Guy in the Closet

I set my phone to automatically records the conversation when I call or pick up a call. After each call, I would delete the recording if I think the call was not important.

But I kept all my conversations with A when he was away for his hometown last Christmas. We talked to each other almost everyday when he was not around.

So I listened to the conversations recorded a short while ago.

It's only now that I realise he was always chatty on the phone, while I was always cool and quiet.

He would show his affection to me by saying that he missed me, or sent me kisses over the phone. And I was too dense and rarely responded to him the same way.

Now I hate myself for being dense. I could have shown my affection to him the same way he did to me. I regret for not telling him how much I love him more frequently and more explicitly.

The last recording I had with him in my phone was his crying over D and me. I can't help weeping while listening to our conversation and how sad he was.

Too bad, my anger blinded me so much that I've deleted the recording of the argument I had with him right before we broke up. I wish I could know what the dense and blunt me has said to him in the argument.

But listening to our conversations during the Christmas season, it's true that I didn't treasure him enough.

All this while, I thought he didn't care about me enough and that he was self-centred. I thought he didn't love me enough to make him decide to leave me.

I know I hurt him before we've even started a relationship. But little do I know that I've hurt him so much until I listened to the conversations today.

I wish I had a chance to requite what I've done wrong or have not done enough to him.

I wish I could call your name again, A.

But I'm trying very hard to hold myself back. I wonder if you're doing the same, too? Or have you totally gotten over me already?

My life is never, ever the same again after being with you.