I think the reason I got tired of being in love so quickly is probably because I'm a loner. I enjoy spending time on my own more than I thought.
When we were having the relationship, I find myself losing a lot of time that I used to have for myself, and I missed those time I spent on my own. He really 'stuck' to me too much and I had to pay a lot of attention to him instead of myself and my work.
Right after the sweetest period, I realized that my life has already become a total mess. Other than having a lover, there's nothing else in my life that is properly in place.
I realized that other than love, I have lost everything else.
I think I love myself more than I love him. I still want to get some orders back to my life. If I can't cope with both, that probably means I'm not ready to be in love. If I can't have my cake and eat it, then I'll just choose whichever that brings greater good for myself. Utilitarian style, although it's only within myself.
I don't know what's in me that keeps him so attached to me. He just sent a few messages to me via Whatsapp. The contents are touching. He said he will wait for me for even ten years. I did not reply. I don't mean to doubt his sincerity but things are just too vulnerable to change. I thought I would love him for the rest of my life but it turns out I love myself more and I have to leave him. I never thought I would be the one who ditches another but I am now. Things are always not the same as we thought.
The past week has been pleasant for me. By ignoring and not replying to his occasional calls and messages, I was able to get back to the life I used to live. Everything feels more in order again. And I feel that I can pursue my ambitions again.
I might no longer be able to enjoy the pleasure of having someone to hug, but I gain back the simple happiness for being alone quietly.
I'm happier living this way. At least that's what I think for now.
