I'm finally off the project cycle. I'm now in the gap between projects where I can finally take a breath properly and rest.

My work performance has not been good lately. I need a short term change of environment for working to refresh my working mood. It's never been easy to keep up with the feeling of indolence when telecommuting.

It's always been a myth among the general public that working from home is great because the working hours are so flexible and we can save the time required to commute to work. I once thought that way too. But that's until the problem of indolence strikes me every few months. In reality, telecommuting requires a lot of self-discipline. I thought I was a disciplined person, but now I think I'm probably no longer a disciplined person. So I need external factors to push me working.

In a way, although I like my current profession, I don't think telecommuting suits me. I'm probably one of those people that has always wished to get a telecommuting job but in actual fact, not suited for it.

But since I have taken up this route, I guess there's no turning back at the moment. All I can do is to take some extra measures to make sure I do my job.

This time I'm going to try a workcation. Going to spend a week in an island and work from there. I've been there once when I was so stressed up with my office job and took a week leave for the island. It was great for me back then. I hope it still works for me this time.

Sometimes the lyric of a song speaks for me but this one even has its melody comforts me.

A friend posted a comment on one of my blog posts. There's a link (in traditional Chinese text) in the comment. Although the article was meant for a women's column, I think it reflects me quite well.

The article describes my current state so well and it summarizes it into four words: 寧缺勿濫 (lit. rather lacking than excess), meaning rather to be alone than to accept anything coming along. As analyzed by the author, people like this keep a distance and do not strike until they are very sure. And when they strike, they tend to hit it.

I cruise a lot on Grindr. More like kapchai or stalking enjoying to look at good looking guys. I seldom take an active role in starting a chat with other guys. But when I start one, it means I'm serious in wanting to know the guy.

But problem is, there are not many people like me these days. Most of them would rather accept anything coming along than be alone. So it's natural for them to just stop chatting with anyone abruptly because they have a better candidate.

The last minute, they say I'm cute. And in the next, they ignored me totally.

I get excited easily when I get a pleasant reply, but my feeling also also get stirred up easily when they suddenly left.

I'm having a hard time keeping up.

I think I should start not to dress up like a teenager.
Same goes to haircut and hair style.

I'm quite visual. When cruising the profiles (actually only stalking), I tend to look at good looking guys.

While I don't consider myself unsightly, I'm not really good looking either. I know it all this while, esp. that I'm losing more hair than a normal person does these days. I don't put up my profile picture because I've never been happy with how I look on the photos.

The appearance of the guys that I tend to look at is above myself. There are times that I feel like saying hi, but the thought that I'm unworthy flashes my mind and I always kill the intention to say hi instantly.

Back to stalking... =P

My old man syndrome is acting up again. I can't find good blog post from the community that interests me.

There are a few that I've read, but I have nothing to comment about. As for the rest, I don't even bother to finish reading them - too childish or too shallow or totally out of my interest.

Worse, even reading at the comment makes me feel irritated. I'm not sure why. Those comments that I've read lately are mostly flirting, or voicing disappointment because the blogger is not single, yada yada.

I hear a voice in myself asking why can't these people give proper views on the blog post.

Nah. Whatever. People have their rights to express whatever thought as they wish.

Okay, the feeling of being irritated is probably due to the hot weather, the lack of progress and motivation in doing my work, and the news of civil activists being besieged.

Seriously, that sounds so much like old-man rants.

If this happens to ladies in 40's to 50's, it's called menopause.

At times, I feel that my thinking is overly mature and rational for someone at my age.

It seems to me my thinking is not at the same frequency as my peers, esp. gay guys around my age. Yet they seem to be more able than me to get someone to date.

Is it being mature is not a likeable quality for someone at my age? Or is it not because my maturity but how boring I am?

Yeah, I'm a boring guy and I think it's not easy to make a change on that. Actually, I don't have much intention to change that part of me. I just don't like the feeling of faking interests and excitement.

And all this while my thinking is that I'll eventually find someone that know how to appreciate my characteristic.

Just saying~