I wanted to end the year with a happy post but I guess I just can't. My life and I are just too negative.

Ever since I was young, I've not been telling my problems to my family. My family has never been peaceful, I just don't want to bring more worries to the family.

I thought I was strong, to be able to keep things in myself and endure them.

But as I grow older, problems I face are getting more difficult. And as they accumulate, I started to realise that there will be a day that I won't be able to keep them all in myself anymore.

Posting on Facebook or Twitter is not the way to go. I don't want to catch the attention of people who know me. I just want to stay low profile. I don't want to sound like a whining boy to them.

So I started blogging. As much as I whine here, at least I'm somewhat anonymous. At least no one really knows me here.

But as I blog, I'm starting to care about what I write here. I don't want to write to myself here. I want to write something that somebody actually cares to read. So I started to think twice whenever I have a problem that I want to blog about. I try my best not to sound like an overly negative person. Sometimes I delete the whole post after finished composing it, just because I realise it is too negative and I'm afraid to lose more readers.

And so I tell myself to be strong, and keep the things inside myself again.

But I'm really tired. Tired of being strong. Or rather faking to be strong.

I'm actually not strong at all. I'm weak. Hopelessly weak.

I heard crying is actually a good way to letting it out and I tried secretly. But no, it doesn't work for me. I feel the sourness in my nasal cavity but tears just won't come out. It feels as if my body won't let me to be weak at all. I cry for others easily but I just can't cry for myself.

I know self-pity brings me nowhere and I should overcome it but I'm really not that strong.

Sometimes I wish 2012 would really be the end of the world.

I was playing some Christmas songs on YouTube and stumbled upon a song of a boy band that I was a fan of when I was in secondary school.

The music video and the dance are awkward and clueless but it's from about 11 years ago. (Wow. I've really become old.)

The name of the duo is called WeWe. The guy with long hair is Li Wei and the one in short hair is Lin Youwei. I was particularly a fan of Lin Youwei.

Super nostalgic. To think that someone as boring as me was once a fan of a celebrity. Anyway, I knew for a boy to be a fan of a boy band obviously marketed for girls isn't something usual. So I did not show too much fanship to them, but I secretly collected issues of entertainment magazines (that I don't normally buy nor read) with them as the cover.

Their singing wasn't impressive, neither was their dancing or any other talents in entertainment business. LOL I had to admit that I was only attracted by that pretty face of Lin Youwei.

I've put up some photos of them that I found from the Internet after the jump.

Read more »

摸不到的颜色是否叫彩虹？
看不到的拥抱是否叫做微风？
一个人想着一个人是否就叫寂寞？

命运偷走如果，只留下结果
时间偷走初衷，只留下了苦衷
你来过，然后你走后，只留下星空

寂寞可以是忍受，也可以是享受
享受仅有的拥有

So the year is coming to the end and it's time for new-year resolution and year-end reflection and whatnots.

I never really practised this year-end reflection and new-year resolution thing because I thought as someone who always has an ambition in mind and has always been working hard towards it, those things don't really matter - you know where you are heading for and always keep track of what you have been doing from time to time.

But I think I'm going to do some reflection this year. Because I'm lost. Like really unsure of myself. And I have made too much mistakes throughout the year.

• I ended my job in corporate December last year. Right after that in January 2011, I joined a small company, working in the field I'm interested in, thinking that will be great for me.
• Part of my plan to work with this small company is to relocate myself to my hometown. So I moved back in March. Working from home, with long-missed home-cooked meals. Even the air feels fresher. Another reason to leave is to run away from various problems that I did not want to face, one of them being a relationship that I could never get. Told myself not to get into love again to avoid getting hurt.
• And when everything sounds great when I told my friends about my working condition, I'm starting to realise something I should have noticed earlier, something that deep inside myself is unhappy about this job. But I decided to look at the positive side - thinking that it's something that I have to endure to achieve success. So they are effectively swept under the carpet.
• Job motivation and self-discipline problem happens every few weeks. I can't get myself to perform well in job and I'm simply too lazy to get myself to work.
• Couldn't hold myself from looking forward for love again. Got on Grindr. Got to know some guys. Did something really stupid. Lost something precious. Learned a hard lesson.
• Then stupidly thought I found love but didn't know it was due to desperation. Got in a relationship within less than a week. Suddenly realised I've never really loved him. Broke up in less than two months.
• Then more work motivation problem. Realised work and life had become a total mess due to the absurd two-month relationship. More fixing up again.
• Family argument. Got hit by flying arrows out of blue. That became the catalyst of rethinking about my work and being at home.
• Decided to quit the job. Although I'm unsure of what I should do, this job does not suit me. Resignation will take effect end of January 2012. My plan is to take a few months break to think over what I should do.

This is probably my worst year in my whole life so far. I've made a lot of mistakes this year. Landing on this job is one. Moving back home to run away from problems is another. But for someone who doesn't have true friends around like me, I guess it's natural to want to run back to family when bad things happen. Still, mistakes made over the years (e.g. not making enough friends) led to many other mistakes. But then again, being an introvert person, it's not easy to make myself to mix around with people. So I guess another mistake I made over the years is not overcoming my introvert nature.

While there are a lot of slightly regretful things happened this year, at least I still learned some lessons. The hard way.

Looking forward, I should mix around more with people, befriend with some good people. Think more deeply before making decisions, make sure they are wise and not by gut feeling.

And no doubt of it, KL definitely has more opportunities than a small town like my hometown, be it job opportunities or opportunities to meet great people.

陳奕迅 - 多少

作詞/作曲：蔡健雅
編曲：李守信/金木義則/梁介洋/黃冠豪/石博元
製作：林暐哲

我用盡所有方式　找個人給我安慰
渡過寂寞的黑夜
我問守護的天使　也許她能夠體會
這無助讓我好累
走到無路可退　我還能相信誰

＃用多少天　用多少年的跌跌撞撞才找到終點
　用多少傷痛的心愛才不離開身邊
　用多少謊言去掩飾彼此的不完美
　要用多少個世紀讓我看透一切＃

我坐在這個城市熟悉用陌生的臉
有誰能給我安慰
原本守護的天使也許他能夠體會
這無助讓我好累
走到無路可退　我還能相信誰

REPEAT＃

我沒有任何防備
沒方向到處地追
沒翅膀卻好想飛
我努力順風跟隨
黑或白找不到個絕對 全都是灰

REPEAT＃

要用多少個世紀讓我看透一切

No facepic no reply

Have a facepic before you say hi

Headlines/descriptions like these are commonly found in Grindr profiles.

I can totally understand nobody wants to befriend (or have sex) with anyone with a look they don't like, but I'm still not putting up my face pic. At first, it was merely because I don't want anyone in this small Town to be able to identify me as gay when I go out to shop for groceries. But recently I have come to realize that it doesn't really matter to me anymore.

Yet there's still another reason I don't put on a face pic. It's because I'm not entirely confident with how I look. While I don't consider myself to be bad looking, I'm just terribly un-photogenic. I never get along well with camera - for whatever reason! So I don't really have a decent photo to be my profile pic.

Well maybe when I'm finally more confident with my look in photos, then I will be putting my facepic. =)

I really need some peace.

Neverending family affairs. My family has never been in peace ever since I was young. Until today I'm still not sure what is the root of the problem but I think every member in the family is responsible for it.

There was a time I thought my family is finally in harmony but it turns out not. Apparently everything was swept under the carpet and had turned into landmines, awaiting to be triggered.

Recently, something triggered the mines right there. Being part of the family, I inevitably got dragged into this. They claimed that I am one of the causes of the fight, something on me that's really petty and hardly related to what the fight is about.

Every time there's a fight in the family, I've always been stuck in the middle. It's never an easy job to please both parties and have them come into a peace treaty. I'm not a powerful member in the family to have both parties listen to me. Even though I have been trying, they never really listened.

I thought of pretending nothing happens and stay outside of it. But there was always a part of me thinking that being a member of the family, I have the responsibility to make sure it's harmonious. So I always try to resolve the conflicts in some ways, even though I know they never really listened to me.

But now I'm really tired of this. I really think I should wash my hands of this. Since the ladies think I am also one of the reasons for the fight this time, I should really stay far away from both parties to avoid being one of the reasons for their next fight. It's also better for me because I can finally stay out of the fight.

So here I'm now planning for another move. Other factors such as job and realizing the need of some freedom also further validate the move.

I think the reason I got tired of being in love so quickly is probably because I'm a loner. I enjoy spending time on my own more than I thought.

When we were having the relationship, I find myself losing a lot of time that I used to have for myself, and I missed those time I spent on my own. He really 'stuck' to me too much and I had to pay a lot of attention to him instead of myself and my work.

Right after the sweetest period, I realized that my life has already become a total mess. Other than having a lover, there's nothing else in my life that is properly in place.

I realized that other than love, I have lost everything else.

I think I love myself more than I love him. I still want to get some orders back to my life. If I can't cope with both, that probably means I'm not ready to be in love. If I can't have my cake and eat it, then I'll just choose whichever that brings greater good for myself. Utilitarian style, although it's only within myself.

I don't know what's in me that keeps him so attached to me. He just sent a few messages to me via Whatsapp. The contents are touching. He said he will wait for me for even ten years. I did not reply. I don't mean to doubt his sincerity but things are just too vulnerable to change. I thought I would love him for the rest of my life but it turns out I love myself more and I have to leave him. I never thought I would be the one who ditches another but I am now. Things are always not the same as we thought.

The past week has been pleasant for me. By ignoring and not replying to his occasional calls and messages, I was able to get back to the life I used to live. Everything feels more in order again. And I feel that I can pursue my ambitions again.

I might no longer be able to enjoy the pleasure of having someone to hug, but I gain back the simple happiness for being alone quietly.

I'm happier living this way. At least that's what I think for now.

I don't know what is happening to me. It's only been 1.5 month and I'm already feeling tired of being in love. I feel I'm such a jerk.

I had never fallen in love until I met him. We fell for each other so quickly that I find it incredible.

Ever since I'm in love with him I find it super hard to manage my time well for my work and my own life, at the same time taking care of his feeling and spending time to have lovers' talk with him.

It was all sweet and full of happiness. But now when the sweetness is gone for me, all that's left is just a mess in my life.

Dear sticks to me too much. He needs me to repeatedly saying 'I love you', 'I miss you' in both English and Mandarin, and both in Whatsapp and voice call so many times a day. Now that the sweetest period is over for me, I feel that all these words are becoming chores for me, especially when I'm busy with other things. And when he manja to me for these words, I say them while rolling my eyes (I know I'm totally a jerk).

It's not that I don't love him - I think I still do. But I guess I love myself more. I'm a loner that enjoys being spending time on his own (Probably I have learned how to enjoy and get used to being alone over all these years). I have many things I would like to achieve for myself in my life. This love has become a burden for me.

I feel like stopping this love.

I'm a jerk. I know. But how do I break it to him?

I've been busy both in love and work. It is only when Dear and I are officially together that I realize being in love can be hard to, in terms of time management - as in there are too many things that I need to do. Like everyone else, I have to work to earn my living; I have things that I want to achieve in my life; and now the latest addition being I want to be in love with Dear. Time never seems to be enough. So far I could only do one of them well at one time and I'm still trying to increase my capacity.

It feels like a miracle to me to have someone that loves me that much and is willing to tolerate my temper, impatience and principles that may be unreasonable for some people. Dear, however, is much more simpler than me. He is contented and happy enough if I can say I love him (considering I'm not verbally expressive on love matters). And if I don't reply to his messages quick enough, he gets really really sad.

I don't like him being too emotional like that. But looking from a different perspective, that shows he cares about me a lot. I'm starting to feel Dear being too emotionally attached to me like this, is bringing problems to me. We've had arguments on issues directly or indirectly related to such emotion of his for several times already but so far we managed to pull it through and tolerate each other. I also realize that when I take care of his feeling and pay attention to him, I tend to fail in a way or another in my work. But what to do? I'm really in love with him, so I guess that's at least something that I need to work out.

As for work, I was thinking to get another job, or even go for further studies. But when my mind settles down a bit, I don't think I want to further my studies that much. I talked to my former lecturers and colleagues from my former uni, studying does not sound as attractive to me as it was when the idea of quitting first came to my mind. Furthermore, going for studies would mean leaving Dear for around two years and I don't want that.

When furthering my studies is crossed out from my options, I'm left with quitting this job and get another one. My boss seems to be pretty good in sensing my intention to quit (or I'm probably really bad in hiding it). He offered me a new salary scheme that would relief my stress in work, asked about what I really want to do (and I told him things that I want to do and within the company's business area) and let me do them, enforced some cultural changes in the company to reduce meetings and anything other than my core skills. I must say my boss really nailed it and I decided to give it a run for another few months and not tendering my resignation for at least until end of the year. So the soonest I would leave this job (if I do) is probably February 2012. But at least I can say I'm lucky to have a boss that really appreciates my service and wants to retain me badly.

I'm not sure since when I've become so indecisive. It was only a few days ago that I was almost sure I wanted to go for MSc but now I'm not sure.

Exactly what happened to me? Mid-life crisis or something? (Am I going to die young anyway?)

One thing for sure. I want to quit this job. Badly. And then I'm going to take a break for a few months before working/studying again. Not sure whether I would go studying or get another job though. Maybe the month-long break can help me to decide.

My initial plan is to quit at the end of December. But ever since I've decided to quit this job, the feeling of wanting to quit sooner gets stronger and stronger. Law of attraction? Maybe. I should try focusing on my goals instead of my disgruntlement.

I have not been getting along well with my work lately. I have been having the thought of changing a job for some time already. And some crazy options came into my mind and I have dismissed them already.

And when I sit down to rethink again of what I should do if not those crazy options. Furthering my studies came into my mind. Studying maybe a good change of environment for me. There may be challenges to make myself to go back to school but I think I really need some change in my life.

Told my family about plan to take up MSc. Surprisingly they supported me, unlike how it was when I decided to get into my current job.

As for my Dear, he 'sticks' to me a lot. Really a lot. He has to Whatsapp me every few hours to curb his feeling of missing me. He probably gets the most impact from this decision of mine. Going for master's means we will be apart for about two years. While I think I can live with that - with all the technologies we have now e.g. Whatsapp, Facebook, Skype etc., plus I will come back every few months - Dear will definitely miss me a lot considering how 'sticky' he is now. But he is very understanding to support my decision.

Most people have their own image of the perfect mate in their minds. I thought I was a very 'visual' person, and that I expected a lot from the appearance of my mate.

It turns out appearance matters much less to me than I thought, when the feeling is 'right'.

My Dear is good looking, but he doesn't have that kind of pretty face that I imagine for my perfect mate.

And he does not have the body and built of my perfect mate.

He has a certain temper, which comes and goes at certain times, that I'm not fancy of.

I thought I would want my guy to have at least more or less the same level of language skills that I have. Dear definitely has no problem with Chinese but he speaks in English more broken than mine (somehow I had the impression that he could converse well in English when I first encountered him).

Despite the difference from what I would imagine my mate would be, I'm still deeply in love with him.

I'm can't tell for sure what is it in him that keeps me with him. Maybe that's chemistry? Or maybe it's simply love.

A feeling so strong that I've never felt before.

Dear also has never had feeling like this in his ex's. He thinks I'm just 'the right guy' he would be spending the rest of his life with. I do not have valid love experience to compare from but I have the feeling he's 'just right' too.

But love matters are really hard to tell, esp. when we are just starting and drawing conclusions like this at this time may be too early.

Please pray for us so that we will be together for a long time to come.

Really. We wanted to slow down but we can't help being fast.

From Grindr to Whatsapp to Facebook to dating to being couple, all done within 5 days. And we became couple from the first date.

I think that's really too fast if we take time as the unit of measurement. But what we have been through for that five days felt like a month to me. We basically chatted with each other for 10 to 12 hours a day (and both of us suffer from work performance problem because of that).

Despite the fact that I lack experience in love, I know it's not a good thing to progress too fast. He thinks so too, according to his past experience. Something that comes fast usually goes faster. However, our attempts to slow ourselves down were futile. We can't help going with the flow (which is fast).

Even though I knew it was too early to ask him to be my bf, but I did it without thinking after being hinted by him. I was totally not me who made decisions on love based on logic and sensibility. Anyway, thinking about this sensibly, it would be very hurtful to him if I don't ask him to be my bf when he hinted so.

So far I have no regrets on what I have done despite it's too fast. But I'm now thinking of ways to slow us down without making him feel bad.

Things always happen in the least expected way.

One of my near-daily routines is to browse Grindr to kapchai. And at the same time, I hope to find some guys in the circle to be my real friends (although most guys there seek only physical fun), and I also hold that tiny glimpse of hope to find the right person for me (even though knowing that is highly unlikely via Grindr).

Lately, some people keep pm'ing me. Most of them in their late 30's, 40's or even 50's seeking fun. They usually don't put their profile pic and other info. So it has become natural for me to ignore any pm's from anyone without profile pic and info.

There's a guy without profile picture and info that have been pm'ing me persistently for weeks even though I've never replied to him. Out of curiosity, I decided to respond to him just to see what is he about.

Unexpectedly, it's a young guy around my age, decent height, decent weight. I asked for his picture. He's not bad looking at all.

We chatted a little. Sounded good. Then chatted on Whatsapp. Then on Facebook.

I confirmed with him that he's not looking for physical fun from me.

Everything advanced so smoothly yet so fast. You just know it when it clicks. We must have some kind of mental link that connects what we think. Throughout the chat, there were several times we understood each other instantly before we finished talking about something. And not to mention that warm and sweet feeling chatting with him. He said he feels the same.

But we both know that we should not rush this. Both of us agreed that things that come fast go away faster. So we try to slow things down and decided to be friends and know each other better first.

We chatted the whole night through until just now. There seems to be endless things to chat about with him. I was really, so addicted into chatting with him that I feel hard to stop, even though I know he really needs to sleep. I think he feels the same way, so excited that he refused to sleep even though he is really sleepy.

I'm probably drawing the conclusion too early, but I just hope that I am right. I hope this is it, this is what I have been waiting for. It's a tiring journey looking for that special someone and I wish I don't have to continue looking any more.

This has been in mind my for some time. Like last time, I want this intention to be tested just to confirm it is real.

As of now, I think it is.

The reasons I left the relatively good-paying corporate job were the feeling of being treated unfairly, corporate practice that contradicts to my personal principles. Even my former lecturer advised me to quit the job. But the most important reasons are my pride for my technical knowledge and skills, and my ambition and dream that are never mentioned here.

And so is taking up my current job. My main objective is to gain more time for my personal projects which in my opinion, will help me in realising my ambition.

It has been more than eight months I'm on this job. Unfortunately I don't see much progress on my personal endeavour—at least the progress is not proportionate to the amount of time that has passed. Worse, I feel I have been taking more time to catch my work, making even less time for my personal endeavour.

This is not right. It feels to me if I continue with this job, I will not be able to achieve my ambition.

So I think it's time to change again. In my mind now, I have another job that will probably give me more time for my personal projects.

But it's crazy. My friends and family will probably drop their jaws if I take up that job. I shall just let the idea to cool down in my mind first for more reality check.

If I ever quit my current job and take up another one, that would be my fourth job within three years. That doesn't sound like something my mum can be proud of to tell our relatives about.

I'm looking at almost everything in my life negatively now. But I don't know how to stop myself.

How to make myself think and act positively?

I have become a noisy whining kid lately.

I wish I could live without that wall in my heart.

The ladies in the house are up to something.

My mum has been trying to get me to participate in activities by her religious society. There was once she tricked me into going to an event of the society. Well, actually I knew she was up to something to do with the society but I decided to be a good son and just pretend to not know anything and answer her call.

But this time seems different from last time. My sister is taking actions on behalf of my mum. She came to my work area and ask me to go for breakfast with mum and her tomorrow.

It is unlikely to be about the society since my sister is a lot more non-supportive than me with regards to the society's activities.

My gut feeling tells me that they are going to do match-making for me this time.

So I have reached this stage after all.

I was lost about how our relationship would become. I know it well I wanted to move closer, but he has his non-lover rules. I don't think he was playing around. At least even when I told him upfront about my no-sex stand, he showed his respects and our relationship was still the same.

But the one-million question that has always been puzzling me is from how close we were, it should be natural to move on to the next level and become a couple. The reasons given to me were so non-reason and seems so indifferent and unrelated. Until today I still don't understand what was keeping him. Maybe he had someone in his heart that he couldn't get it over. Maybe I was not good enough for him.

All in all, I don't see how we could move to the next level. And I had my concern on my life and work, so I decided to leave the city and him altogether.

Familiar Stranger - Justin Williams (2010)

I didn't know how to face him so I chose to run away. And now I'm saying hello again to him.

And two days ago I was still listening to this song and appreciating the lyrics. Yesterday morning he contacted me again.

That strummed my heartstrings. For an instant I was wavered.

I asked him again. I wanted to know what should I be expecting or not expecting from him this time.

He said it is still the same as before.

And I still don't understand.

But he sounds super happy for being able to contact me again. He couldn't get to me for more than half a year because I've blocked him from my contact.


a lot of things have happened to him and he has been feeling pretty down. But he said getting my reply made his day. And even my reply to his goodnight wishes made him so happy that he "can sleep with a smile".

So what is this about? I really have no idea. If a simple reply from me can be so powerful to make him that happy, that sounds like I can influence him more than a friend, yet I'm only his friend.

So as a friend, I refrain myself from using intimate form of address.

Leaving a secure and well-paid job for a job that I thought I'm good in, all of my friends 'envy' my courage and wish me the best (and probably a few laughed at me behind my back for making such a decision), and have also been through arguments with my family over it. When I'm finally settling down, job motivation has become an recurring issue that keeps coming to haunt me every few weeks.

I think and rethink and rethink again about my life, my job and the horrible state I'm in now. Probable causes of my problem:

1. Technical skills for my job
   I thought I had a good deal of technical skills. Probably I really had it, but not any more after two years being in a non-technical position.
2. Got too used to an office job
   This is not my first telecommute job. I had another one before. It was fine back then. But soon after that, I took up an office job. Two years down the road, I've probably gotten so used to what I'd call zombie lifestyle. And then when I came back for a telecommute job, I realized that I've lost my self-discipline. Probably the previous job doesn't require self-discipline because the nature of the job itself was full of rules and regulations.
3. Working on Uninteresting Technology
   I have to admit. Some of the technologies that my current company is using do not interest me. Worse still, I despise some of them. That probably relates back to #1 that I don't have enough technical skills to appreciate the technologies. And I do not have enough influence and credibility to convince the switch to newer technologies that interest me. Company has to consider the risk of taking up a new technology after all.
4. Other Worries and Annoyance in Life
   My current job requires me to work during night time. That has been causing me to lose hair, gain panda eyes, and grow pimples. I'm not a real metrosexualist but I do want myself to look normal at the very least. These appearance problems are making me to lose confidence in myself and try to stay at home as much as I can, leading to my current unhealthy lifestyle. While I can nudge my working hours to make it earlier, it goes back to the problem of lack of discipline in myself to work during hot daytime.
5. Being too ambitious
   Wanting to achieve too many things. Not only I lost track of my progress for each of the things I want to do, I've also lost focus of what I should be doing.
6. Not having enough social life
   I think probably not meeting people enough has been causing me not able to focus well in the things I do. I think it's loneliness.

These are some of them that I can think of. The way I look at them, they are correlated to each another. Probably I should take a long holiday to rethink about my future. I think I'm officially lost. I need to sort out my mind.

Life is never easy. Many times I envy the way kids can live without worries.

There are so many things that we need to face after stepping out from schools. There are a lot of things in life/about life that I did not know/understand, and there are still a lot that I do not know, things like personal savings, insurance, household planning, investments, housing, bank loans... etc.

I feel there's always something in life that I did not learn like any of my peers did. I have been always feeling that growing up and stepping into adulthood without a father has made me lack of knowledge in dealing with many things in life. So occasionally, I get visions of a son learning from his father in a fatherly talk, wishing I was the son. But of course unlike those in movies/TVs where they talk about becoming man of dignity and such - I would imagine them to be talking about renting a place and earning own's living in a city, teaching about personal financial planning and such.

I'm probably less fortunate. My father passed away when I was 10. Although I was old enough to know and remember things, I can only remember his appearance but not as a fatherly figure. He worked outstation. I could only see him 2 days in a week all year long except during CNY. And he always came back looking tired, so we had never really had real family time. I don't even remember if he had beaten me up before like any father does to his son. My connection with him is so weak that I have not even dreamed of him, never when he was alive or dead.

Knowing I'm really ignorant about things in life, I've been trying to read and learn more about them over the Internet. The Khan Academy has a lot of good online educational videos offered for free. I've been doing the financial classes. But juggling between work, ambition, personal interests and these lessons is never easy, esp. when I've been having work motivation issues that I need to deal with. That makes me think that maybe I'm correct about stepping into adulthood with guidance from a father is easier than without the guidance.

Whatever it is, it doesn't change the fact that I'm an ignorant boy unfit to enter adulthood. I don't see myself have what it takes to live like a real adult. There are so many things that I feel so clueless about.

Come to think of it, it's totally an oxymoron by saying I'm more matured-thinking than my peers yet I'm ignorant about things about life that they know. Maybe I'm not matured-thinking after all.

I'm feeling so down thinking about this whole thing. Should stop here.

Today when I was doing my usual kapchai routine on Grindr, I saw something surprising.

My ex-schoolmate is on Grindr, that could only means he's PLU right?

I hesitated to say hi. At the end I never get to say hi.

I think I have become too self-deceptive. While I said I can handle myself well enough and don't need a friend who is also gay to talk to, I guess through this surprising discovery, I realize that I actually instantly want to talk to a friend who can understand my circumstances.

My hesitation was partly because we were not that close back then in school. I'm afraid if he never intents to let his friends from school to know about his sexuality (like me). If that's so, it would be awkward if I told him that I found out he's gay.

I've never been good in dealing with people. That comes built-in to me as a nerd. So I have uncommon social dilemmas like this.

Ah well. Taking baby steps to change that part of me anyway.

I think I really have a complex towards Malay, a compassionate complex.

I get more *cuit* moment from Malays than Chinese. Many things done by a Malay can be more cuit hati to me than the same done by a Chinese. I'm not sure why but I've just realized this recently.

And I think the judging standards on appearance I use towards Malay is more lenient than those towards Chinese. When I'm outside, I always see more Malay than Chinese strangers that I consider good looking.

But I know well that I'm very proud of my Chinese heritage. The language, history, philosophies, culture, arts etc. Just about anything. So it's quite interesting even for myself to realize my complex towards Malay.

Just saying.

I'm finally off the project cycle. I'm now in the gap between projects where I can finally take a breath properly and rest.

My work performance has not been good lately. I need a short term change of environment for working to refresh my working mood. It's never been easy to keep up with the feeling of indolence when telecommuting.

It's always been a myth among the general public that working from home is great because the working hours are so flexible and we can save the time required to commute to work. I once thought that way too. But that's until the problem of indolence strikes me every few months. In reality, telecommuting requires a lot of self-discipline. I thought I was a disciplined person, but now I think I'm probably no longer a disciplined person. So I need external factors to push me working.

In a way, although I like my current profession, I don't think telecommuting suits me. I'm probably one of those people that has always wished to get a telecommuting job but in actual fact, not suited for it.

But since I have taken up this route, I guess there's no turning back at the moment. All I can do is to take some extra measures to make sure I do my job.

This time I'm going to try a workcation. Going to spend a week in an island and work from there. I've been there once when I was so stressed up with my office job and took a week leave for the island. It was great for me back then. I hope it still works for me this time.

Sometimes the lyric of a song speaks for me but this one even has its melody comforts me.

A friend posted a comment on one of my blog posts. There's a link (in traditional Chinese text) in the comment. Although the article was meant for a women's column, I think it reflects me quite well.

The article describes my current state so well and it summarizes it into four words: 寧缺勿濫 (lit. rather lacking than excess), meaning rather to be alone than to accept anything coming along. As analyzed by the author, people like this keep a distance and do not strike until they are very sure. And when they strike, they tend to hit it.

I cruise a lot on Grindr. More like kapchai or stalking enjoying to look at good looking guys. I seldom take an active role in starting a chat with other guys. But when I start one, it means I'm serious in wanting to know the guy.

But problem is, there are not many people like me these days. Most of them would rather accept anything coming along than be alone. So it's natural for them to just stop chatting with anyone abruptly because they have a better candidate.

The last minute, they say I'm cute. And in the next, they ignored me totally.

I get excited easily when I get a pleasant reply, but my feeling also also get stirred up easily when they suddenly left.

I'm having a hard time keeping up.

I think I should start not to dress up like a teenager.
Same goes to haircut and hair style.

I'm quite visual. When cruising the profiles (actually only stalking), I tend to look at good looking guys.

While I don't consider myself unsightly, I'm not really good looking either. I know it all this while, esp. that I'm losing more hair than a normal person does these days. I don't put up my profile picture because I've never been happy with how I look on the photos.

The appearance of the guys that I tend to look at is above myself. There are times that I feel like saying hi, but the thought that I'm unworthy flashes my mind and I always kill the intention to say hi instantly.

Back to stalking... =P

My old man syndrome is acting up again. I can't find good blog post from the community that interests me.

There are a few that I've read, but I have nothing to comment about. As for the rest, I don't even bother to finish reading them - too childish or too shallow or totally out of my interest.

Worse, even reading at the comment makes me feel irritated. I'm not sure why. Those comments that I've read lately are mostly flirting, or voicing disappointment because the blogger is not single, yada yada.

I hear a voice in myself asking why can't these people give proper views on the blog post.

Nah. Whatever. People have their rights to express whatever thought as they wish.

Okay, the feeling of being irritated is probably due to the hot weather, the lack of progress and motivation in doing my work, and the news of civil activists being besieged.

Seriously, that sounds so much like old-man rants.

If this happens to ladies in 40's to 50's, it's called menopause.

At times, I feel that my thinking is overly mature and rational for someone at my age.

It seems to me my thinking is not at the same frequency as my peers, esp. gay guys around my age. Yet they seem to be more able than me to get someone to date.

Is it being mature is not a likeable quality for someone at my age? Or is it not because my maturity but how boring I am?

Yeah, I'm a boring guy and I think it's not easy to make a change on that. Actually, I don't have much intention to change that part of me. I just don't like the feeling of faking interests and excitement.

And all this while my thinking is that I'll eventually find someone that know how to appreciate my characteristic.

Just saying~

After reading through some blogs, apparently I'm not the only one who have been to this - had someone who called you 'dear', 'darling' or whatever, say how he misses you, how he'd like to see you, etc., BUT cannot commit. And I guess mine is worse, because he wants to maintain an intimate relationship without being couples.

Whatever reasons he gave, he was probably true. But what is the difference between him and that Mr. J? It seems to me he is worse, but only without me labelling him as a 'player' in my mind. At the very least, Mr. J revealed that he doesn't intend to have further relationship. Mine, if he was a player, is even worse and more shameless to ask to maintain such relationship.

In a way, we are both too naive about the people in the community. Thinking that those sweet talks are indications of being committed. But I guess I'm learning fast. I withdrew myself in time. I won't believe words as such any more because as sweet as they sound, I'll never know whether the other person is true or is fishing. Maybe only time can tell. So other than waiting, I guess there's no other way. The more we push ourselves forward, the more easily we get to be played around.

My current job requires me to work from home, SOHO style.

The thing about working from home is that, I have a hard time trying to focus on my work.

When I should be starting to work already, I usually have problem to start my engine.

And when I started working, I tend to get distracted by various things. I usually read various articles, news, watch TV show streaming, visit blogs, Facebook, and also porn.

Many think working from home is the best. That's a myth. Not everyone has the discipline to work with motivation and concentration, including me.

Ok. Time to continue my work. (Yeah I'm suppose to work now instead of blogging)

Ever since I left the City back to my Town, I successfully ran away from the things that I do not want to make decisions on. But when things settled down a bit, when my mind has no other things to worry about, I become gatal again.

Settling in a small town, I thought it should be hard to meet PLU (or harder to find one), and I thought that would train myself to be used to being alone. But it appears not. The desire to meet a good guy occupies my mind whenever it has more 'free time' from other worries. So I try to look for peers. And then when I find any, I feel happy and want to meet them. And then hoping to meet the right guy blah blah blah.

And that's when I became so desperate and broke my own rules. I feel ashamed of myself for not able to keep a promise I made to myself.

But one thing about myself, I think I am too much of a perfectionist and want too many things in one guy. From outer to inner, there are so many things I look for, knowing clearly there's probably only 0.000001% to meet such a guy.

I think I was in too much rush looking for a good guy and that has caused me to break my own rules. I should really train my patience even if I'm desperate.

Lately I came across this song, not too new but the lyric is like talking to me. Both in a good or a sarcastic way. Title of the song: 慢慢等, which can mean wait patiently (the good way) or fat hope (the sarcastic way). Anyway I'm more inclined to the good meaning, so I've fallen in love with this song with its melody and lyric. The artist is William Wei (he's cute too).

And my mum has started to ask me when will I get a girlfriend lately...

maybe the ultimate reason is that i don't have the courage to love.

it's not that he's not good. i was happy with him. but when i calm down and start thinking everything over, i don't have the courage to continue.

i have things i want to achieve in my life. that involves leaving this country for maybe several years. i'm not sure if i would be able to continue my plan to leave by that time if i fall in love now. i don't see myself as someone who will be able to give him happiness in the future if i ever leave while he can't. i don't want to be in a dilemma to give up either my dream or love.

on the other hand, it's not like i'm going to live happily ever after if i choose to be with him and to give up my dream. he has told me, he can't assure me anything, and he doesn't want us to be couples, simply because he won't be able to in the future. he will have to get married someday and will have to leave me if we were couples. so he just wants us to be best friends forever. at first i told myself i can do this, but actually i'm not sure. it's hard to say what would i become, i might become greedy and want him to commit more, or start imagining more things with him. either way i will be disappointed. i simply don't have the courage to face the disappointment later on.

i think i m too scientific for love. subconsciously, i measure happiness in every way i can. in my current state being alone while able to cope with it, if i don't get into love, i will stay this and i will be safe. if i get into love, i will gain happiness momentarily, but when it ends, it will be devastating to me. i would rather my happiness to be evenly distributed over the years where i don't feel too happy nor too sad, than using up all 'quota' i get for happiness in a few years and live in sorrow and emptiness after that.

i don't understand love. i judge things easily by logic and sensibility. not that i want to, but i simply don't know how not to judge things that way. i can't push myself to go for a route that seemingly riskier to me, or maybe because there wasn't enough push for me to do so. i'm not sure. looking at the way things were, i think i have made the best decision from my judgement.

maybe love is just not the thing i want. maybe i just don't know what i want. maybe i just don't have the courage to love so i keep giving myself reasons not to love.

I realize I enjoy being alone more.

I actually feel placing my affection on someone real and reachable in my life causes me more troubles than the pleasure it would give.

And so, I've decided to leave again. This time I really don't seem to have any reason to stay anymore (yet I have several to leave).

It may be a pity as it ended up this way. But I feel freer. And I have recently diverted my affection towards a celebrity that I can never reach. I think my life has become as easy as before without those love worries.

Let it be my fault for not being faithful to my love.

我想我还是比较适合自己一个人过。

不是不爱他，只是我没办法做到他要的。

他说我们只能是朋友，偏偏又爱跟我说情话，让我没办法克制自己想要跟他进一步发展。

他要我跟他做可以说情话的朋友。我真的做不到。而且我会担心这份爱将来会跟我的理想令我两难。

就当作是我不爱了
关上门以后 就算爱你又如何

已经快三个星期没有跟他联络了。我生活依旧如常。我越来越搞不懂爱。之前明明就觉得它是爱，但是为什么没有了却又不痛不痒。有他的时候虽然不寂寞，但是会觉得要烦的事情比较多。没有了他，反而没那么多烦恼，虽然会寂寞，但是也习惯了。

今天收到消息，房东要收回我租的房子。这就是天意吧。当初改变主意选择留下来是因为他，现在既然已经不爱了，也没有理由留下来了。再多两个月半，我就离开了。这次应该不会像上次那样反反复复了吧。