Archive for March 2012

30-year-old Milestone

I've heard people talking about the 30-year-old milestone for women. 30 is a big number for women. For those who are already in relationships, they want to get married before they reach this age. But for those not in relationships, they want to find the right man before 30.

I think the same applies to gay guys too.

I got to know a guy in his late 20's. He told me that he wants to find someone to settle down with. Hearing that from him, the talks of the 30-year-old milestone came to my mind. I suddenly realised that he's having the symptoms of facing the approaching milestone.

That backed me off a bit. And I stopped contacting him. It's not that I do not want to find someone to settle down with, but I wasn't sure about my feelings towards him, and I didn't know how long it would take for me to confirm the feelings. So I thought it's probably better for him to look for someone else rather than wasting his time on me being uncertain. I'm pretty sure if I were him, I wouldn't want to spend my critical year approaching 30, on a guy who might end up not the right person for me.

Somehow that 30-year-old milestone thing keeps wandering in my mind after that. Some guys are most attractive when they are around 30, but I'm pretty sure that for me, I would be even less attractive than I am right now. I would be as anxious as the guy to look for the right person by that time.

While I know well I must not rush into a relationship, I can't help to worry a little about my 30-year-old milestone too because time really flies.

Maybe I should really divert my attention to doing something else rather than thinking about this.

Confused by Relationship Status

I find it both amusing and saddening that many Malaysian gay men either don't understand what it means in the relationship status they are putting for themselves, or they don't take relationship status seriously.

Call me a relationship-status nazi or whatever. I really think the statuses should mean what they are supposed to mean.

I see many young boys on Grindr simply put their relationship status as 'engaged' or 'married'. Some single guys put their relationship status as 'open relationship'.

Personally I think being 'engaged' should really mean being engaged. That is, the guy is getting married soon. If he's getting married in Malaysia, then he will soon have a (straight) family, except this husband-to-be is a little gatal to know what is it like to have a relationship with a guy.

And I think if a guy's relationship status is 'married', by right it should indicate that he probably is someone who has a wife or even children but is gatal to have a relationship with a guy, because Malaysia only recognises marriage between a man and a woman (or up to four women).

For gay couples who are in very stable relationships comparable to marriage, I think the right status is 'partnered'. Malaysia does not recognise gay marriage. But if I'm not mistaken, 'partnered' is a status for couples in domestic partnerships or civil partnerships etc. in countries that recognise these relationships legally. So being 'partnered' is the closest possible status to refer to gay couples who are practically but not legally married.

And seriously, if you're a single gay man who is very 'open'-minded, or 'open' to any possibilities, that does not make you in an 'open relationship'. Look it up before you put that as your relationship status!

Jangan gatal.

Worry of A Closeted Guy

There are some questions raised by a reader from my previous post titled "A Beginner's Guide as A Gay Person" in the comments. I tried to reply in the comments area itself but it's too lengthy to be posted as a comment. So I'm replying his questions as a follow-up blog post here.

Here's the question:

Hi! I have something to ask about point number 3...hmmm, supposedly those gay dating sites or grindr are for gay people to browse thru..however, I am also afraid that there may be straight homophobic people who are so free like they have got nothing else to do, who will purposely visits those site, just to hunt down gay guys around them whom they recognize, and exposing them to get fun.. do you think this will happen? I have not been to any gay dating sites, so maybe you can enlighten me about the possibility of that? or well maybe I am just being paranoid, hahah!

Again, too long, so click on the Read More link.

Read more »

A Beginner's Guide as a Gay Person

I'm starting to notice that many who visit my blog (stealthily without commenting) are still in the closet, or sort of preparing themselves to start coming out. So as someone who have been through that (partially. I'm still not out to my family and most of my friends), I've learned about myself and the gay community quite a bit, too. I guess rather than keeping them for myself, might as well I write them down in a blog post, who knows they may help those who are just starting to accept that they are gay. But bear in mind that everyone's circumstances are different so what applies to me may or may not apply to you.

This is going to be quite long, so click on Read More to continue reading.

Read more »


While we are not even officially dating yet, I think I still need to have some kind of mental preparation for how things could turn out.

He's working in a city several hours away from mine. We are not really far away from each other but still, we don't live in the same city. I consider this a long distance relationship, because our main form of interaction is basically over phone calls or messages.

I'm not particularly confident about this kind of relationship, but a part of me wants to give it a try.

I'm also not really fancy of moving over to his city to work, but it is still possible for me to move there if I find this relationship is worthy of it. But I need to also consider other possibilities, e.g. what if I really can't move there?

From your experience, what are the things that need to be paid attention to when it comes to LDR? How to maintain a relationship like this (something that can be put into practice rather than 'trust')?


I went for a short trip northward last week. It was originally for work, but I decided to extend my trip for a few days to attend some students' events and meeting up with some friends.

The trip was unexpectedly fruitful for me. From meeting my friends, I got several new friends and some good opportunities for work and possibly employment.

Oh yeah, I'm officially jobless now, taking in some odd jobs to earn a small living at the moment.

Also, my Grindr account was busy too. Possibly because seeing a new face in the city, the guys were flooding me with 'hi's. I'm not trying to show off here, but that's really something commendable for a person like me. But frankly speaking, no one that chatted with me really 'clicked' for me, until when I was on my way back to Johor. There were two guys pinged me on Grindr that kinda clicks. One is a Malaysian working in Singapore, another is a Singaporean having a vacation in Malaysia.

I exchanged my number with both and started to chat with them to understand them better. Coincidently, both of them call me with the same form of address. Over the few days chatting with them, I had a guilty feeling as if I'm dating two guys at the same time. I knew I had to quickly make a choice to focus on only one of them to clear my conscience.

It was a struggle to make a choice. Both were having almost the same score from my ranking. It's ironic that I've not met someone that clicks for me for so long, and suddenly two came at the same time, both are working in Singapore, so alike in their speech, and equally as appealing for me.

After weighing from various aspects, I chose the Singaporean over the Malaysian working in Singapore. The winning point is simply that he seems to be putting more effort in getting to know me and caring about me.

For me, long distance relationship is not really something that I'm totally comfortable with. But considering it's so hard to find someone that really clicks for me, I think I'm going to give it a try. Plus, I'm pretty flexible to change my plan, possibly to work in Singapore if the relationship really worths it.

Anyway, we are not in a relationship yet. And neither are we officially dating each other yet. But I guess we are a little more than friends at the moment. I just hope things will turn out well this time, but at the same time, I'm trying not to put expectations on this, realising no expectation means no disappointment.

On the side note:

The Chinese word 缘分 is a concept that hardly exists in English. As far as I know, the word originates from Buddhist context and paved its way to Chinese vocabulary and became a prominent concept in Chinese culture. One can relate it to fate or destiny but in fact both fate and destiny seems to be more of an equivalent of the word 命运. There isn't a word in English that is close enough in its meaning to 缘分 to the point that linguists romanised the word into Yuanfen to convey the meaning.

I remember years ago I was first introduced to the word 'serendipity' from a Hong Kong drama series. I looked up the meaning of the word to find out that the word is close enough to convey the meaning of 缘分, although it is commendatory whereas 缘分 is neutral (but mostly used in a commendatory context).



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