間不多了
我就快離開了
說了再見
但是真的還能再見嗎?



說了再見
周杰倫

*天亮了 雨下了 你走了
清楚了 我愛的 遺失了
落葉飄在湖面上睡著了

想要放 放不掉 淚在飄
你看看 你看看不到
我假裝過去不重要 卻發現自己辦不到

說了再見 才發現再也見不到
我不能就這樣失去你的微笑
口紅待在桌腳 而你我找不到
若角色對調你說好不好*

說了再見 才發現再也見不到
能不能就這樣忍著痛淚不掉
說好陪我到老 永恒往哪裡找
再次擁抱一分一秒都好

Repeat*

你的笑 你的好
腦海裡 一直在繞
我的手 忘不了 你手的溫度
心碎了一地 撿不回
從前的心跳 傷心過去我無力逃跑

說再見 才發現再也見不到
能不能就這樣忍著痛淚不掉
說好陪我到老 永恒往哪裡找
再次擁抱一分一秒都好

故意

那天,我到某地方吃午餐,让我遇见了他。一见如故。他好像也有注意到我。

今天,我故意到那天那个地方吃饭,不过没有太过期望遇见他,但是还真的让我又遇见了他。可是这次他好像故意装作没看见我。

糟糕。怎么满脑子都是这个陌生人…

随想

我已经不晓得了
如果要勉强说出目前是用怎样的态度/心情/方式去面对自己的人生和生活点滴
我大概就是 什么也不想管了

颓废
对就是这样说
突然想不起这样的形容词

我如果马上死掉
会让我在这世上留下遗憾的那几件事
其实就是我一直以来的推动力

可是不知道为什么
最近觉得心力疲惫
好像我没办法驾驭自己了
我试着用蛮力来推动
但是只觉得更加疲惫

工作,我早就不想干了
只想赶快存够钱提早解约
但是钱,相信很多人也在为它烦
总觉得这笔解约金是一个大黑洞
要怎么省、怎么存才够
难道我这的青春就只能以解约为目标
一直到过了年轻力壮的时候才为自己的梦想冲刺吗

还有工作上的挫折
总觉得怎么上天安排我去面对这些呢
我明白什么吃得苦中苦,方为人上人
这种话我说得出几百种
都是一直以来在心里默念来安抚自己用的
可是这根本是在压抑自己
我根本不想成为人上人
我不是三皇五帝,不用也不想像大禹治水,不用也不想像神农尝百草
更何况这份工作根本不是我想要的
有些只有在这个行业、这个环境才面对的挫折
根本就不是对我未来有帮助的

梦想
为了为自己解约以后铺路
我鞭策自己就算少睡一点、生多两颗(绝对不止两颗,而且很在意)痘痘
也要定时腾出时间一点一点地做
可是怎么突然也觉得这个梦想也是个大黑洞
我要怎么一点一点的把它完成
鞭策自己的力量也越来越不能驾驭自己了
我觉得自己像脱缰野马
越来越不收控
跟自己的梦想越来越遥远
甚至怀疑我的梦想真的是我想要的吗
还是只是我不满于现况潜意识给自己的一个假目标
我越来越不懂了

感情
一直想好好的爱一场
要真正的爱
但是又谈何容易
找不到对象
就算找到了又如何
说起来我为我梦想做的短期计划
其实根本就跟谈恋爱是不能兼得的
将来如果不干这份工了以后
很可能就是我离开这个城市
回到我家小镇的时候
到时候更别想有机会谈恋爱了

家人、生活琐事等
明明有一百样事要为自己做,
却又有许许多多的包袱
要为家人打算
要打点家事
一天忙完正要叹口气的时候
又发现自己住的地方实在无人打理惨不忍睹
看那些同屋住的死样子
又是在等我来做
做,就觉得他们会变本加厉
不做,又不忍心让自己住的那么不舒服
可是已经很累了,不想去考虑做或不做的问题
如果还有力气,就为了自己住得舒服去做
如果没有力气了,就勉强自己再忍耐一下

心里有一百、一千、一万个不满
但是却不知道要找谁说
认识的人不少
可是可以谈心的朋友
也只有中学时期认识的那几个
过了这么多年
虽然仍然保持联络
但是毕竟工作、学业、地理、历练相差越来越远
就算有机会聚在一起
聊起自己的心事
他们也不会懂
翻翻手机里的通讯录
想找一下可以倾诉的对象
才发现这5年来压抑真实的自己、保护自己
没有交到真心的朋友
人家说,哑子吃黄莲,有苦自己知
虽然po上来也算一种发泄
但是总比不过在朋友面前一次过吐干净

最近哭点很低
可能是因为需要发泄情绪的关系
所以在打这篇网志的时候
故意选了一些比较可以平伏心情的纯音乐歌曲
可是不知道怎么的
眼睛还是湿了
湿了又没人看
它干嘛湿了
湿了又不可以解决一切
湿了又不见得自己会好过一点
它干嘛死湿了

我找不到我人生的焦点
该往哪里看我都不知道了
跟别说往哪里走
突然想起日本动画《灼眼的夏娜》里那些torch
如果世上真有那样的东西真好我需要
觉得活得好累
如果不活着也不就一了百了
我所谓的朋友是没有人会为我惋惜的
我只是怕家人伤心
如果有torch这样的东西
让它来为我突然的消失做absorber
让我曾经的存在不为人所知

是不是说现在我活下去唯一的动力
或是说不能就这样死去的原因
只剩我的家人了

我已经不记得我写了什么了

缘份

好像真的是缘份不够……我有在试,但是总觉得有一股阻力。

算了吧。有缘的话自然就会有机会。

恨自己

我知道自从5年前起,我就从以前的火爆泼辣变得温和了很多。但是我从来不知道我其实根本变得那么懦弱了。

这5年里,发生大大小小的事,我都告诉自己要忍,不要什么事都强出头。没想到这5年的忍竟然已经深深烙在我的性格里了,而且到今天才恍然大悟。

可能是长期压抑和忍让,在公司里所有人,就连服务供应商的员工都没有在“怕”我。这几个月甚至有使唤我做工的服务供应商,我原本不以为然,觉得只是举手之劳,帮帮忙也没什么。但是情况越来越严重,基本上他们觉得我好使唤、好欺负,所以我越来越叫不动他们做工。最近这几次出状况,我对他们没辙,所以都告诉上司,让上司跟他们的上司谈。开始还挺好,至少叫得动了。今天就不好了,叫是叫动了,但是却把我骂了一顿。我知道我真的被欺负了,是真的该反驳的时候了,但是才赫然发现我根本不知道要怎么反驳。我以前那些大剌剌、一针见血的骂人本事都没了。我害怕了,我拿着笔的手在发抖。

从前我一直以为自己是退一步海阔天空,忍气吞声换来和气,何乐而不为,但现在我才知道那是自己骗自己的。也许当初我真的是想少惹事,但是后来根本就是我已经失去反击的能力了,还自圆其说,说自己是为了长远人和的打算。

我难过,可是不是因为莫名其妙被骂而难过,毕竟这份工早就让我失望了,这点挫折又算什么。

我难过,是因为我后知后觉,没发现自己已经完全变成一个懦夫了。至少如果早一点知道,我可能还会想一些应对方案。

我难过,是因为被人欺负却没办法吭声。

我难过,是因为我从前引以为傲的利齿铜牙已经不再,现在大概连假牙都不如了。

我难过,是因为我好像不能保护自己了,好像赤裸裸的任人鱼肉。

我难过,因为我后悔了。后悔当初忍气吞声,甚至后悔当初签下根本像卖身的合约。

我不知道怎么办。我不知道对于这次这个事件该怎么收场,该撕破脸,还是笑里藏刀,或是继续和气生财(真想呸)。

可恶。最可恨的还是自己太不争气。

=(

I think I have totally lost my fangs. Now even a vendor's staff can scold me and I could respond with a word.

I'm not sure if it is because my cowardiness or my lack of shrewdness..

=(

...

I don't know what to think of.

没事

回来了。

没事。

天意

天意。

当我决定想要好好了解他的想法的时候,就再也没看到他了。

无奈。又有点不甘。

倔强

果然
我还是放不下
因为我不甘心
我不愿不清不楚地放弃
还想再试一次
就算没有机会
也要清清楚楚地被拒绝
不要懵懵懂懂地退步放弃
要勇敢地面对
不要遗憾地离去
我还是倔强的那个自己

i heard a crack in me.

ouch. i saw something i shouldn't have seen.

=(

i'm so fragile. i feel a slight pain seeing something as insignificant as that.
it's just that i added him in my IM but he didn't...

but it hurts.

so useless la, me. *frown* *pain*

shouldn't have put hope. =((


奇怪

=(

我奇怪

明明是想说话,可是却开不了口。明明想问些什么,却不知从何问起。

我是败在自己的胆怯下。

怎样才可以找到出口?

有道理

看看自己喜欢的歌星的网志,果然英雄所见略同。

http://www.wretch.cc/blog/afalean/32408509

看看吧。

lack of updates

you probably have noticed (or not) the lack of new post here.

partly due to my new gadget on hand that keeps me from having enough time to post.

another reason is because i realized i could spend my time better by developing and improving myself on my interest and future career than ranting about my sexuality and current work here.

unhappy things happen, so be it. developing for my future is much more important for me personally.

thinking more mature? no, i think i m quite (or rather 'can be') mature in thinking, it's just that i m inconsistent.

live. and be alive.

一个又一个

喜欢上一首歌,觉得歌词很有道理

林俊杰《一个又一个》

最喜欢的是一开始的那段

一个又一个
排队等缘分
前面丢后面捡
捡到的变恋人
丢的变路人

写的真是经典绝句
一语道破

现实生活里的爱情不就是这样的吗

disheartened

it's so disheartening when even ur family don't understand ur passion, that even the industry people say u r good in.

i think my mum is still not happy with me taking this particular course that i graduated with flying colors (yes i really mean it) in my uni, the only thing is just that she can't do anything about it.

very disheartening, indeed. until today she hasn't accepted the fact that i m so much better in that industry (which i currently can't be fully in) than other industry.

i shall not speak of my future transition plan to her anymore. not that she can understand nor she will support.

i'm late home

but it's ok. the magical thing is that when u r doing something u have passion for, and hanging out with people who think alike as u, it's not a big deal to lose a few hours of sleep.

likewise when it comes to things u totally have no passion about, being with people who u can't get into their world and mode of thinking, it feels uncomfortable every moment of it, and every second, u keep counting the time left before u r off.

sleeping time

argh. i had two things to blog about tonite. but due to billing, tax filing, etc., i don't have time for it already. not to mention about my personal project that has not been touched for a week. =(

i wish i had more hours in a day.

7 Truths You May Be Running From

I bumped into a pretty inspiring article:

If I were to ask if you were a runner, what would you say? Before you answer let me be clear, I’m not referring to a person who goes out every morning and jogs a few miles. Instead, I’m talking about the person who runs away from the truths of everyday life.
Whether you consider yourself a runner or not, the reality is, we all run from truths we don’t wish to accept. Some of us like to run more than others, but in the end everyone is a runner. Many go to great lengths to avoid facing reality and in the process end up miserable. Personally, I’ve done enough “running” in my life to qualify for a gold medal at the Olympics. But at the end of the day, we can only run so long.
Contrary to popular belief, personal growth is not all about being positive and in a zen state 24/7. It’s certainty important to look at the positive aspects of life and live in a state of flow, but honest personal growth also requires that you take a hard look at your reality even if it’s not where you want it to be. To get from point A to point B you have to be honest with yourself first.
The following are 7 truths you may be running from and several tips to face them.

You’re Not Healthy

Are you as healthy as you want to be? Be honest. I’m not talking about having a six pack or bulging biceps but rather a life that is congruent with remarkable physical and mental health. If you are living a healthy lifestyle I applaud you, but for those who are not it’s certainly not too late to start now.
If your lifestyle is anything like an “average” American, chances are you aren’t all that healthy. This isn’t something to beat yourself up over however, simply accept where you’re currently at. The first step to change is to acknowledge that changes needs to be made.
Because this article is about facing truths, I’m going to be honest and say that I am not nearly as healthy as I want to be. By no stretch of the imagination do I consider myself overweight, but my physical health is definitely something I need to continue to work on. If I spent as much time physically running as I did metaphorically I’d be set ;).

Action Steps

Be Specific: Getting specific about what you want in regard to health is essential in being at the top of your game. Give yourself specific actions you can take that you know will bring yourself into alignment with better health. Saying, “I need to eat better” is a weak goal to have. Instead be specific: “I’ll replace drinking a glass of whole milk, with a glass of water.Fun Fact: A glass of whole milk has as much saturated fat as 5 pieces of bacon. (Source =Switch)
Start Small: What area can you work on TODAY that will bring you benefits in the long run? Don’t begin with a radical diet/exercise overhaul because you will only burn out. Take small steps that you know you can do on a routine basis. It’s essential to create a routine because routines don’t require motivation as fuel. Take the first step.
Start a Food Journal: Some say this may be a bit excessive, but it gets results. Instead of counting calories, simply write down what it is that you eat. Do this for several weeks and you’ll be sure to find some patterns that may need to fix.
Walk Daily: By far the easiest way to get into the shape you need, is to go on a daily walk. Not only is it good for you, it will give you time to get away and relax. In Healthy At 100, a book on those who live to the age of 100, nearly every Centenarian walked at least an hour a day. Coincidence? I think not.

Your Relationships Are Holding You Back

Unfortunately, many of us cling to relationships that are obviously doing more harm than good. I’ve certainly been there before myself as well. It’s safe to say that you and I both know those kind of relationships, the ones you recognize you need to let go but you just feel you can’t.
Maybe you’re hanging onto a romantic relationship because you’ve been dating for several years and are scared of change. Or perhaps you’re still friends with Johnny, now a serial killer druggie, just because he was your best friend in 3rd grade. Sometimes you need to let go.
Being loyal to an old friend or partner who you are no longer compatible with is only intelligent for so long, then you’re just wasting your time and blocking future relationship possibilities.
This truth can be particularly hard to accept but deep down it’s usually obvious. I’ve dropped a handful of relationships throughout  my life because there was no longer the compatibility there once was. Again, I know this isn’t always easy but it’s something we all must face.

Action Steps

Examine Your Relationships: Taking a hard look at your relationships takes a effort,  but is also very important. How do you examine your relationships? Literally ask: ” How do I feel about Suzie Q?” Be honest with yourself and how you feel. Don’t splenda coat your answers. Do you feel your social circle is helping you contribute to the world? Does your current friends and family lift you up instead of bring you down? Only you know for certain.
Talk With Those You Love: Part of examining your relationships is having dialogue with those you care about. If you feel as if a certain relationship isn’t helping the both of you, it’s important you talk things out. Putting up with a relationship just because you’re afraid of change is not only selfish, it hurts both of you in the long run. Talking about your relationships can be scary and nerve racking but again that doesn’t change the reality of the situation. Make communication a high priority.
Ask a Friend or Trusted One: If you’re struggling with a particular relationship it can be beneficial to ask someone you trust for advice. Often times an outside source will be able to give you some insights that you may miss. Be open to their opinion as it is likely they have a more objective view than you. Obviously, you don’t have to agree fully with what they say but just be willing to listen. If you’re struggling romantically try asking your best friend an honest prediction of what he or she predicts will happen in the future, this exercise may take courage but can be very mind opening.

You’re Indifferent About Your Career

[If you're working a job you LOVE you can safely skip this section. Don't worry... I still love you.]
Although I’ve yet to have an official career, I know what it is like to struggle through work you can’t stand. I honestly believe if you’re simply content with your current career you’re being selfish. That may be harsh to say, but there is simply no reason you can’t be doing work you’re completely passionate about.
Sure, you have to make money to pay the bills and provide for your family, but putting in the extra work to create a meaningful career is well worth the energy and will allow you to contribute far more value into the world.
Realizing that you aren’t currently enjoying your career is the first step to creating one in which you do.

Action Steps

Start Your Own Projects: If you aren’t currently happy with your career there are a plethora of options for you to consider. Starting side projects don’t require that you quit your job or tell your boss he’s fat, but it will require a bit of extra effort on your part. Accept those facts and get moving. Start now.
Realize There IS a way out: If you can’t fathom working a career that you love,it’s time you realize what age we’re in. I hate to sound cliche but anything is possible. There are plenty ofpeople “crushing it” on a daily basis all because they realize what is attainable.
Change Your Friends: Again, changing your friends may seem a bit harsh, but so is going to a job you hate everyday. If you’re surrounded by people who only wish to remain in the status quo, it’s no wonder you feel suffocated by what you call work. If you really wish to start contributing, it is likely in your best interest to create a new social circle that will support your future dreams and aspirations. It’s not totally necessary to cut all ties, but certainly something to consider. Work with a best friend? Bring them along.
What Are You Passionate About? Maybe you’ve been stuck in a dead end job for far too long and don’t even know what you’re passionate about. Not a problem. Open up a word document and do some journaling. Ask yourself questions like: If money was not an option what would I love to do? What brings me joy? See where those questions take you, then work to make it happen.

Your Fears Are Keeping You Grounded

Why do we run? In short, it’s because we are afraid. Seth Godin likes to say it’s because of our Lizard Brain. Regardless, being afraid isn’t particularly helpful in reaching our goals and dreams.
Healthy Fears: Being afraid of snakes
Stupid Fears: Everything else.
I find it remarkable how much energy we waste on fearing situations and outcomes that don’t have a remote chance in actually happening. If you live in a constant state of fear it’s nearly impossible to lead a tribe or create a revolution.
It’s unrealistic to believe we can knock fear out completely, but we can certainly attack the bastard once he stands up.

Action Steps

Be Bold: When I attended Steve Pavlina’s Conscious Growth Workshop in January (think what you will), we did a variety of power exercises that helped us get out of our comfort zones. This included going up on stage to sing, or asking a person who was playing the slot machines what year it was. Pushing yourself doesn’t require much other than a bit of courage. Tell that Starbucks girl you think she’s beautiful. Say thank you to the professor that has changed the way you thought. Be bold.
If You Knew What You Couldn’t Fail: What actions would you take if you knew you could not fail? I realize this is an often cheesy question cited in several dozen personal development books, but it is a powerful thought exercise nonetheless. What would you do if you couldn’t fail? I can’t hear you.
Do What You’re Afraid of: Considering this post is littered with hundreds of painful cliches, I figure I’m on a roll so without further a do: Do what you’re afraid of. To over come any fears that hinder your success you must face them. If I would have let my fears get the best of me, you wouldn’t be reading this post right now.

You’re More Remarkable Than You Think

Ah! So the personal development blog is finally positive! Yes wise one, very nice of you to notice. (With that failed Yoda moment let us continue.)
I hate to burst your I-feel-sorry-for-my-self-bubble, a bubble we all live in from time to time, but you are more remarkable than you think.
Unfortunately, because of social conditioning and being thrown in a locker everyday of the 3rd grade, ( that never happened to you?) we often feel as if we offer nothing of value to the world. But that couldn’t but farther from the truth.
STOP THINKING THAT YOU’RE NOT REMARKABLE (CAPS mean I’m screaming.) I promise no matter who you are or where you’re from you having something to give to the world. Don’t believe me? Send me an email and I’d be happy to help you.
Here’s the truth: Being remarkable scares you. Knowing that you can create long lasting changing is hard to wrap your mind around. But the reality is we can do all those things and more. You are more remarkable than you think.
NO ACTIONS STEPS BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW TO BE REMARKABLE.

You Like To Be Unhappy

Feeling high off positivity after hearing you’re more remarkable than you think? Back to reality ;) You like to be unhappy.
It might be odd to hear that you like to be unhappy because that goes against common sense. All I want is to BE HAPPY you might say. Yet many of your actions aren’t congruent with that statement. Don’t worry I like being unhappy from time to time too.
Obviously, we don’t really want to be unhappy, yet many times our actions and thoughts don’t allow us to experience the state of flow we all want and desire.

Action Steps

Become More Mindful of Your Thoughts: Becoming mindful of your thoughts will quickly lead you into noticing various thought patterns you may have. Throughout the day notice the language you choose to use. Warning: you may be fairly surprised.
Notice How Much You Complain: Complaining is your way of saying to the world I want to be unhappy, yet so many of us do so on a regular basis. Simply becoming aware of how much you complain will really wake you up to how lucky you are. Try going an entire day without complaining.
Create A Gratitude Journal: To combat your tendency to complain try the opposite approach. When you feel the urge to complain about the guy who just cut you off, be thankful that you have a car to drive. I’m not talking about superficial gratitude but rather being sincere in all the blessings you have. I like to express my gratitude right before I go to sleep.

Your Habits Suck

We like to think we have everything figured out, that our daily routine is effective for everyone involved. But rarely is that the case.
It’s safe to say that if you’re not currently living the life you want your habits are to blame.
Again, since this post is about being honest, the last 6 months I’ve struggled with creating habits that will get me to where I want to be. Only recently have I realized (or stopped running) from the truth. I’m currently in the process of making great habits that I know will take me where I want to be.

Action Steps

Start a 30 day trial: The best way to change a bad habit is to start a 30 day trial supporting a new and improved one. I’ve done several of these with wonderful success. I’m certainly not the first person to suggest a 30 day trial but I can attest to how beneficial they have been for me.
Write Down Your Activities For The Day: Writing down everything you do for one day will really open your eyes to how little you actually accomplish. You don’t have to have every hour of your calendar filled to have a productive day, instead do work that really matters then you can sleep at night.
What Habits Do You Want? Take a moment and think about the habits you think would help you reach your goals. Start small and aim to implement these habits at a pace in which you can keep up. You may struggle in establishing a habit but it will be worth it in the end.

Stop Running

Whether you like to admit it or not, we all run from truths from time to time. Instead of running from a reality take a moment to consciously face your current situation.
Being honest with yourself is perhaps one of the greatest characteristics you can have, because only when you are honest with yourself can you begin to change.
No matter how strong you think you are, you can’t run forever. Facing reality may be difficult and you may struggle, but it is far better than turning your back from the truth. As Shakespeare once said “Cowards die a thousand deaths.”
I especially like the part about work. I knew it all along, and I have some rough plans to on starting my own projects - in fact, I have already started; but I didn't put a timeframe to it as the planning of it. I think at least the article has alerted me about putting a slightly more concrete plan.

the clueless

One of the reasons of me hating my job is (another babbling on work), having to work with everyone in department who is not industrial savvy but thinks they are.

This is especially true when I attend some industrial updates event with them. I can get the idea the speakers are trying to convey very fast, but not for the rest. They always ask 'stupid' questions (which make me really feel like rolling my eyes). Okay, I'll bear with that, because everyone has the right to know, although they could have taken some initiatives to get more industrial updates in their personal time, so that they don't appear that ignorant. But the worse part is that sometimes they ask for the sake of asking, just to make an appeal to the bosses, even though the questions are totally unrelated - a good sign that they are totally clueless. I myself feel so embarrassed in front of the speakers and audience for being with people who ask such questions.

They asked me why do I keep quiet and not asking questions during these meetings. So far I only smile as the response. But the real answer is that I can understand the topics well, there's no point for asking silly questions.

I take pride with the industrial knowledge I hold, and with my constant initiatives and perseverance on getting myself updated on the industry. But living with these people really sucks. I don't know how they got into their positions, because a part of the the role of my department is to drive the company with our industrial knowledge. But just because of a degree or work experience from 20 years ago don't justify the constantly changing industry.

I will and must leave this place someday. I am not going to waste my knowledge on this field (which is my interest) in this place where it cannot be utilized.

Hmph! My resignation shall let you rot in Paleolithic age!

crazy

I'm a bit crazy today.

I hop on the LRT, but was undecided on where to go. Then I reached a station where I can transit to KTM, and suddenly decided to go to my old place. So I got off and took KTM and then bus.

I'm now in LRT on my way back home. Took a taxi to LRT station just now.

Maybe next time I'll try to go somewhere by plane or bicycle just to lepak alone. =p

任性

今天不但不想寫英文了,而且還想寫繁體~

我就是任性

以前還小,任性可以當可愛
因為比同班同學小,所以大家都當我是小弟弟,都疼我、保護我
所以我任性的時候他們說我可愛

越老就越沒本錢任性了
現在只可以在這裡偶爾任性
平時如果都這樣,會嘔死人

還是小時候好

不過哪,過去的就是回不來了
懷念倒還好,嚮往就萬萬不行

人嘛,要往前走

雖然我現在工作方面,
還有作為同志的生活方面
都不是那麼順利
常常要面對不如意的事
沒事的時候都還會想起那些煩人的事


我還是活得跟蟑螂一樣
除了打不死之外,還有一股討人厭的繁殖能力
不是說我有蟑螂般的繁殖能力啦。。想歪的去看牆壁!
是說就算我被打敗了,可是我的精神永在



咦?發現我好像越來越有文學氣息了
果然多看點書是會變聰明的
相對的就減了幾分野猴子樣
變成文弱書生了

哈哈~

哪天早上如果你在輕鐵上看到一個文弱書生
啃書啃到一半就睡著了
說不定就是我哦
哈哈
不要隨便到處亂認人

好了
無聊話寫太多了
自爽完了
睡覺去
掰掰

何謂悲?

莫名的憂鬱,莫名的悲哀,莫名的無奈。

是空穴來風,還是無風不起浪?

Waste Minimisation

I realized I have put up a lot of trash onto this blog lately...

Time to rethink the appropriate things to post here. It's meaningless if I bore my readers and at the end no one really reads my blog when I need advice...

Care about the environment. Go green. Green with envy.

Dear sir

Make the step now! If they won't let you transfer, then quit and go
elsewhere. I know your current job tends to be more stable, but I think
mental stability is more important. ;-)

Dear sir,

While you are absolutely right about the importance of mental stability, it's easier to say than do. Where can I get enough funding to quit...

--roti



I think I'm really someone who lacks of patience. I don't like having to endure and wait for the time to come. In most things, I can do something else first as an alternative, or I skip the wait altogether and afterwards, fix the mess caused by skipping the wait. But in this case, I really don't see in what other ways I can go about it.

A friend commented on my brows. They never stop frowning for a second, even when I'm laughing.

刘力扬《寂寞光年》

Artist: “Jade” Liu Li Yang
Title: Lonely Lightyear (Ji Mo Guang Nian)

i don't like u

i don't like u =(

u spreaded lies and false rumours. just because u suspect me, doesn't mean u should spread lies to test me. =(

to some extent, i think i hate u! =(

have u thought of the consequences, of your way of proving? if i'm not, i might lose a good friend, and u might lose two. if i'm, i probably will still lose a friend and you still will probably lose two. what good will it bring u even ur suspicion is proven? does it even affect ur life?

tmd. knn. kns. ccb.

u selfish turds. as ur so-called 'friend', i find my greatest value to u is the entertainment value being in ur evil gossips and idle talking, and probably the 'face' that u gain when u r able to get the first hand info that no one else knows.

i will endure. and i will definitely plan to flee as far away from u as possible. and if i can gain back my guts before i leave, i will definitely fight back. wait and see. i'm no tom, dick or harry when i get mad. while i might not be able to escape from the hell u made me into, i definitely still have enough strength to bring u down together.

*cracking knuckles*

*more vulgar words*....

I mind, a little

Gathering with my ex-colleagues yesterday was a nice catchup, except when they mentioned a little about homosexuality. Apparently before I joined, there's another staff who is a lesbian. One of my bosses told me that they are very open - they don't mind if anyone of them is gay or lesbian, except for the other boss.

Today, colleagues in my dept was talking about another colleague (I'll name him Victim to ease the story-telling) who is outstation now. So Colleague I told Colleague II that Victim has a partner. All of us in the dept know that Victim is a bit sissy. And I have overheard Victim's phone conversation before, so I was 80% sure he's gay. Then when Colleague I and II went on discussing Victim's partner, apparently Colleague II didn't have any idea about Victim's partner (neither did I). So Colleague I said, 'Oh, you don't know that Victim's partner is a guy? Isn't he gay? His partner is of course a guy.' 'How did you know?' 'Oh, Colleague III told me about it. And Colleague III said this guy is married, to a girl. ...' and they went on.

Victim is close to Colleague III. Considering Victim isn't out to anyone else, he must be close to Colleague III. But Colleague III is definitely not a good friend from my point of view. Because he told another person about Victim's secret (maybe it is not so secretive but it's not so public either).

I totally lost my confidence in telling any of my friend about my sexuality, looking at how untrustworthy these 'friends' are, no matter how close they seems to be.

Anyway, I was listening to their conversation, and turned to them and smile a bit several times throughout the conversation, as a sign of courtesy that I'm listening, although I don't want to comment about it. At the end of the conversation, Colleague II turned to me and told me not to learn from Victim.

I know all of them didn't mean anything discrimination towards gays. And I do admit the way they put gays into jokes and idle talking is not right but many of us do that, even to disabled people, elder people etc, sometimes without realizing it. But I still mind a little.

meeting up old colleagues

Went for a dinner and catchup with my old colleagues. I worked with them for only 2 months. But I feel my service and my talent are so much more appreciated there. They are a bunch of casual, easygoing, straightforward guys that appreciate good talents. I feel I can achieve so much with them, unlike so little that I can accomplish with my current job.

My ex-boss bought us all dinner, one that is so much more expensive as compared to my normal meals. Contemporary western dishes. I skipped the appetizer, went straight to the soup and main course, and then skipped the dessert. Only two dishes with another glass of drink, the price for my portion of this meal is more or less enough for my normal 3-meals-a-day for 1 week. OMG I've never had such luxurious western food before. It tastes so good (probably partly due to the price =P).

My ex-boss also bought me a book. They know I have been having a tough time with my current job. They are sympathetic and they do feel the waste for my skills being much underutilized and not appreciated. So they bought a book about work for me, to motivate me. My colleagues left some meaningful words for me in the book. Indeed, upon reading their words, I'm touched. They are where I can still feel my value in this world, I can only feel I'm still a useful person when with them. I'm very touched.

Although I'm tired and sleepy, I still opened up my computer because I want to take this feeling down in this blog.

again

I'm at it again. I didn't have a proper lunch.

Malas lah. None of my housemates are around. No one is having lunch with me. Malas to walk to the nearest place with food. (no car)

While I'm a big eater, but once I skipped a proper meal, I can almost instantly see my waistline become smaller as my pants at the best fit will loosen slightly.

sigh. I need some discipline. But I have been like this since my uni days.

fake

ah I'm so fake. I thought I wouldn't go but eventually I went.

Anyway, I think 老天 wanted me to go. It was last night that I realized I needed to settle something in the office. Kebetulan the gathering is so near to my office. And since I was nearby already, it doesn't make sense not even to drop by and say hi, at least for courtesy.

I said hi and I shook their hands. But I don't feel as much animosity this time. Maybe they are good in hiding it and putting on fake smiles, or maybe they really don't hold any grudge against me anymore. I'll believe it's the latter (as usual, I'll look at the better side of humanity). Actually I don't feel I put on a fake smile - I think my smile was real.

Let unhappy things begone. =)

I learned another good step of my life. Fate has decided to let me learn.

thinning hair and emerging crow's feet

I have been using hair tonic thanks to my thinning hair.

I used up my last drop of hair tonic last night. So I went for a hunt for a new bottle today.

Been to Watson and Guardian. None sells the brand that I want.

=(

During the weekend, my sis told me to buy eye cream, because my crow's feet are worse than those of an old man.

=(

Sign of getting less young. =((

Gathering

A friend called up for a gathering, inviting all of my Chinese uni batch mates.

We were a really small group. There's only very few of us Chinese. But it doesn't break the norm of being divided into groups due to arguments.

Now the calling for the gathering is awkward. The organizer wasn't with us when all the breaking-apart's happened. He probably didn't know how awkward it would be for everyone to be together in one occasion.

I don't like this gathering. I don't even feel like going. I don't want to see the faces with fake smiles but are cursing one another on their minds. I don't want to see the faces of people who sabotaged me. I don't want to fake my smiles and pretend that I'm in good terms with them.

(Yes, I was sabotaged, too. Despite how I tried to be neutral and non-aligned I tried to be over the years, a group of trouble-makers seem to be so keen of sabotaging others, launched their sabotage on me with the most petty excuse of my slip of tongue during my final semester. It seems to me they just don't want anyone not in their group to be out of their sabotage.)

But at the same time, I don't want to appear I'm afraid of those who sabotaged me. I don't want to be seemed guilty due to my absence.

I haven't really decided to attend or not. Probably I'll talk to other who were sabotaged first.

someone who turned me gay is straight

An old friend wished me happy birthday in Fb. He's as cheerful as I know him before. After so long having no contact with him, his birthday wish triggered my memories.

The time when I started to realize my attraction to guys (despite denial of being gay) was when he first groped me in a class. I felt a little excited, except when he told other classmates that he was groping me, I felt a little uneasy. Even so, I realized that I actually enjoyed being groped by him.

Some time later, he tried to kiss me on my lips in school, openly, in front of our friends. I know I wanted to be kissed, but I don't want to appear I like it in front of my other friends. So I gently rejected but was still hoping that he forced his kiss on me. LOL. It never came true though.

After that incident, he never did anything on me anymore.

But I strongly believe that his actions 'activated' my gay sense, triggered the rest of my story thereafter.

Over these years, I have heard stories of him with other girls. I believe someone like him most probably won't have any problems getting a girlfriend, even shortly after breaking up with another.

I checked his Fb profile, hoping for something different. He's single now, but he's interested in women.

Ironically, a straight turned me into gay.

今天我最大



一年一度的清明节又来了。意味着我又老了一岁了。不管,我才不要认老咧。才22岁~

不知道为什么今天不想用英文写,可能是刚才读了中文的blog的关系

今年我去血拼,给自己买了好多东西。我配了一副新眼镜(虽然旧的还好好的,但是就嫌它不够漂亮,害我都不敢戴),买了一件衬衫、一件背心、两条沙滩裤,还有一条牛仔裤。(忘记了,还有理了一个小庞克头。原本还想染个小深红发,但是碍于发量已经不多了,不敢再刺激落发,所以作罢)

平时都不怎么买东西,一买就买这么多,荷包大出血。。不过一年难得一次,偶尔也要宠宠自己,找一些物质享受丫!好啦,说得过去,荷包不会怪我的 XD

生日喜欢自己一个人过。自己买东西奖励自己一年来都很乖~

不希望朋友花钱为我庆祝,甚至连生日快乐都不用讲。很奇怪吧?

其实有原因的,因为之前曾经有朋友为我大肆庆祝生日,隔年却竟然没有几个人记得我生日,反差太大,有点难过。所以我宁愿一直都没有人记得我生日,也不要对生日有期待

很爱面子吧?

我就是躲在黑暗角落的一个黑影~哈

这些年已经学会怎么快乐的自己过生日了。所以还是可以很开心的

X bites X, Y eats Y.

(work rants)

I wanted to put the title as 'Dog bites dog. Black eats black.' But it sounds racist. But the black here doesn't mean the black people. It's actually literally translated common Chinese saying.

I saw it happened this afternoon.

One of the things that I hate in corporate world is that people use their power and influence to make you do things in their ways. I have seen that a lot in my dept head, and this is the feature that I despise and disrespect him the most. You may say I'm naive, but I believe the best leaders are those who use their virtues to make others submit to them (Chinese: 以德服人).

Anyway, what happened today is that, my dept head was done that same thing he has done on many others. Looking at how it happened actually thrills me a little (although I was scolded by someone on an instruction from my dept head). I think that's his retribution for doing the same.

I'm not going to disclose the details - it won't be interesting anyway. But I really like the fact that my dept head has got the same treatment he has given to others. Muahaha~ (Okay, I don't dare to laugh like that in front of him)

In any case, I still look forward for the day that I can leave this hell. I'll consider today as a motivation to fight for my exit.

Whatever you do, you can lie others, you can lie yourself, but you can't lie the heaven. You're always watched, so make fair judgment, and do whatever that is right. =)

living habits

(life rants)
Imagine you woke up with your eyes still sleepy. You literally dragged yourself to the toilet to do business. And you step on a puddle of water on the toilet floor. At first you didn't feel anything wrong, but suddenly you realized that the puddle of water didn't look like water. You had another look at it, it looked a little yellowish. You were shocked. You couldn't believe what you had stepped on, and you stupidly wiped your feet with your index finger and slowly put it near your nose just to confirm it, and it was confirmed. You had just stepped on a puddle of pee.

How's that? It happened to me this morning. Eww!

I know one of my housemates is not so hygienic. He never picked up a broom to clean his room, not to mention the whole house. That doesn't matter anymore since the room is his, and our housemates do take care of the cleaniness of the house. He drops hair a lot, and the strings of hair curl on the bathroom and toilet floor and sludge sticks on the hair in a matter of several days right after the last cleaning. That's not that okay, but I know not everyone is willing to clean the bathroom and toilet and no one can control his hair drop. But wtf, peeing on the floor?! You might as well live in a kennel! Holyshit!

I know you might not have completely waken up when you peed and wasn't able to aim properly. But after you've done, at least wash it away with water, from the most convenient rubber tube beside. What is so hard about it?? My goodness!

I can literally count so many of his bad living habits that I have never seen in a single person before for my entire life! He doesn't turn off the fan and/or lights when he's not using it, sometimes he even leaves the fan on the whole day while he's working. He lets the tap water flow at its fastest speed while taking his own sweet time shaving. He doesn't lock the house door after coming in. ...and so on. Anyway, all of those does not piss me off as much as his piss on the floor!

My goodness, I'm living with someone who is more unhygienic than my dog.

of saving 'face' for company

I really think this job doesn't suit me.

(ok it's about my job again.)

My job deals with vendors. Many times vendors cannot deliver as promised. My job includes to 'push' them to deliver as soon as possible.

Like usual, I did it again today, 'pushing' a vendor.

And it seems like there's my company's email server broke down. Incoming external email cannot reach me. I tried to call the account manager but couldn't reach him. I left a message in the voicemail asking him to call me back but I didn't receive any call.

So I thought the vendor has not delivered as promised, and was trying to avoid me. After seeking advice from a senior colleague, he encouraged me to write to the account manager's superior to complain on the under-delivery.

So I wrote the email.

In the afternoon, I still get no response, not even from the account manager's superior. Before the day ends, I finally reached the account manager, by SMS. He said that he has replied all my emails, and that he has delivered the promised documents to my user. Later I found out that my company's email server is not running well, and the documents I had been chasing for was already with the user.

I was caught in an awkward position. I know how it feels being wronged by others. I feel sorry for him. I can completely understand he didn't want to reply my call because I wrongly complained on him.

I wanted to apologise for the mistake, but someone said there's no need for that. As the client and a bigger company, we shouldn't apologise to vendors on this kind of petty matters - that will make them being arrogant towards our company and our company will lose its 'face' to the vendors.

So should I just keep quiet and do not reply anything to let it be? I as the worker of the company shouldn't. Stop replying means I admit my mistake and company will lose 'face'. I had to squeeze some mistakes at the account manager's part to make him guilty.

So I replied him, blaming that he should call me back since he received my message in his voicemail. And I had to make it wordy to make it sound strong.

This is the worst day of my humanity this far. I believe there will be worse to come.

long week

this week is so long... I felt like I have done so many things in work already yet it is still middle of week.


=(

going to sleep now. otherwise tomorrow will be another tiring day. =(

care-fool

please be more careful, omgoodness...

another careless mistake you're exposed, dear.

fuhhh

Spent the day doing cleaning. Initially only wanted to clean my room. But beh tahan with how dirty the house is, so cleaned the house as well. Then wanted to go for bath, found out the bathroom is dirty as well, so cleaned it up. Then wanted to use the toilet, but the toilet is so dirty. So at the end, cleaned up the toilet as well. Then finally going to bath but realized my clothes need to be washed as well.. so washed the clothes edi... finally taking bath... sigh. so tired.

the house is full of hair. the bathroom and toilet are worse - full of hair with sludge. none of my housemates clean those up.. all princes and princesses who don't dare to touch dirty stuffs.. wtf. if u don't dare to touch dirty stuffs then how do u bath? for sure ur body has got sludge as well. those who drop hair the most don't even sweep the floor... the rest just go out for the whole weekend to avoid household chores..

hmph! there're still so many unpleasant things even not working.. i just wish i could leave as soon as possible, leave the job and eventually this place.. *runaway mode* find a place more gay friendly, find a place people are more understanding and no pressure being gay. find housemates who give basic respect to gays as much as to any normal person...

i think i m getting more 愤世嫉俗... (lit. angry with the world and resentful to the culture) =[

forgotten

I think I have forgotten how to be happy.

I have not felt happy for such a long time. The last time was before my graduation when I had a crazy hang out with my uni mates. We did lots of crazy things that day. I laughed a lot that day. Laughed because it was really funny. Laughed because I was really happy. I spoke like me. I laughed like me. I did crazy stuffs like me. I felt I was me again after so long.

I tried to do the same during recent hang out, but it feels so different. It felt like I was forcing myself to be happy. My laughter wasn't that natural. It didn't feel that happy has the one before.

I have lost the feeling to be happy for so long again.

转:男歡男愛、女歡女愛 ,不是我們自願選擇的!

http://lby1985.blogspot.com/2010/03/blog-post_23.html


如果你問一名同志,問他(她)為何之所以會變成為同志?我想,這個問題勢必是無法述說的!是沒有答案的!

研究報告證實,一個人到底同志不同志,乃在於還沒出世前就註定好的,那全是XY基因染色體在結合方面出現了異變。
嚴格來講,(這是最新的醫學研究指示。)真正要追究就得說起生他(她)們的母親,是她們在即要臨盆前的那幾週或幾個月,因為分泌不尋常的女性荷爾蒙所導致新生命有著〝高〞機率的同志傾向。
當然囉!也有人是因為後天的環境及因素,而轉性成為同志,但那是極為少數的。

根據台灣同志人口初步估計,同志佔全台灣人口的十分之一,相當於2300000人,甚至更多!
深信每個人都曾被灌輸過這一套〝男大當娶,女大當嫁〞的傳統刻板觀念,我也不例外。印象中,在我還沒讀國小時,母親常對我說:「你長大結婚後,還愛不愛媽媽。」青春期開始,親戚們則會陸陸續續的問起我:「你有沒有交女朋友呀。」之類的話題。他們的詢問,總是帶給我一絲敏感!結婚生子對我來說,絕對會是比脫褲子放屁還要來得不實際。
記得小時候,經常跟隨著父親去超商購物,總是會有那麼幾次的,父親會去購買他的內褲 ,那是我最高興的時段,每一次在他(父親)挑選的同時,我都會很專注的看著內褲包裝上的男模,看著模特兒的身材和那一包,且是看得興高采烈又欲罷不能。那時我還不知我的行為已經是異於常人,也沒想那麼多…。
直到我上了國中,我終於知道真相!那個時候,我是極力的在排斥那另一個我,對女生還抱有著一絲感覺。
就在國二時,我頭一次感受到戀愛的氣息,對象是位女生,就那麼1次的告白, 我被對方拒絕了。 內心非常痛苦,體會到極大的挫敗感! 因此之後,我就對女生充滿了排斥感;再也沒有任何感覺(情)了 。
有的,也僅有欣賞女性那純純的體態美感,我的欣賞是不帶有任何的性及慾望 。
就這樣,我註定要當一輩子的faggotry(男同志)。
我的猜測,或許最初的我是個雙性戀者,但最終還是讓同性的一方戰勝了異性的一方。
終於在我14歲那一年起,我開始背負著說謊及偽裝的〝職責〞生存下去。
至今已有十幾個年頭之久…。

李安是我非常喜歡的台灣導演,就在我大學時期,一部電影作品轟動了國際影壇。是的!那就是 斷背山 。
當年在DVD發行的首日,我就立即的跑去購買。
對我來說,這是一大挑戰!不論是對於買方的我或賣方的店家,雙方都有幾分尷尬。那是我有生以來第一次做出類似〝出櫃〞的舉動,雖然那是個如此渺小的行動。
更是讓我有挑戰性的是接下來的〝闔家觀賞〞時間。
在此說明一下。我的家族是個極為反對、討厭同志群族的〝反同志者〞,對他們來說,同志(當然也包含著雙性戀者及跨性別者)是個極為噁心、變態及唾棄的東西!在這樣環境下長大的我,哪有那個膽量向父母坦白我的性向。
果不出我所料,他們是一邊觀看並同時侮辱批評著的把〝斷〞片看完。
父親更是言重。當時他說出一句話,那句話讓我印象深刻,深刻到有所憤怒!
他說:「社會上怎麼會有那麼骯髒的〝生物〞,有女人不要偏偏要去找男人插屁眼……。」他以台語說出他內心的作噁感。父親不把同志當人看待,而是歸類為生物,既是低等的生畜。
你說!有哪位同志聽到此話會不生氣的。

如今的我已經二十多歲,沒有任何戀愛經驗。母親卻已經開始關心起,一不二時便會問起我,有關愛情方面的事情。我知道她只是隨口說說,其實我可以感受得到,她的內心是期待著我那麼一天的來到。(帶著女朋友回家的那天。)
真是該死!我為什麼就得面臨到這種不必要的婚姻壓力。我心想再六年左右,這壓力不將再是那麼的單純,我一定會死在相親的環境下,該怎麼對父母表明我的性向呢?這是一門考驗。
但我還是做出了行動!前陣子我出外,短居了1年的期間。
某一天的我心情遭透了…。
我借酒壯膽似的,那是個臨時起意,我拿起手機,撥打起家中的電話,是母親接聽的,無言了一回兒,我在猶豫。
或許是因為我見不到對方吧!?
開口並不如想像中的困難,我深吸一口氣並開口言語,終於我是大辣辣的說出我的性向。母親嚇壞了!她不知要向我說些什麼?肯定的,她是無法接受我的出櫃。
她換手將電話轉遞給父親。
父親比母親更加難以溝通,堅持認為這只是我暫時的性別錯亂,我一再否認他們的說法,夫妻倆不想再多說…,是絕對理性化的中止這通來電。
終究是有返家的一天,見面的第一眼,父母則是刻意到什麼都不說,彷如出櫃一事從未發生過,直到如今也是如此。
究竟出櫃或不出櫃,決定權都在自己!而我選擇了出櫃,那只是一種自我解放的表現手法。
但我還是希望,他們夫妻倆能夠正視的與我溝通。

我經常對著那些接納我的性向的朋友說:「我很幸運,有著你們這些朋友,讓我的生活不再是那麼狹小。」
記得,有那麼一位朋友,在我們還沒認識之前,她主動的還找我聊天,他問我是不是同性戀?她的眼神帶有一絲的期待,同時也摻雜了少許的罪惡。想必,她的內心一定是這麼盤問自己「我是不是問了不該問的事情?」
我毫不猶豫的對她坦承她想知道的答案。
這是我的觀察及認為,當一個管他們是男或女,會主動地想要瞭解你的性向時,那個人絕對是友善而真誠的,怎麼說!?

1. 有一個人會主動的跟你(妳)聊有關〝同志〞性向的問題,那就表示,此人是個能接納或支持同志的人。

2. 或許該人也有著同志方面的性向和質疑,再者就是他(她)的周圍也有著同志的朋友或家屬。

3. 如果該人是反同志者,那他(她)絕對不會主動來問「你(妳)是同性戀嗎?」此行為是多此一舉的!真要作出行動也一定是說出一些侮辱同志的術語「死同性戀!死玻璃!娘娘腔!死變態!……等。」,不然就是不表示意見的靜靜閉口不說。

透露中表示,她懷疑她的老弟也有著同志的傾向,她無法判斷是否要跟她弟弟講這件事?
天呀…萬萬不能!
我向她說:「不行!妳絕對不能跟她討論這件事,這會壞了你們姊弟間的有情,更會受創了妳弟的心靈層面,使他感到有所罪惡。」
「什麼都別說。」
我說:「等到他接納自己、認同自己。他覺得時機對了,自然會有所行動。」
「如果一輩子都無能放鬆內心的那個死結,那也就算了!」

同志所要的不是同情,也不是虛偽的包容。我們要的很簡單,就是大家能夠開懷擁抱的認同及認識我們,在社會上所受到的待遇是平等的,是有一席之地的。
我們同志不偷也不搶,性侵害、性騷擾案件也比正常人少之又少,幾乎沒有。愛滋病人口數據,也比一般人來得要少。為何像我們這樣的優良公民,就得遭受到如此的對待及歧視,就因為掛著〝同志〞兩個字。這太不公平了!
我並非在炫燿同志有多麼的…你知道的,我只是實話實說罷了。

同性戀……。
如此簡單又獨特的字言。
我聽很多人說,同性戀就是會感染愛滋病!(誰說的!難道異性戀的就不會,假神聖。) 同性戀就是有罪!他們違背了自然的法則。(何謂法則?傳宗接代嗎?得了吧…,全世界能〝傳宗接代〞的人不差我們這些同志。) 同性戀就僅會造就社會的問題!(吃屎把!別把少數的案例,當作全世界的同志都是如此。) 同性戀注定著一辈子孤單到死去的那天。(這干你屁事。)

〝同性戀〞簡單的說,就是在性選擇方面,所想要寄託的另一伴會是個跟我一樣有一條陰莖的男人;跟她人一樣有著一對美而艇的胸部的女人,就是那麼單純再不過了。
同性戀依然要在職場上工作,一樣必須經歷生老病死的人生階段。吃同樣的食物,吸同樣的空氣,接收同樣的文明資訊……。
論他(她)是同性戀或是異性戀,每個人都有權利去選擇所愛的人,不該再受傳統的觀念所遷拌,而讓它成為不必要的絆腳石。
期許有朝一日,台灣的同志團體不再是個走暗路的低調族群。
就像六色彩紅旗一樣,能夠活出彩虹色般的人生。

身為同志,我身感驕傲。
全世界的同志們,加油!!

exposed?

I'm having a bad feeling. I think my housemates might have already known that I'm gay.

My housemates and I have always been making fun of each other, but these few days they have been making fun of me with gay topics. The words they use on me sound like they know something.

I think I'm in trouble. What should I do? I'm not ready for this yet. *worried*

senior

Weekend is finally here~!

I feel a bit of relieved for being able to take a little rest... but it's always too short =(

My senior ajak me to hang out tomorrow! Looking forward! This senior is really nice to me. He told me that he's worried that I will be bullied at work. Haha. Maybe he immediately thought that it doesn't sound right saying it that way - maybe he immediately regretted for saying so. Maybe it sounds stupid but I was really happy to hear it.

I have always wanted to be protected and be worried about. Maybe because my family has always put the least worry on me, as I have always been acting as if I have nothing for them to worry about. Stupidly contradicting.

Senior is someone that I have always looked up upon. We were in the same high school. He was three years more senior than me. But he was very famous in school. He was a high achiever in academics, and also a state level (if I remember correctly) athlete. He has won so many prizes and fame for the school and himself. I was a young little unknown junior to him and has always been looking up upon him. I wanted to be as famous and as great as him. He's like a role model to me, someone whom I wanted to be (anyway, I'm in no way close enough to his level).

I remember the first time I met him in company, I couldn't believe that I'm now working in the same company as him. My friend was introducing him to me, but before my friend told me his name, I already said it out. It almost feels like your idol is now your colleague, which is so unbelievably surprising and exciting. Senior and my friend were both surprised to hear me saying out the name.

He has told me that he wants to drag me out for long, because I stay at home too much. I know well that as much as I don't like crowded places, I won't mind to go out with him, because it feels good to have someone to care for me and I want to continue to be cared about.

Anyhow, senior has a gf. He's not gay. But I feel happy enough for having a big brother like him.

Crazy me.

WTFFFF

I'm sorry, this is another work-related post.

WTF!!!!

FYI, I just joined my current company few months ago. My probation period was supposed to end in February, after I have submitted my log of assignments and approved by my uppers. I was forced into my current job, when I have not much interest in what I'm doing (instead, I have more interest in what I WAS doing before I get this job).

This few weeks have been hectic. Another colleague (slightly more senior than me) is away for a business trip. I had to do what was supposed to be done by two persons, which results in me neglecting my assignments log which was supposed to due last week.

I have to admit I'm bad in multitasking and time-management and prioritizing tasks and anything along the lines. This morning I finally submitted my assignment log to let my direct supervisor see. He doesn't seem to care much about it, as he didn't glance a bit on it. And I have no time to care about him checking my log or not, as I have other administrative work prior to my business trip tomorrow that is urgent and no one would do it if not me.

After my bosses have left the office. I finally settled down with my work, and realized that I haven't reminded my direct boss on my log.

So, I decided to send an SMS to my direct boss. That's where it starts all the WTFs.

My second level boss got to know about the news that I'm not confirmed until now. He sent an SMS to me blaming and questioning me why am I late in my confirmation, telling me that no one would be able to help if I don't take care of my own career, and that I should complete my log quickly and cancel my business trip if necessary.

Obviously he didn't know the whole story, except the part that I haven't submitted my approved log to HR.

WTF! I have completed my log and submitted for my direct boss's verification this morning. I felt the need to explain myself on this. So I replied on it, and nothing else on his questioning.

He replied why now, and said that he doesn't want to hear excuses. He also told me to make sure HR get it on time, and that I'm old enough to know what's important and what's urgent.

WTFF!! I was only explaining the part that he misunderstood, and I did not make excuses for the part that I'm in fault. Not to mention about the part where my direct boss is in fault - he has been chit-chatting and doing non-work related stuffs so much for today but which part of the log has he read? WTFFF!!! And how dare he complains to the big boss that I do not care about my career etc. when he saw I have not rested for a minute for the past 2 weeks?! WTFFFF!!!!

WTFFFFF!!!!! And I'm indeed very confused with what's important and what's urgent because:
- my direct boss told me I should complete the log at my own time because it is for my personal benefit.
- my direct boss told me to do something urgent, but when I completed it and let him see, he decided to leave it for tomorrow.
- my direct boss and big boss have been pushing me into completing the prior work for the coming business trip this morning itself. Little do I know my personal assignment log would be more important than this fixed and set trip.

WTFFFFFF!!!!!!

AND, I didn't choose the job on my own will, and I have clearly stated to them during the interview that I'm interested in technical job, i.e. not the current job, and that my expertise has always been on the other side, but they insist of taking me in! Of course I would care less about this job than anyone else! What else do you expect when you force me to join you?! WTFFFFFFF!!!!!!! I thought they should be grateful enough when someone who is not interested in this job at all still work with responsibility and volunteer working extra hours when everyone is trying to escape! WTFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!! My extra hours spent has been taken for granted and not appreciated and when I don't work the extra hours due to that, my direct boss told the big boss that I don't prioritize my work. WTFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

I hate all of you. I wish I don't have to face you fake people! I wish not to hear your time consuming lectures when what is more important is to fix the wrongdoings in time. WTFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!! I don't know how all of you cunning and untruthful creatures think and am not interested in thinking your ways.




I'm clearly bursting all the non-related things altogether because I'm indeed very furious now for being scolded unreasonably.

You can scold me on me being late in my submission, but not scolding me for giving excuse when I was not, and not scolding me for not caring about this job when I took care to complete the log, and not scolding me for not knowing what's important and what's urgent when you're the ones who confuse me this morning itself.

I wish I do not need to face you to hear your lectures! But I'm very very sure I'm going to have to hear it the day after tomorrow when I see them again. WTFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

some rantings on work

Well. Today I'm not going to talk about my gay life and thoughts. Instead, I would like to talk about my work.

My work is no good. Maybe I do not have enough experience in workplaces to know what is a good job. Or maybe I'm just too ambitious and idealistic.

To many, my work is good. The pay is slightly more than average (although lowest in the industry). I get to travel from time to time. Currently I get to travel domestically, and most probably will get the chance to travel overseas in a few years. The benefits provided by the company is good, although in exchange I have to comply to some of the seemingly ridiculous codes of conducts.

I want to work in technical field of my background, but ended up in a management work due to hardly avoidable circumstances. Doing management work means I have to deal with budgeting for the department, collecting training plans, keeping track of and giving out stationaries, sending documents to other departments, booking flight tickets and hotels for business trips etc. On the other hand, if I were to be in a technical job, I only need to have the know-hows on the technical side, and the most non-technical thing that I would have to do is only my claims and allowance. It really makes a difference to me when I'm so passionate with my technical skills and knowledge but I'm forced to work on a largely non-related job and not able to resign for a long time. I'm totally not good in doing management work as I've realized long ago since my uni days. I don't do well in managing clubs and events - to certain extends, I don't even manage myself well. God knows why the hell my employer insists on taking someone who is not good in managing to do management work.

The pay I get now is higher than working in my technical field. But it doesn't make sense to me to earn more money in exchange of doing what I don't want to do. I would rather get a lower pay doing something slightly more of my interest where I'm more skillful and confident in.

It is so sad for a 21-y.o. young chap like me to graduate so early. I feel like I haven't enjoyed my teen life enough before my working life. I know well of the good old Chinese saying "吃得苦中苦,方为人上人", which means a person who can endure the most suffering sufferings will become the best person among the people. But I think I'm more of a hedonist and I'm not that ambitious to be the best person. ;P

Okay, enough ranting. Tomorrow is another working day. =S