Guy in the Closet

perhaps i was too used to putting hope in having a person to talk to, when in actual fact i don't really need one.

it turns out i can hardly talk about things regarding my homosexuality with the friend that i recently found out to be gay. he's gay, and so am i. but there's something unexplainable on this, i just feel he might not be as matured-thinking as i am (although we are around the same age) and we are talking to each other at a different frequency.

actually there's nothing to be glad about finding out a friend is gay, because that doesn't mean he is someone i can have a deep talk to.. and in fact i didn't realize i actually don't need to have that kind of deep talk with anyone.

so it is good being independent and self-sufficient.

i think i have got used to keep everything in myself without going crazy, i think my heart and mind can take it, even though it usually takes a little hard time at first in my previous experience. but as compared to what i've been through, this is nothing.

during my away for months, i got to know a lot of people, possibly the most ever i got to know in such a short period of time. and i kept contact with some of them.

I'm back
with a decision to leave in months to come.

another 12 hours i will be leaving this sin city.

for the past one week, i haven't been meeting my regular lunch mates. it's just that i don't want them keep interviewing me on the robbery. it's not a pleasant memory and i have been trying to get over it.

(this post was supposed to end here, but many other things came to my mind, so i continued typing...)

* * *

if it wasn't because being selected to go to that place for 3 months, i wouldn't have to leave home that day, i wouldn't have been there at that time when the robbery happened. the victim wouldn't be me if it wasn't because i was selected to go to that certain place.

probably it is fated.

i have always been believing in fate. but i never realized how one incident fated can bring to another incident - probably it is fated to come after another, and i never realized how helpless and insignificant a person is as compared to his fate.

probably it is really fated.

i have always wanted to quit my job, but i couldn't find a good reason to justify having to bear the breach of contract repayment, while i can still endure with things in my job. the robbery was probably an indicator. it was probably the best hint i was given to leave and to go for something i m better with. the 3-month away is also probably part of it - for me to leave my job temporarily to consider my resignation without mentally attached to my job.

* * *

losing a one-month old phone that costs more than 2k is really painful. i treated my dear phone so well. i almost named him, just that i didn't manage to find a good name. i rarely have the desire to buy stuffs, let alone expensive stuffs. it took me some effort to save enough money to satisfy my rare desire. so i treasure all the things i bought out of my desire a lot. plus, i don't have any other people that i can be emotionally attached to, so losing the phone is really painful.

feeling the pain emotionally is probably a test to me. getting over it means i gain a stronger heart.

another way of looking it, i have other expensive gadgets with me in my bag and my wallet was an expensive desire i entertained myself to and it contains my ID and cards etc.. maybe the robbers were glad enough to get an expensive phone so they didn't continue taking my stuffs. anyway, there would be more aftermaths to be dealt with if they took my wallet with my ID and cards, and it will caused me more pain if they took my notebook. looking from this perspective, my phone was the most disposable belonging at that time. i should be glad that they took my phone but not my other belongings.

on the other hand, a small and weak guy like me holding up a big and expensive phone is too flashy, and easily targeted by those fucking bastards. so i have decided that i will not get another flashy gadget to be targeted, until i get stronger. i want to learn self defense martial arts and i want to look strong.

another way to look positively, the desire to become stronger after the robbery will also make myself stronger. i just hope i have enough determination to become stronger and enough persistence to do whatever necessary to be stronger.

most importantly, i am still alive despite the knife could have probably taken away my life considering i was struggling during the robbery. i still remember clearly that one of the bastards pointed the knife on my chest but i was so panicked that i forgot not to struggle. if the stab reached my heart, i could have died on the spot.

不敢爱的人是没有资格幸福的
One who is afraid to love does not qualify to have happiness
所以我永远也不会幸福。
Which is why I will not get my happiness forever.

大概是有了这一世都单身的决心。
This probably is my resolve to be single for the rest of my life.




回家吧。
Go back home, dear self.

and i hate myself to appear to be (and indeed is) defenseless and an easy target for the fucking robbers.

hate myself.