Guy in the Closet

maybe the ultimate reason is that i don't have the courage to love.

it's not that he's not good. i was happy with him. but when i calm down and start thinking everything over, i don't have the courage to continue.

i have things i want to achieve in my life. that involves leaving this country for maybe several years. i'm not sure if i would be able to continue my plan to leave by that time if i fall in love now. i don't see myself as someone who will be able to give him happiness in the future if i ever leave while he can't. i don't want to be in a dilemma to give up either my dream or love.

on the other hand, it's not like i'm going to live happily ever after if i choose to be with him and to give up my dream. he has told me, he can't assure me anything, and he doesn't want us to be couples, simply because he won't be able to in the future. he will have to get married someday and will have to leave me if we were couples. so he just wants us to be best friends forever. at first i told myself i can do this, but actually i'm not sure. it's hard to say what would i become, i might become greedy and want him to commit more, or start imagining more things with him. either way i will be disappointed. i simply don't have the courage to face the disappointment later on.

i think i m too scientific for love. subconsciously, i measure happiness in every way i can. in my current state being alone while able to cope with it, if i don't get into love, i will stay this and i will be safe. if i get into love, i will gain happiness momentarily, but when it ends, it will be devastating to me. i would rather my happiness to be evenly distributed over the years where i don't feel too happy nor too sad, than using up all 'quota' i get for happiness in a few years and live in sorrow and emptiness after that.

i don't understand love. i judge things easily by logic and sensibility. not that i want to, but i simply don't know how not to judge things that way. i can't push myself to go for a route that seemingly riskier to me, or maybe because there wasn't enough push for me to do so. i'm not sure. looking at the way things were, i think i have made the best decision from my judgement.

maybe love is just not the thing i want. maybe i just don't know what i want. maybe i just don't have the courage to love so i keep giving myself reasons not to love.