Archive for October 2011


I think the reason I got tired of being in love so quickly is probably because I'm a loner. I enjoy spending time on my own more than I thought.

When we were having the relationship, I find myself losing a lot of time that I used to have for myself, and I missed those time I spent on my own. He really 'stuck' to me too much and I had to pay a lot of attention to him instead of myself and my work.

Right after the sweetest period, I realized that my life has already become a total mess. Other than having a lover, there's nothing else in my life that is properly in place.

I realized that other than love, I have lost everything else.

I think I love myself more than I love him. I still want to get some orders back to my life. If I can't cope with both, that probably means I'm not ready to be in love. If I can't have my cake and eat it, then I'll just choose whichever that brings greater good for myself. Utilitarian style, although it's only within myself.

I don't know what's in me that keeps him so attached to me. He just sent a few messages to me via Whatsapp. The contents are touching. He said he will wait for me for even ten years. I did not reply. I don't mean to doubt his sincerity but things are just too vulnerable to change. I thought I would love him for the rest of my life but it turns out I love myself more and I have to leave him. I never thought I would be the one who ditches another but I am now. Things are always not the same as we thought.

The past week has been pleasant for me. By ignoring and not replying to his occasional calls and messages, I was able to get back to the life I used to live. Everything feels more in order again. And I feel that I can pursue my ambitions again.

I might no longer be able to enjoy the pleasure of having someone to hug, but I gain back the simple happiness for being alone quietly.

I'm happier living this way. At least that's what I think for now.

I'm a Jerk

I don't know what is happening to me. It's only been 1.5 month and I'm already feeling tired of being in love. I feel I'm such a jerk.

I had never fallen in love until I met him. We fell for each other so quickly that I find it incredible.

Ever since I'm in love with him I find it super hard to manage my time well for my work and my own life, at the same time taking care of his feeling and spending time to have lovers' talk with him.

It was all sweet and full of happiness. But now when the sweetness is gone for me, all that's left is just a mess in my life.

Dear sticks to me too much. He needs me to repeatedly saying 'I love you', 'I miss you' in both English and Mandarin, and both in Whatsapp and voice call so many times a day. Now that the sweetest period is over for me, I feel that all these words are becoming chores for me, especially when I'm busy with other things. And when he manja to me for these words, I say them while rolling my eyes (I know I'm totally a jerk).

It's not that I don't love him - I think I still do. But I guess I love myself more. I'm a loner that enjoys being spending time on his own (Probably I have learned how to enjoy and get used to being alone over all these years). I have many things I would like to achieve for myself in my life. This love has become a burden for me.

I feel like stopping this love.

I'm a jerk. I know. But how do I break it to him?

On and Off

I've been busy both in love and work. It is only when Dear and I are officially together that I realize being in love can be hard to, in terms of time management - as in there are too many things that I need to do. Like everyone else, I have to work to earn my living; I have things that I want to achieve in my life; and now the latest addition being I want to be in love with Dear. Time never seems to be enough. So far I could only do one of them well at one time and I'm still trying to increase my capacity.

It feels like a miracle to me to have someone that loves me that much and is willing to tolerate my temper, impatience and principles that may be unreasonable for some people. Dear, however, is much more simpler than me. He is contented and happy enough if I can say I love him (considering I'm not verbally expressive on love matters). And if I don't reply to his messages quick enough, he gets really really sad.

I don't like him being too emotional like that. But looking from a different perspective, that shows he cares about me a lot. I'm starting to feel Dear being too emotionally attached to me like this, is bringing problems to me. We've had arguments on issues directly or indirectly related to such emotion of his for several times already but so far we managed to pull it through and tolerate each other. I also realize that when I take care of his feeling and pay attention to him, I tend to fail in a way or another in my work. But what to do? I'm really in love with him, so I guess that's at least something that I need to work out.

As for work, I was thinking to get another job, or even go for further studies. But when my mind settles down a bit, I don't think I want to further my studies that much. I talked to my former lecturers and colleagues from my former uni, studying does not sound as attractive to me as it was when the idea of quitting first came to my mind. Furthermore, going for studies would mean leaving Dear for around two years and I don't want that.

When furthering my studies is crossed out from my options, I'm left with quitting this job and get another one. My boss seems to be pretty good in sensing my intention to quit (or I'm probably really bad in hiding it). He offered me a new salary scheme that would relief my stress in work, asked about what I really want to do (and I told him things that I want to do and within the company's business area) and let me do them, enforced some cultural changes in the company to reduce meetings and anything other than my core skills. I must say my boss really nailed it and I decided to give it a run for another few months and not tendering my resignation for at least until end of the year. So the soonest I would leave this job (if I do) is probably February 2012. But at least I can say I'm lucky to have a boss that really appreciates my service and wants to retain me badly.