Sorry for not replying to the comments that you guys have posted, but I really have no idea what to write.

Being thrown away without knowing the reason is troubling for someone who values reasoning like me. I said I don't care, but that's only because I have no choice. If I had one, I would want to know the reason.

We've only dated for three weeks, and have not even gotten into a relationship. I know it sounds silly to say I'm hurt, but I really am. I still miss him. The only way I can keep myself from thinking about him is to keep myself occupied, with either work or dates. When I don't work, I go dating with (or rather just meeting) some other guys.

I still hold on to my principle of not having sex, so I'm just meeting the guys for coffee or dinner. So far no one clicks for me. No one makes me want to go out for the second time with him.

Every time I open up my blog, the only thing I can think of to blog about is things related to him. This makes me feel so much like what has happened to me in the past—was hurt and wrote weepy posts that no one bothers to read.

So I've decided that I won't blog again until I've fully gotten over him. Hopefully this can break the routine of opening up Blogger and starting to think about him.

Maybe I should stop blogging until this wound of mine doesn't hurt anymore.

— rotiboy (@the_rotiboy) June 29, 2012

Just let the time do its magic.

Loves Me Not
(feat. Meiko)

You say you do but you don't,
And just like a carousel, round and round you go,
My patience runs out the door,
When you tell me all the ways you love me,
But still ain't never been to my show.
Oh, oh oh...

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?
Foot on the gas...
The car keep stalling.
A passionate kiss...
With eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me not

You keep me out on a wire,
Somewhere between the "you" and "you and I",
My legs are getting so tired,
From hanging on your every word,
Making up excuses why
You can't make up your mind.

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?
Foot on the gas...
The car keep stalling.
A passionate kiss...
With eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me

Whenever he is lonely,
Or after watching a girly movie
Or he just needs a hand to hold
He loves me...
Whenever it's convenient,
Told myself each time he means it,
I happily play the fool.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
And then turn around and screen my calls?

Foot on the gas, car keeps stalling.
A passionate kiss, eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me not

He decided to stop dating me. He said he's having a tough time. He doesn't want to tell me or anyone and wants to be alone.

I was worried on what happened to him, and decided to show my concern. I texted him twice a day, in the morning when I wake up and at night before I sleep, just to let him know I was still there for him.

Apparently that's already too much for him. He begs me to give him some space.

Maybe I'm pushing him too far. Maybe two messages a day is still too much for him. Maybe he isn't into relationship with me at all. Whatever it is, I don't want to guess and care anymore.

Surprisingly, that one sentence is enough for me to decide to move on.

怎样爱才对呢？

我有前男友，但却不觉得自己真正谈过恋爱。对恋爱有认知、有微薄的经验，却还是不懂得拿捏。

我跟我唯一的前男友，开始得太快，在还没有真正认识对方前就开始了。结果交往后才发现双方思想、处事各方面都有很大的差距。甜蜜期只持续了几个星期，之后就一直为小事吵得不可开交。在交往快满两个月的时候，我提出了分手，因为我觉得我们两个人有太多的不同、太多的差距，拖下去只会继续互相伤害。

经过那次，我明白了交往前不管多甜蜜、多欣赏对方、多投入，都要对对方有相当的了解，才可以交往。再来，就是交往的时候不要许下山盟海誓、不要做白头到老的诺言、不要说想怎样跟对方度过以后的日子，因为万一感情吹了，它们只会造成更多的伤痛。

以为懂了这些，下一次恋爱就会美好。感情来了，才发现原来自己根本什么都还不懂。

我以为小心拿捏、多花时间了解他，就可以有稳定的基础。我努力压抑自己的冲动，不让自己全身投向他，让自己慢慢了解他，并适量对他表达爱慕和思念。

开始他也回应对我的爱慕，甚至要我多给他传简讯。之后他开始问我是不是觉得没安全感。我不解他为什么这么问，不过现在终于明白了。原来我平时每天都会告诉他我的行踪好几次，譬如吃三餐的时候，或是到达公司的时候。他大概是以为我以“礼尚往来”的方式，想知道他的行踪。其实，告诉他我的行踪，不是希望他也告诉我他的行踪，而是想念他了，却不想一味地说我想念他。是的，我日常作息、大小事都会不自觉地想起他，我想我是真的喜欢上他了。

那天我去了一个不适合我的场合，因为无法融入场合里，我一直不由自主地想起他，不管他回不回复，一个晚上传了四次简讯给他。怎知道他迟来的回复，竟然是说，根据他的经验，我一直挂念他是不好的，还说什么如果我们是注定一起的，就一定会一起。虽然我自己也认为他说得对，但是当下从他的简讯里读到这样的内容，心里很不是滋味。虽然我们目前还不到男朋友关系，但却是在交往的。对我而言，交往中的人互相思念是很正常的。更何况我不是同一时候跟多人交往来筛选男友的人，挂念得多应该也是正常的。想到这里，在加上酒精作祟，就决定为自己申冤，回复他告诉他我一向同一时间只跟一个人交往。怎知他会错意，以为我说他在跟我交往的同时，跟其他人交往，急忙跟我解释跟他吃饭的只是朋友。

没多久我清醒过来，才发现自己说了严重的话，急忙跟他解释。然后回想发生的这一切，得出得结论是我的简讯让他感到一些压力，决定隔天减少传简讯给他。

隔天，就真的除了早餐时传了一封简讯，一整天都没有再联络他。而他也除了早餐时回复的那封简讯，一整天都没联络我。

一直沉溺在自己的梦幻里，我才赫然发现，原来一直以来都是我主动传简讯给他，他鲜少主动传简讯给我。今天我快一整天没联络他，也不见他主动联络。开始想，我好像是一厢情愿。对他而言，我大概是可有可无的。

我以为有了上次的经验，这次会比较好，看来我还是学不会。

As mentioned previously, I was on the move to KL and now here I am, back in this city of opportunities and disappointments, hope and dispair, love and hate of mine.

I get a 'proper' job by the convention of the society (and my relatives)—work from 9 to 6 in an office, in a smart attire. I was looking up and down for a roof where I can land myself in this city. It wasn't easy, but I'm really grateful to the two kind souls who allow me to barge in their home for a month. Count myself lucky, one of them works really near to my office. So by staying with them, two main problems of mine, shelter and transportation are solved at once. And I get a breakfast and dinner mate and don't have to worry about where to eat, too.

But of course, I still have to look for my own place. The crib hunt is still going on. And again, I'm lucky to have several guys who are planning to move together and be my future housemates. So we can get a whole house unit and save a little on the rentals.

Work-wise, I wake up at 6 am every weekday morning, hit the bed at 10 or 11 pm almost every night. I don't have a lot of free time to do things other than my work. I don't get to watch TV shows, or play a quick game or two, or write for and maintain my blog, or ponder, or even read the news and articles I used to read on daily basis. But everything feels much more orderly than it used to be. Although there seems to be a lot of things that I'm missing out, I feel just right, as I know I'm going back to becoming the disciplined person I used to be. Hopefully this momentum is going to last long.

Being an active stalker on Grindr, some guys here approach to chat with me. I've had good chats with them and the feeling of being appreciated is building my confidence significantly from how it was. And most importantly, there's a guy who really, really 'clicks' for me. We met each other over a supper and it felt so right for both of us, so we started dating. The feeling comes a little too fast, but with my past experience, I think I know how to steer the progress slow and steady.

I think good times are really ahead!