I wanted to end the year with a happy post but I guess I just can't. My life and I are just too negative.

Ever since I was young, I've not been telling my problems to my family. My family has never been peaceful, I just don't want to bring more worries to the family.

I thought I was strong, to be able to keep things in myself and endure them.

But as I grow older, problems I face are getting more difficult. And as they accumulate, I started to realise that there will be a day that I won't be able to keep them all in myself anymore.

Posting on Facebook or Twitter is not the way to go. I don't want to catch the attention of people who know me. I just want to stay low profile. I don't want to sound like a whining boy to them.

So I started blogging. As much as I whine here, at least I'm somewhat anonymous. At least no one really knows me here.

But as I blog, I'm starting to care about what I write here. I don't want to write to myself here. I want to write something that somebody actually cares to read. So I started to think twice whenever I have a problem that I want to blog about. I try my best not to sound like an overly negative person. Sometimes I delete the whole post after finished composing it, just because I realise it is too negative and I'm afraid to lose more readers.

And so I tell myself to be strong, and keep the things inside myself again.

But I'm really tired. Tired of being strong. Or rather faking to be strong.

I'm actually not strong at all. I'm weak. Hopelessly weak.

I heard crying is actually a good way to letting it out and I tried secretly. But no, it doesn't work for me. I feel the sourness in my nasal cavity but tears just won't come out. It feels as if my body won't let me to be weak at all. I cry for others easily but I just can't cry for myself.

I know self-pity brings me nowhere and I should overcome it but I'm really not that strong.

Sometimes I wish 2012 would really be the end of the world.

I was playing some Christmas songs on YouTube and stumbled upon a song of a boy band that I was a fan of when I was in secondary school.

The music video and the dance are awkward and clueless but it's from about 11 years ago. (Wow. I've really become old.)

The name of the duo is called WeWe. The guy with long hair is Li Wei and the one in short hair is Lin Youwei. I was particularly a fan of Lin Youwei.

Super nostalgic. To think that someone as boring as me was once a fan of a celebrity. Anyway, I knew for a boy to be a fan of a boy band obviously marketed for girls isn't something usual. So I did not show too much fanship to them, but I secretly collected issues of entertainment magazines (that I don't normally buy nor read) with them as the cover.

Their singing wasn't impressive, neither was their dancing or any other talents in entertainment business. LOL I had to admit that I was only attracted by that pretty face of Lin Youwei.

I've put up some photos of them that I found from the Internet after the jump.

摸不到的颜色是否叫彩虹？
看不到的拥抱是否叫做微风？
一个人想着一个人是否就叫寂寞？

命运偷走如果，只留下结果
时间偷走初衷，只留下了苦衷
你来过，然后你走后，只留下星空

寂寞可以是忍受，也可以是享受
享受仅有的拥有

So the year is coming to the end and it's time for new-year resolution and year-end reflection and whatnots.

I never really practised this year-end reflection and new-year resolution thing because I thought as someone who always has an ambition in mind and has always been working hard towards it, those things don't really matter - you know where you are heading for and always keep track of what you have been doing from time to time.

But I think I'm going to do some reflection this year. Because I'm lost. Like really unsure of myself. And I have made too much mistakes throughout the year.

• I ended my job in corporate December last year. Right after that in January 2011, I joined a small company, working in the field I'm interested in, thinking that will be great for me.
• Part of my plan to work with this small company is to relocate myself to my hometown. So I moved back in March. Working from home, with long-missed home-cooked meals. Even the air feels fresher. Another reason to leave is to run away from various problems that I did not want to face, one of them being a relationship that I could never get. Told myself not to get into love again to avoid getting hurt.
• And when everything sounds great when I told my friends about my working condition, I'm starting to realise something I should have noticed earlier, something that deep inside myself is unhappy about this job. But I decided to look at the positive side - thinking that it's something that I have to endure to achieve success. So they are effectively swept under the carpet.
• Job motivation and self-discipline problem happens every few weeks. I can't get myself to perform well in job and I'm simply too lazy to get myself to work.
• Couldn't hold myself from looking forward for love again. Got on Grindr. Got to know some guys. Did something really stupid. Lost something precious. Learned a hard lesson.
• Then stupidly thought I found love but didn't know it was due to desperation. Got in a relationship within less than a week. Suddenly realised I've never really loved him. Broke up in less than two months.
• Then more work motivation problem. Realised work and life had become a total mess due to the absurd two-month relationship. More fixing up again.
• Family argument. Got hit by flying arrows out of blue. That became the catalyst of rethinking about my work and being at home.
• Decided to quit the job. Although I'm unsure of what I should do, this job does not suit me. Resignation will take effect end of January 2012. My plan is to take a few months break to think over what I should do.

This is probably my worst year in my whole life so far. I've made a lot of mistakes this year. Landing on this job is one. Moving back home to run away from problems is another. But for someone who doesn't have true friends around like me, I guess it's natural to want to run back to family when bad things happen. Still, mistakes made over the years (e.g. not making enough friends) led to many other mistakes. But then again, being an introvert person, it's not easy to make myself to mix around with people. So I guess another mistake I made over the years is not overcoming my introvert nature.

While there are a lot of slightly regretful things happened this year, at least I still learned some lessons. The hard way.

Looking forward, I should mix around more with people, befriend with some good people. Think more deeply before making decisions, make sure they are wise and not by gut feeling.

And no doubt of it, KL definitely has more opportunities than a small town like my hometown, be it job opportunities or opportunities to meet great people.

陳奕迅 - 多少

作詞/作曲：蔡健雅
編曲：李守信/金木義則/梁介洋/黃冠豪/石博元
製作：林暐哲

我用盡所有方式　找個人給我安慰
渡過寂寞的黑夜
我問守護的天使　也許她能夠體會
這無助讓我好累
走到無路可退　我還能相信誰

＃用多少天　用多少年的跌跌撞撞才找到終點
　用多少傷痛的心愛才不離開身邊
　用多少謊言去掩飾彼此的不完美
　要用多少個世紀讓我看透一切＃

我坐在這個城市熟悉用陌生的臉
有誰能給我安慰
原本守護的天使也許他能夠體會
這無助讓我好累
走到無路可退　我還能相信誰

REPEAT＃

我沒有任何防備
沒方向到處地追
沒翅膀卻好想飛
我努力順風跟隨
黑或白找不到個絕對 全都是灰

REPEAT＃

要用多少個世紀讓我看透一切