Archive for December 2009

Lonely Festivals

I'm a loner.

I don't mix well with others.
I don't like crowded places.
I enjoy being alone in quiet places.
But at times, I do feel lonely.
Especially during festival seasons.
That's why I don't like festivals.
To some extent, I hate them.
When they are approaching,
I can feel the wave of loneliness
Coming stronger and stronger to me.

Dongzhi without tangyuan,
Christmas without gifts
And New Year without fireworks.

I'm feeling lonely now.


There is a girl I once thought I admired. I find myself too shy to confess to her face to face, so I confessed to her online. She brushed me off that time. But after some time, she made several attempts to hint me to court her. But I was too dense to understand her hints. It was until she was taken by someone else, then I realized that she has been giving hints to me. Sometimes, I wonder if I was on time to get her, I probably would not be a gay now (or probably I wouldn't become a gay so early). Anyway, my fate has decided so. There was quite some dramas between this girl and me, that we were almost somewhere but eventually not.

Then during my internship, I met a hot guy in the bus I took to and from work everyday. He wears an earring on his right ear, so I assumed he is a gay. Two months before my internship ends, I realized that it was now or never. I didn't want to regret in the future for not trying. I would rather be rejected and get over it, than be troubled by admiring someone secretly. So, I tried my luck. It wasn't a confession but rather a pick up line. I was too shy to speak it upfront, so I typed it in my phone. Anyway, he brushed me off. Knowing that I'm not "compatible" to him at all by appearance (esp. at that time) and physique, I was ready to be rejected. After that, I've never seen him in the bus anymore. I was somewhat regretful for what I have done. If I didn't take action, I could still peek at him in the bus.

Recently I confessed to a guy again. He's a junior from my uni. I started to notice him since I first met him in the uni after my internship. I didn't get to know him much until few months ago, when I started to get into contact with him via Facebook. My fond to him grew and I felt that I should confess to him. I asked a close friend. She told me not to hurry, but I didn't listen to her. I confessed to him and the response was that he already has a girlfriend. Since then, I see a lot of photos of him and his gf in my Facebook news feed. Anyway, I asked him not to let anyone else know my sexual orientation as I'm not ready to let anyone else know yet. He agreed and I trust him.

After that, I spent some time to seriously think about my sexuality issue. I have been too reckless in handling relationships. I need to think of the consequences - esp. on the high expectations from my mum. So, I decided that I will not confess recklessly anymore. I may not be able to keep my mum happy with me at all time, but at least I can keep myself from letting her down, even if that means I will have to hide my true self in front of her or anyone else (except when being anonymous in the blogosphere) for the rest of my life.

Maybe I'm thinking so because I haven't met the right person that I treasure more than anyone else. But at least for now, being a filial son is my priority.

Are you STRAIGHT?!

I find this video so true to an openly gay man. For some people, maybe it is not a big deal having to answer such questions. But for me, it will definitely get awkward.

I'm not coming out

That's right. I'm not coming out, which is exactly the reason I'm writing on this blog.

I come from an ordinary Chinese household in Malaysia. My father passed away when I was young, partly contribute to my sexual orientation due to the search for fatherly love.

When I was in Form 1, I was sexually harassed by a classmate. He groped me on my private part but I did not really push him away for his assault. Instead, I was kinda enjoying it (he is hot after all). I could have noticed that I'm homosexual back then. After that, he tried to kiss me on my lips openly in the school although it wasn't successful.

Since then, several other similar incidents took place in my adolescence. First, it was a senior who tricked me to a secluded place in school just to hug me from my back. Then, it was a classmate in a tuition class who did me a handjob in the tuition class.

Then I started to watch gay porn and got addicted to it. I was in denial for being a gay and I tried to watch straight porn, but soon I realized that only the male actors attract me. After several years, I finally I slowly accepted the fact that I'm a gay.

I know being a gay is not easy. My mother who brought me up has put very high hopes on me to make her proud. I did quite well in my studies and I landed on good jobs. So far I haven't let her down yet. She's looking forward to see me having my own family. She even volunteered to teach my children our mother tongue dialect (which I kinda lost since I started schooling) in the future, which seems to me that those are her dreams for the rest for her life. And so, I do not have the courage to let her know that I'm a gay.

On the other hand, I told myself that I will never marry a girl just to please my mother, unless I really love the girl (which I do not think will happen).

Okay, I'm bad in my writing. I don't know how to end this because my journey of accepting the fact that I'm a gay has only just started.

Until I have some other thoughts, goodbye, my blog.