Guy in the Closet

maybe the ultimate reason is that i don't have the courage to love.

it's not that he's not good. i was happy with him. but when i calm down and start thinking everything over, i don't have the courage to continue.

i have things i want to achieve in my life. that involves leaving this country for maybe several years. i'm not sure if i would be able to continue my plan to leave by that time if i fall in love now. i don't see myself as someone who will be able to give him happiness in the future if i ever leave while he can't. i don't want to be in a dilemma to give up either my dream or love.

on the other hand, it's not like i'm going to live happily ever after if i choose to be with him and to give up my dream. he has told me, he can't assure me anything, and he doesn't want us to be couples, simply because he won't be able to in the future. he will have to get married someday and will have to leave me if we were couples. so he just wants us to be best friends forever. at first i told myself i can do this, but actually i'm not sure. it's hard to say what would i become, i might become greedy and want him to commit more, or start imagining more things with him. either way i will be disappointed. i simply don't have the courage to face the disappointment later on.

i think i m too scientific for love. subconsciously, i measure happiness in every way i can. in my current state being alone while able to cope with it, if i don't get into love, i will stay this and i will be safe. if i get into love, i will gain happiness momentarily, but when it ends, it will be devastating to me. i would rather my happiness to be evenly distributed over the years where i don't feel too happy nor too sad, than using up all 'quota' i get for happiness in a few years and live in sorrow and emptiness after that.

i don't understand love. i judge things easily by logic and sensibility. not that i want to, but i simply don't know how not to judge things that way. i can't push myself to go for a route that seemingly riskier to me, or maybe because there wasn't enough push for me to do so. i'm not sure. looking at the way things were, i think i have made the best decision from my judgement.

maybe love is just not the thing i want. maybe i just don't know what i want. maybe i just don't have the courage to love so i keep giving myself reasons not to love.

I realize I enjoy being alone more.

I actually feel placing my affection on someone real and reachable in my life causes me more troubles than the pleasure it would give.

And so, I've decided to leave again. This time I really don't seem to have any reason to stay anymore (yet I have several to leave).

It may be a pity as it ended up this way. But I feel freer. And I have recently diverted my affection towards a celebrity that I can never reach. I think my life has become as easy as before without those love worries.

Let it be my fault for not being faithful to my love.

我想我还是比较适合自己一个人过。

不是不爱他，只是我没办法做到他要的。

他说我们只能是朋友，偏偏又爱跟我说情话，让我没办法克制自己想要跟他进一步发展。

他要我跟他做可以说情话的朋友。我真的做不到。而且我会担心这份爱将来会跟我的理想令我两难。

就当作是我不爱了
关上门以后 就算爱你又如何

已经快三个星期没有跟他联络了。我生活依旧如常。我越来越搞不懂爱。之前明明就觉得它是爱，但是为什么没有了却又不痛不痒。有他的时候虽然不寂寞，但是会觉得要烦的事情比较多。没有了他，反而没那么多烦恼，虽然会寂寞，但是也习惯了。

今天收到消息，房东要收回我租的房子。这就是天意吧。当初改变主意选择留下来是因为他，现在既然已经不爱了，也没有理由留下来了。再多两个月半，我就离开了。这次应该不会像上次那样反反复复了吧。

Dear has been having reoccuring sinus... He intends to look for acupuncture treatment.
But I know nothing about acupuncture in KL/Selangor area. So I have to resort in finding out from my friends and I thought I can get some input from here as well.

Anyone reading this has any related info (e.g. location, price range etc.) kindly post it as a comment.

Thanks =)

roti: it's raining here. and i miss u, dear.
dear: i'm in train now. waa.. first time u say something like that to me.. making me smiling alone in the train.. i miss u too, dear
roti: lol
dear: i m wet because of the rain..
roti: u didnt bring an umbrella..?
dear: didnt know it would rain..
roti: i bring an umbrella everyday
dear: don't want.. so aunty.. so not masculine..
roti: (...-_-) ish bring a retractable one la.. not the mary poppin's one
dear: i only have mary poppin's one.. many of them
roti: lol. ok.. sounds like u r more willing to be wet than carrying an umbrella
dear: if u r holding an umbrella for me, i will be more happy
roti: ish.. we are staying so far away from each other.. like 20 stations away..
dear: only 19..
roti: more or less the same la..
dear: bueeekkk
roti: ;P


i like sweet little lovers' quarrels like this.

I'm conservative on marriage and sex. To me, sex should only be done with someone whom I would considered married to, despite I won't be married (by ceremony) to someone. (IMO between gay couples, there's marriage too, maybe just without the ceremony.)

So after Dear told me that he got turned on by my cuteness, as much as it sounded like a wet blanket, I wanted to make it clear to him that I will not involve in 'premarital sex', unless I'm sure that I will marry the person (by or not by ceremony).

He agrees and he said he won't take my virginity. But for the rest, he can offer by demand. I declined immediately, knowing he meant oral sex. I told him that to me, oral sex is still sex, which is something only between me and my lifetime partner.

I think that's my principle and dignity. And one really good thing about Dear is that he respects my principle. =)

That's at least for the current me. I might change in the future, but at least for now I'm holding up to this principle.