Guy in the Closet

As much as I'm reluctant to, I have to admit this is the end of my third relationship.

Despite I said I should let things flow on their own, I couldn't stand the silence and the uncertainty.

I texted him again this afternoon.

He responded quick enough. But it was a no.

We cleared things up, and established that the call for breaking up was due to anger in both of us. But he was adamant about not getting back together.

"A good horse will never return to graze on grass that it has already passed by," he brought up this Chinese proverb. He said I was four days late.

So I tried to clear off the charges, telling him that I wanted to make it up for him the very next night after we called for breaking up. He finally understands, but still refused to come back to me.

I've never seen him so unapproachable before. I know he's determined this time. Knowing he's very unlikely to come back for me again, I decided to change my strategy—instead of trying to move him, I'm going to make him know his shortcomings that I couldn't tolerate. I tried to use the least offensive words to make him understand his shortcomings that get on my nerve which caused the argument and the breakup. After a really long writeup, I got the message through him. He understands what I was trying to convey, but he was still holding up to be separated. He said I deserve better and wished me well.

He doesn't seem to be angry with me anymore after all my explanations. So all I can think of is that he was trying to make it easier for me by separating with me. By breaking up, I don't have to go through a lot of things that I need to do for the relationship e.g. preparing myself to be relocated with him etc. I can no longer explain what could be the reason because it's clear to me that he still loves me.

I remember he told me that he loves me a lot more than I love him. I want to believe that he's trying to be noble and doesn't want me to go through the hardship with him.

I wanted to ask him not to be noble. But on the second thought, I decided to cover it up for him. I pretended that I knew there were something about me that he doesn't like but he wouldn't tell me, and that he was breaking up with me for himself. I guess I have to appreciate his love by accepting his gestures of goodwill, much like how I would want him to do when I do something for us.

I have not given up on him, but I have to let him to let me go. It makes him feel better. Otherwise given our circumstances, we would have to go through a lot and that would give him a lot of pressure.

I told him that I've never loved anyone as much as I love him, and that I will try to move on but probably won't be able to meet someone that I love as much as I love him. Then I wished him well and asked him to take care before signing off.

He replied that he loves me a lot too, but we are not good for each other, at least at this point of time. That kinda reaffirms that the reason he wants to be separated from me is that he wants to save me the troubles of being with him.

Or maybe all these are just my own assumptions that my subconscious mind came up with to make myself feel better?

I have no idea. At least, I can convince myself to let go now, although it's going to take some time.