I'm curious about how is it like being a Malay, Muslim and gay at the same time. Can anyone enlighten me?
— rotiboy (@the_rotiboy) May 18, 2012

I tweeted about my curiosity on how is it like being a Malay, Muslim and gay at the same time. The reason being, I see more Chinese gay guys than Malay or Indian gay guys on Grindr. That makes me wonder, could it be because of cultural difference that makes more Chinese gay guys? And Muslim's religious views seem to be very much against homosexuality, while that's not in the case of Buddhism, Taoisim, Hindusim or Sikhism (at least not that I know of any absolutely opposing views from them).

soul232 took care to answer my queries.

But on second thought, I think I should probably write a post about how is it like being an almost free-thinking Chinese gay guy like me. I think it's good for us gay guys to understand each other who are from different cultural and religious backgrounds in the context of homosexuality.

I can't exactly speak for Chinese, and I doubt I know enough other Chinese gay guys to have a representative view on this. But at least for my case, homosexuality is not something that can openly discussed in my family. Not that my family is blatantly against it, but rather, I don't dare to talk about it with my family for the fear of disappointment of my parent. I doubt my family will disown me over this though.

Being born in a Chinese-Buddhist + Taoist family, I've never heard of anything from my religions and beliefs that have anything against homosexuality. In Taoism, we have Pangu who was said to have created the Heaven and Earth, Nuwa who was said to have created humans from clay, but I doubt any Chinese of today still think they are true. We are very much inclined to think of them as mythologies and believe a more scientific explanation of human evolution.

On the side note, I don't consider myself a Buddhist nor a Taoist, but I don't think this part of me makes me have different views on sexuality from a, say, practiced Buddhist/Taoist Chinese gay guy. Our religions have rules but it's up to us the believers to adopt it up to any level we want. I don't believe in religions but I believe in morality, ethics and philosophies. I believe the philosophical part of Taoism but I don't practice the rituals.

I have a conservative view on sexual activity and ideally, it should only be done between married couples, or couples who are sure to marry each other. In a gay context, to me ideally, it should only be done between very stable couples even since they can't get married in front of law and in a ceremony in Malaysia. But this is a very different view from most other Chinese gay guys who simply don't care.

Probably that's also because I'm a good boy. =P I don't drink and I don't smoke, too.

With regards to the process of coming out, I didn't realised that I'm not quite the same as others until when I was in high school. I accepted the fact that I'm gay when I was in university, but I decided to stay in the closet. And I fully stayed in the closet for about 5 years. It only takes me about two years from a fully closeted guy to someone who is starting to come out. But I guess those are more of my character than my cultural background.

How is it like being a gay like you with your religion and cultural background? I would love to know about anything, even if you're of the same cultural background as me. Link to this blog post if you're writing in your blog so that Blogger can automatically post a pingback in the comments and notify me (I think it does), or click the 'Create a Link' at the bottom of this page to post to your blog directly and notify my blog at the same time.

Okay, this is going to be a little related to politics. Before you roll your eyes on this 'blog post about politics', let's face it: being in a country with an established political system, everything in your lives is about politics. Your education, employment, salary, the place you live in (cukai pintu, cukai tanah etc.), the fast food you eat (service tax etc.), and even the water you drink (water supply) and air you breath in (law enforcement of air pollution prevention etc.) are all about politics. There's no way you can run away from politics. It affects every aspect of your life, probably negatively if you do not pay attention closely enough to safeguard your rights. Don't live thinking to stay away from politics because it is dirty, complicated and dramatic—it will hit you someday in some way.

Anyway, I'm trying my best to write this blog post more as an LGBT issue than as a political issue.

Malaysia has been well known for going against LGBT. From censoring Lady Gaga's song for its lyrics voicing support for LGBT people, to the suggestion to set up a camp to correct the behaviour of effeminate boys and the 180-degree change of the stance, banning of an annual sexuality rights festival which has been held without problem since 2008, to a protest for the 'rights' of Muslim to be against homosexuality and rally against 'unacceptable lifestyle' of LGBT people.

If you look at each one of them more carefully, they only became issues in recent years, not quite before the political tsunami of 2008. From this, anyone with a little understanding on Malaysian political landscape and a little common sense can easily tell that they are at least partially (if not wholly) cooked up by some politicians to gain cheap publicity. I don't think I should explain too much on how LGBT issues can help certain politicians garner more votes. But if you really need further elaborations, I will be glad to explain to you via emails.

In 2008, the alliance of the long standing incumbent parties Barisan Nasional (the National Front) won the election by a close margin over the alliance of three major opposition parties named Pakatan Rakyat (the People's Alliance). According to politics observers, the upcoming election will be another fierce fight between the two parties, and it's estimated that the winning margin is about 3% to 10%, which means 3% to 10% of the voters will decide which party gets to form the cabinet. 3% to 10% of the people is easily about the estimated size of LGBT people in Malaysia! In other words, if all of us register ourselves as voters, our demands (for basic human rights) will be heard and most likely be answered too!

Pang, the founder of Seksualiti Merdeka (and no, it does not mean seks bebas, it means freedom to choose the gender of our lover), wrote a very insightful blog post on what the Members of Parliament should do to get our support, which can be translated into what kind of MPs we should vote for.

I urge all of us to register ourselves as voters (it might be too late already if the election is held in June as rumoured, but we never really know when it will be held! It may be as late as 2013). Try to register as a voter in your hometowns, if possible—there may be hassles going back to your hometowns to vote but analysts say one vote in a suburban or rural constituency can be equivalent to 6 votes in an urban constituency. So your votes in Klang Valley is not as precious and as powerful as those in your hometowns.

And for those of you who are currently overseas, you may be eligible to vote too. But you need to register yourselves via the Embassy or High Commission of Malaysia in your respective country of residence. Even if you're considering to immigrate some time later, I know it's your right to choose to immigrate but I urge you to register and vote too. You are probably unhappy with this country to consider immigration but before you leave, please think of the plight of the rest of Malaysians who can't afford to immigrate. Your votes count.

Whether or not we can make a perception shift in Malaysians towards LGBT this time probably depends on how well we voice ourselves. Please voice your support on Facebook, Twitter or any other social networks you're in. Let the politicians hear us and make them know WE are the ones deciding who will be in the Parliament and so they better treat us well.

Really, now minority like us LGBT people have the real power of voting. Let's make use of this golden opportunity to demand for the basic human rights we have been deprived of.

Do you have a special preference on what race your ideal partner should be?

I thought being a very 'Chinese' person, I would only be able to accept a Chinese guy, too. I was quite against interracial relationship for myself due to cultural difference. But it turns out race doesn't really matter to me. What I mean is, if I fall in love with a Malay guy, it will be no different from falling for a Chinese guy. I still get the same lovey feeling, except when we go into a relationship, I might have to change my diet and lifestyle a bit. Other than that, love is still love, there's no such thing as Chinese love or Malay love or Indian love. (Okay-lah if you're more into sex, the same goes, too—there's no Chinese sex, Malay sex or Indian sex.)

I think it's okay to have a preference on the race you would like to be in a relationship with. Some guys even have a special fetish on a certain race other than their own. I know a Malay guy who prefers Chinese guys. When I asked for further explanation (because I couldn't comprehend why), he told me that he's fond of the 'scent' or pheromone of Chinese guys. I still don't really understand, especially when I don't even know if I can smell pheromones, but I accepted his explanation and respect his preference.

What I disagree with is to base our preferences merely on the prejudice we've got for other races. And unfortunately that happens to Chinese in Malaysia a lot, according to what I've seen. There's a fallacy among many (but not all) Chinese that Chinese is more superior than other races in Malaysia. What is it based on? Nothing, other than the prejudice against other races that they were less hardworking, less smart etc. As Chinese, while I'm proud of my heritage and culture, I often feel ashamed by this notion among the Chinese people. That opinion itself is exactly the thing that makes us less superior than other races IMO.

Other than that, we ourselves as gay have been discriminated enough, why discriminate others too? We all know how it feels, right? Having prejudice against other races is a form of discrimination. Same goes to discrimination against effeminate guys or transexual people. We can disagree with the way they behave physically, or the way they dress up, but we should not judge them by those. We may prefer people of our own race due to cultural similarity, but not because we feel our race is more superior without any other further reasons.

Anyway, everyone is entitled to their opinion. As much as I'm against having sex with someone you don't love, I can't stop you from doing it. Same thing goes to this case. While I disagree with the preferences that are based on prejudice, the people with this kind of preferences can still keep them. The most I can do is only to advise and advocate on getting rid of the prejudice and prejudice-based preferences, but I can't force you to submit to my opinion on this matter. It's the very same human right concept that LGBT people have been fighting for, "self-determination"—everyone has their right to have the autonomy on their own matters, including but not limited to deciding who they are, how they live their lives, and what they think and do.

I recently came across the phrase 同妻 (lit. "a gay man's wife") which means straight spouse. It refers to the women who are married to gay men.

A Chinese news channel had a cover story on these straight spouses recently.

Guardian UK also had an article dated years ago on the marriages between a straight and a homosexual person and the coming out of the homosexual spouses. The straight spouses were generally supportive of their homosexual spouses when they came out even though they have divorced.

But that's not the case for those straight spouses in the Chinese programme. Probably due to the norm of the society, the circumstances of the wives of homosexual husbands are usually not as optimistic as the ones from UK.

A rough estimate of the total number of straight spouses in China is said to be more than 10 million. That's easily two times the population of the entire Singapore.

The plight of these Chinese straight spouses include unhappy family lives, domestic violence, higher risk of HIV, pressure of public opinion and gossips, pressure from family to have children, depression etc. I guess the most direct one is that how can a person be happy to marry someone that does not love him or her? And I can hardly imagine how devastating it is for a woman to find out that the man that promised her happiness and stability for the rest of her life is gay.

Quoting from another Chinese TV programme that made the coverage on this issue, 'due to the ignorance of the traditional society, under the pressure from public opinion, 90 percent of gay man in China choose marriage, but most of their spouses know nothing about it.'

The keyword here is ignorance. Doesn't that sound similar to the Malaysian society?

The ignorance causes the heartbreaking stories and perturbing plight of the straight spouses. By making the society more homophobic, we will only produce more of these straight spouses in distress. Do we really want this in Malaysia?

So don't try to marry a girl when you know or even suspect you're gay.

The Prime Minister of Malaysia went to some community event and said that the Siamese community in the country will be looked after just like other bumiputeras.