Guy in the Closet

That's right. I'm not coming out, which is exactly the reason I'm writing on this blog.

I come from an ordinary Chinese household in Malaysia. My father passed away when I was young, partly contribute to my sexual orientation due to the search for fatherly love.

When I was in Form 1, I was sexually harassed by a classmate. He groped me on my private part but I did not really push him away for his assault. Instead, I was kinda enjoying it (he is hot after all). I could have noticed that I'm homosexual back then. After that, he tried to kiss me on my lips openly in the school although it wasn't successful.

Since then, several other similar incidents took place in my adolescence. First, it was a senior who tricked me to a secluded place in school just to hug me from my back. Then, it was a classmate in a tuition class who did me a handjob in the tuition class.

Then I started to watch gay porn and got addicted to it. I was in denial for being a gay and I tried to watch straight porn, but soon I realized that only the male actors attract me. After several years, I finally I slowly accepted the fact that I'm a gay.

I know being a gay is not easy. My mother who brought me up has put very high hopes on me to make her proud. I did quite well in my studies and I landed on good jobs. So far I haven't let her down yet. She's looking forward to see me having my own family. She even volunteered to teach my children our mother tongue dialect (which I kinda lost since I started schooling) in the future, which seems to me that those are her dreams for the rest for her life. And so, I do not have the courage to let her know that I'm a gay.

On the other hand, I told myself that I will never marry a girl just to please my mother, unless I really love the girl (which I do not think will happen).

Okay, I'm bad in my writing. I don't know how to end this because my journey of accepting the fact that I'm a gay has only just started.

Until I have some other thoughts, goodbye, my blog.