I'm missing A again.

感情上的挫败，在所难免。而挫败后的失落感，不单是难免，更是难耐的。套林宥嘉《说谎》的歌词里其中一句：“我又不脆弱，何况那算什么伤，反正爱情不就都这样”，难道我没更痛彻心扉过吗？

Apparently the best healing potion for me is meeting someone new.

I set my phone to automatically records the conversation when I call or pick up a call. After each call, I would delete the recording if I think the call was not important.

每个人的生命里，会出现很多人
有的来了就走
有的多逗留了一会儿
有的走了又回来。

我遇上了交通意外，人没事，但车子大概要住院一两个月。

突然觉得好脆弱。

想起了我跟他峰回路转的爱情。他总是怪E君把我抢走，然后又怪我当时刚买的车，让我有机会跟E君见面，然后发展关系。他甚至说他曾经有想砸烂我车子的念头。

It was all fine.

Until I accidentally recalled it was his birthday.

Crying is really a good way to vent out, especially when you're picking up the pieces from a breakup.

As much as I'm reluctant to, I have to admit this is the end of my third relationship.

A lot has happened while I was away from this blog. I got into a dramatic relationship.

A and I were chatting well and all. It was all fine when we had dinner on our first meeting. It was only until the end of the date that we turned sour. After that, we'd never contacted each other for months.

Loves Me Not
(feat. Meiko)

You say you do but you don't,
And just like a carousel, round and round you go,
My patience runs out the door,
When you tell me all the ways you love me,
But still ain't never been to my show.
Oh, oh oh...

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?
Foot on the gas...
The car keep stalling.
A passionate kiss...
With eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me not

You keep me out on a wire,
Somewhere between the "you" and "you and I",
My legs are getting so tired,
From hanging on your every word,
Making up excuses why
You can't make up your mind.

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?
Foot on the gas...
The car keep stalling.
A passionate kiss...
With eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me

Whenever he is lonely,
Or after watching a girly movie
Or he just needs a hand to hold
He loves me...
Whenever it's convenient,
Told myself each time he means it,
I happily play the fool.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
And then turn around and screen my calls?

Foot on the gas, car keeps stalling.
A passionate kiss, eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me not

He decided to stop dating me. He said he's having a tough time. He doesn't want to tell me or anyone and wants to be alone.

I was worried on what happened to him, and decided to show my concern. I texted him twice a day, in the morning when I wake up and at night before I sleep, just to let him know I was still there for him.

Apparently that's already too much for him. He begs me to give him some space.

Maybe I'm pushing him too far. Maybe two messages a day is still too much for him. Maybe he isn't into relationship with me at all. Whatever it is, I don't want to guess and care anymore.

Surprisingly, that one sentence is enough for me to decide to move on.

怎样爱才对呢？

我有前男友，但却不觉得自己真正谈过恋爱。对恋爱有认知、有微薄的经验，却还是不懂得拿捏。

我跟我唯一的前男友，开始得太快，在还没有真正认识对方前就开始了。结果交往后才发现双方思想、处事各方面都有很大的差距。甜蜜期只持续了几个星期，之后就一直为小事吵得不可开交。在交往快满两个月的时候，我提出了分手，因为我觉得我们两个人有太多的不同、太多的差距，拖下去只会继续互相伤害。

经过那次，我明白了交往前不管多甜蜜、多欣赏对方、多投入，都要对对方有相当的了解，才可以交往。再来，就是交往的时候不要许下山盟海誓、不要做白头到老的诺言、不要说想怎样跟对方度过以后的日子，因为万一感情吹了，它们只会造成更多的伤痛。

以为懂了这些，下一次恋爱就会美好。感情来了，才发现原来自己根本什么都还不懂。

我以为小心拿捏、多花时间了解他，就可以有稳定的基础。我努力压抑自己的冲动，不让自己全身投向他，让自己慢慢了解他，并适量对他表达爱慕和思念。

开始他也回应对我的爱慕，甚至要我多给他传简讯。之后他开始问我是不是觉得没安全感。我不解他为什么这么问，不过现在终于明白了。原来我平时每天都会告诉他我的行踪好几次，譬如吃三餐的时候，或是到达公司的时候。他大概是以为我以“礼尚往来”的方式，想知道他的行踪。其实，告诉他我的行踪，不是希望他也告诉我他的行踪，而是想念他了，却不想一味地说我想念他。是的，我日常作息、大小事都会不自觉地想起他，我想我是真的喜欢上他了。

那天我去了一个不适合我的场合，因为无法融入场合里，我一直不由自主地想起他，不管他回不回复，一个晚上传了四次简讯给他。怎知道他迟来的回复，竟然是说，根据他的经验，我一直挂念他是不好的，还说什么如果我们是注定一起的，就一定会一起。虽然我自己也认为他说得对，但是当下从他的简讯里读到这样的内容，心里很不是滋味。虽然我们目前还不到男朋友关系，但却是在交往的。对我而言，交往中的人互相思念是很正常的。更何况我不是同一时候跟多人交往来筛选男友的人，挂念得多应该也是正常的。想到这里，在加上酒精作祟，就决定为自己申冤，回复他告诉他我一向同一时间只跟一个人交往。怎知他会错意，以为我说他在跟我交往的同时，跟其他人交往，急忙跟我解释跟他吃饭的只是朋友。

没多久我清醒过来，才发现自己说了严重的话，急忙跟他解释。然后回想发生的这一切，得出得结论是我的简讯让他感到一些压力，决定隔天减少传简讯给他。

隔天，就真的除了早餐时传了一封简讯，一整天都没有再联络他。而他也除了早餐时回复的那封简讯，一整天都没联络我。

一直沉溺在自己的梦幻里，我才赫然发现，原来一直以来都是我主动传简讯给他，他鲜少主动传简讯给我。今天我快一整天没联络他，也不见他主动联络。开始想，我好像是一厢情愿。对他而言，我大概是可有可无的。

我以为有了上次的经验，这次会比较好，看来我还是学不会。

As mentioned previously, I was on the move to KL and now here I am, back in this city of opportunities and disappointments, hope and dispair, love and hate of mine.

I get a 'proper' job by the convention of the society (and my relatives)—work from 9 to 6 in an office, in a smart attire. I was looking up and down for a roof where I can land myself in this city. It wasn't easy, but I'm really grateful to the two kind souls who allow me to barge in their home for a month. Count myself lucky, one of them works really near to my office. So by staying with them, two main problems of mine, shelter and transportation are solved at once. And I get a breakfast and dinner mate and don't have to worry about where to eat, too.

But of course, I still have to look for my own place. The crib hunt is still going on. And again, I'm lucky to have several guys who are planning to move together and be my future housemates. So we can get a whole house unit and save a little on the rentals.

Work-wise, I wake up at 6 am every weekday morning, hit the bed at 10 or 11 pm almost every night. I don't have a lot of free time to do things other than my work. I don't get to watch TV shows, or play a quick game or two, or write for and maintain my blog, or ponder, or even read the news and articles I used to read on daily basis. But everything feels much more orderly than it used to be. Although there seems to be a lot of things that I'm missing out, I feel just right, as I know I'm going back to becoming the disciplined person I used to be. Hopefully this momentum is going to last long.

Being an active stalker on Grindr, some guys here approach to chat with me. I've had good chats with them and the feeling of being appreciated is building my confidence significantly from how it was. And most importantly, there's a guy who really, really 'clicks' for me. We met each other over a supper and it felt so right for both of us, so we started dating. The feeling comes a little too fast, but with my past experience, I think I know how to steer the progress slow and steady.

I think good times are really ahead!

In another few days, I'm going to relocate myself to KL again. I'm quite excited for the move. The first thing is of course I can start anew—new place, new housemates, new company, new colleagues, new friends.

I haven't told any of my existing friends on my move (except those that I have no choice but to let them know). Partially because I want to experiment and simulate living in a completely new place, without any friends and family.

Another part of it is that I'm planning to live openly as a gay guy—not having to hide my sexuality. IMO, letting newly known people know that I'm gay should be easier than coming out to existing friends. That's because we have established relationships with existing friends, so we are more afraid of losing existing friends than of losing someone we just get to know. That's why I've decided that for me, I should come out to my new friends first.

I haven't planned exactly how I'm going to come out to my new friends, and I probably won't plan anything in an actionable manner. To me, too much planning on certain matters sometimes will eventually cause more disappointment. Usually when we plan on something, we are putting expectations on how it should work. The more we plan, the higher we expect, and the higher we expect, the more we feel disappointed when things don't go according to our plans. So to avoid the disappointments and whatnots, I'm not going to plan anything specific. Planning to come out to new friends before existing friends is probably the most specific I can plan already.

Of course I don't think I can hide my whereabouts from my existing friends for long. The area where I'm going to live and work at is just around the area where I used to live. I may bump into my existing friends anytime. When the time comes, that's probably the time I need to start preparing to come out to (or even to be found out as gay by) my existing friends already. That can be in a few months, or a few years. For that I will let my fate to decide.

Sounds like a challenging plan, and I'm not sure if I can handle it. But I guess it's about time I do something about my closeted self, because I might not be able to get a better opportunity to do something about it in the future.

The word 'otaku' is from Japanese language which means a homebody who often with an obsession about something (usually anime, manga, games or other indoor hobbies). The original meaning of otaku means 'home' or 'you', written as お宅 in Japanese. But later, the meaning extended to its current modern slang form and written in hiragana おたく or katagana オタク to be distinguished from the original meaning.

In Japanese language, the word often carries negative meaning, but when used in a specific context, it can be an equivalent to 'geek', most of time it means an anime or manga fan, not necessarily with social ineptness.

In Chinese language, the word 宅, which is a valid Chinese character, is taken directly to mean the otaku-ness, or as an adjective of being an otaku (despite its original meaning in Chinese language which also means home). A male otaku in Chinese is called a 宅男, whereas the female equivalent is 腐女 (lit. rotten female).

Despite its loan nature from Japanese language, the word 宅男, when being used in Chinese language, is generally understood as a homebody, without the specific obsession part in the more often usage of otaku.

This song with the title '宅' by Leo Ku uses a very smart play of the word. The theme of the song is about a lonely guy who became a homebody due to being single (implying that he ended a relationship). The lyricist uses the word 宅 to replace all occurrences of 在 in this song for their similar pronunciation, and verbalises the word 宅, effectively emphasises the theme and the title of the song. Creative. I haven't seen this kind of wordplay in other songs.

That being said, I really like this song for its creative value, and also the relevance of its lyrics to me.

每年的这个时候，我都会想用中文来写博文，也许是因为中文终究还是最亲近我的语言。

回头看看这24年来，自己做过了什么，完成了什么，达成了什么，还想要做什么，才发现自己好像做了很多事情，却又什么也没有完成，想要做很多事情，却又什么也没达成。

事业无成，伊人未见，家下不和。

回想起刚中学毕业的我，个性直率坦荡，敢做敢当，爱恨分明。嘴巴从不饶人，得罪的人不少，但是懂得欣赏的人也不乏。任性却有所坚持，易怒却易恕，狂妄自大却也受到认同。

看看八年后今天的我，个性虽然变得比较圆滑，喜恶不露于眉目之间，却是以面具示人。爱不敢说，恨不敢讲，口不出恶言得罪人，却也变得窝囊废。任性依旧却无法持之以恒，有怒气都往肚子里吞，内心自大却不敢表露，总是瞻前顾后，要为自己留个台阶下。简单来说，不外乎爱面子、贪慕虚荣和虚伪。

有谁来捡回那个从前的我？

每年的这一天都是那么感伤，但是又深知无谓执着。人生不过尔尔，明天一样要过，明年一样要过。就像唐诗《清明》一样，看似感伤，实则不过是大自然规律。用上“断魂”二字甚至让人联想到伤心欲绝、肝肠寸断，细读考究后其实不然，也不过是被雨水打得狼狈罢了，雨过天晴后一切回复原貌。

杜牧《清明》

清明时节雨纷纷，
路上行人欲断魂。
借问酒家何处有，
牧童遥指杏花村。

偶读诗书，附庸风雅一番。

这几天情绪低落，又适逢清明，所以写的尽是没有人要看的情绪垃圾，还望多包含。

I've heard people talking about the 30-year-old milestone for women. 30 is a big number for women. For those who are already in relationships, they want to get married before they reach this age. But for those not in relationships, they want to find the right man before 30.

I think the same applies to gay guys too.

I got to know a guy in his late 20's. He told me that he wants to find someone to settle down with. Hearing that from him, the talks of the 30-year-old milestone came to my mind. I suddenly realised that he's having the symptoms of facing the approaching milestone.

That backed me off a bit. And I stopped contacting him. It's not that I do not want to find someone to settle down with, but I wasn't sure about my feelings towards him, and I didn't know how long it would take for me to confirm the feelings. So I thought it's probably better for him to look for someone else rather than wasting his time on me being uncertain. I'm pretty sure if I were him, I wouldn't want to spend my critical year approaching 30, on a guy who might end up not the right person for me.

Somehow that 30-year-old milestone thing keeps wandering in my mind after that. Some guys are most attractive when they are around 30, but I'm pretty sure that for me, I would be even less attractive than I am right now. I would be as anxious as the guy to look for the right person by that time.

While I know well I must not rush into a relationship, I can't help to worry a little about my 30-year-old milestone too because time really flies.

Maybe I should really divert my attention to doing something else rather than thinking about this.

孤独只不过是一种状态
有什么难过也不值得大惊小怪
释不释怀
日子也不会给你个交待

一个人有一个人的痛快
说不定还可以 悟出了道理 换來谁喝采
来不及高兴就感慨

我对爱情还会有期待
一段感情结束还有后来
这感觉有好有坏
如你会明白你就会明白

我对缘分并沒有责怪
属于各自的明天总要来
沒有应该不应该
谁不是用伤口交换未来

我沒有能力向回忆抵赖
因为爱谁不曾死去又活來
我的底牌 你別急着掀开
多余的感伤都该淘汰

我想我值得被爱

Saatnyaku berkata mungkin yang terakhir kalinya
Sudahlah lepaskan semua kuyakin inilah waktunya
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang ku tinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Dan bila hatimu termenung bangun dari mimpi-mimpimu
[Mmm] Membuka hatimu yang dulu cerita saat bersamaku
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua di sini

Tak usah kau tanya kembali
Simpan untukmu sendiri
Semua sesal kau cari
Semua rasa yang kau beri