this week is so long... I felt like I have done so many things in work already yet it is still middle of week.

please be more careful, omgoodness...

another careless mistake you're exposed, dear.

Spent the day doing cleaning. Initially only wanted to clean my room. But beh tahan with how dirty the house is, so cleaned the house as well. Then wanted to go for bath, found out the bathroom is dirty as well, so cleaned it up. Then wanted to use the toilet, but the toilet is so dirty. So at the end, cleaned up the toilet as well. Then finally going to bath but realized my clothes need to be washed as well.. so washed the clothes edi... finally taking bath... sigh. so tired.

the house is full of hair. the bathroom and toilet are worse - full of hair with sludge. none of my housemates clean those up.. all princes and princesses who don't dare to touch dirty stuffs.. wtf. if u don't dare to touch dirty stuffs then how do u bath? for sure ur body has got sludge as well. those who drop hair the most don't even sweep the floor... the rest just go out for the whole weekend to avoid household chores..

hmph! there're still so many unpleasant things even not working.. i just wish i could leave as soon as possible, leave the job and eventually this place.. *runaway mode* find a place more gay friendly, find a place people are more understanding and no pressure being gay. find housemates who give basic respect to gays as much as to any normal person...

i think i m getting more 愤世嫉俗... (lit. angry with the world and resentful to the culture) =[

I think I have forgotten how to be happy.

I have not felt happy for such a long time. The last time was before my graduation when I had a crazy hang out with my uni mates. We did lots of crazy things that day. I laughed a lot that day. Laughed because it was really funny. Laughed because I was really happy. I spoke like me. I laughed like me. I did crazy stuffs like me. I felt I was me again after so long.

I tried to do the same during recent hang out, but it feels so different. It felt like I was forcing myself to be happy. My laughter wasn't that natural. It didn't feel that happy has the one before.

I have lost the feeling to be happy for so long again.

http://lby1985.blogspot.com/2010/03/blog-post_23.html

如果你問一名同志，問他(她)為何之所以會變成為同志？我想，這個問題勢必是無法述說的！是沒有答案的！

研究報告證實，一個人到底同志不同志，乃在於還沒出世前就註定好的，那全是XY基因染色體在結合方面出現了異變。
嚴格來講，(這是最新的醫學研究指示。)真正要追究就得說起生他(她)們的母親，是她們在即要臨盆前的那幾週或幾個月，因為分泌不尋常的女性荷爾蒙所導致新生命有著〝高〞機率的同志傾向。
當然囉！也有人是因為後天的環境及因素，而轉性成為同志，但那是極為少數的。

根據台灣同志人口初步估計，同志佔全台灣人口的十分之一，相當於2300000人，甚至更多！
深信每個人都曾被灌輸過這一套〝男大當娶，女大當嫁〞的傳統刻板觀念，我也不例外。印象中，在我還沒讀國小時，母親常對我說:「你長大結婚後，還愛不愛媽媽。」青春期開始，親戚們則會陸陸續續的問起我:「你有沒有交女朋友呀。」之類的話題。他們的詢問，總是帶給我一絲敏感！結婚生子對我來說，絕對會是比脫褲子放屁還要來得不實際。
記得小時候，經常跟隨著父親去超商購物,總是會有那麼幾次的，父親會去購買他的內褲 ，那是我最高興的時段，每一次在他(父親)挑選的同時，我都會很專注的看著內褲包裝上的男模，看著模特兒的身材和那一包，且是看得興高采烈又欲罷不能。那時我還不知我的行為已經是異於常人，也沒想那麼多…。
直到我上了國中，我終於知道真相！那個時候，我是極力的在排斥那另一個我，對女生還抱有著一絲感覺。
就在國二時，我頭一次感受到戀愛的氣息，對象是位女生，就那麼1次的告白， 我被對方拒絕了。 內心非常痛苦，體會到極大的挫敗感！ 因此之後,我就對女生充滿了排斥感；再也沒有任何感覺(情)了 。
有的，也僅有欣賞女性那純純的體態美感,我的欣賞是不帶有任何的性及慾望 。
就這樣，我註定要當一輩子的faggotry(男同志)。
我的猜測，或許最初的我是個雙性戀者,但最終還是讓同性的一方戰勝了異性的一方。
終於在我14歲那一年起，我開始背負著說謊及偽裝的〝職責〞生存下去。
至今已有十幾個年頭之久…。

李安是我非常喜歡的台灣導演，就在我大學時期，一部電影作品轟動了國際影壇。是的！那就是 斷背山 。
當年在DVD發行的首日，我就立即的跑去購買。
對我來說，這是一大挑戰！不論是對於買方的我或賣方的店家，雙方都有幾分尷尬。那是我有生以來第一次做出類似〝出櫃〞的舉動，雖然那是個如此渺小的行動。
更是讓我有挑戰性的是接下來的〝闔家觀賞〞時間。
在此說明一下。我的家族是個極為反對、討厭同志群族的〝反同志者〞，對他們來說，同志(當然也包含著雙性戀者及跨性別者)是個極為噁心、變態及唾棄的東西！在這樣環境下長大的我，哪有那個膽量向父母坦白我的性向。
果不出我所料，他們是一邊觀看並同時侮辱批評著的把〝斷〞片看完。
父親更是言重。當時他說出一句話，那句話讓我印象深刻，深刻到有所憤怒！
他說：「社會上怎麼會有那麼骯髒的〝生物〞，有女人不要偏偏要去找男人插屁眼……。」他以台語說出他內心的作噁感。父親不把同志當人看待，而是歸類為生物，既是低等的生畜。
你說！有哪位同志聽到此話會不生氣的。

如今的我已經二十多歲，沒有任何戀愛經驗。母親卻已經開始關心起，一不二時便會問起我，有關愛情方面的事情。我知道她只是隨口說說，其實我可以感受得到，她的內心是期待著我那麼一天的來到。(帶著女朋友回家的那天。)
真是該死！我為什麼就得面臨到這種不必要的婚姻壓力。我心想再六年左右，這壓力不將再是那麼的單純，我一定會死在相親的環境下，該怎麼對父母表明我的性向呢？這是一門考驗。
但我還是做出了行動！前陣子我出外，短居了1年的期間。
某一天的我心情遭透了…。
我借酒壯膽似的，那是個臨時起意，我拿起手機，撥打起家中的電話，是母親接聽的，無言了一回兒，我在猶豫。
或許是因為我見不到對方吧！？
開口並不如想像中的困難，我深吸一口氣並開口言語，終於我是大辣辣的說出我的性向。母親嚇壞了！她不知要向我說些什麼？肯定的，她是無法接受我的出櫃。
她換手將電話轉遞給父親。
父親比母親更加難以溝通，堅持認為這只是我暫時的性別錯亂，我一再否認他們的說法，夫妻倆不想再多說…，是絕對理性化的中止這通來電。
終究是有返家的一天，見面的第一眼，父母則是刻意到什麼都不說，彷如出櫃一事從未發生過，直到如今也是如此。
究竟出櫃或不出櫃，決定權都在自己！而我選擇了出櫃，那只是一種自我解放的表現手法。
但我還是希望，他們夫妻倆能夠正視的與我溝通。

我經常對著那些接納我的性向的朋友說：「我很幸運，有著你們這些朋友，讓我的生活不再是那麼狹小。」
記得，有那麼一位朋友，在我們還沒認識之前，她主動的還找我聊天，他問我是不是同性戀？她的眼神帶有一絲的期待，同時也摻雜了少許的罪惡。想必，她的內心一定是這麼盤問自己「我是不是問了不該問的事情？」
我毫不猶豫的對她坦承她想知道的答案。
這是我的觀察及認為，當一個管他們是男或女，會主動地想要瞭解你的性向時，那個人絕對是友善而真誠的，怎麼說！？

1. 有一個人會主動的跟你(妳)聊有關〝同志〞性向的問題，那就表示，此人是個能接納或支持同志的人。

2. 或許該人也有著同志方面的性向和質疑，再者就是他(她)的周圍也有著同志的朋友或家屬。

3. 如果該人是反同志者，那他(她)絕對不會主動來問「你(妳)是同性戀嗎？」此行為是多此一舉的！真要作出行動也一定是說出一些侮辱同志的術語「死同性戀！死玻璃！娘娘腔！死變態！……等。」，不然就是不表示意見的靜靜閉口不說。

透露中表示，她懷疑她的老弟也有著同志的傾向，她無法判斷是否要跟她弟弟講這件事？
天呀…萬萬不能！
我向她說：「不行！妳絕對不能跟她討論這件事，這會壞了你們姊弟間的有情，更會受創了妳弟的心靈層面，使他感到有所罪惡。」
「什麼都別說。」
我說：「等到他接納自己、認同自己。他覺得時機對了，自然會有所行動。」
「如果一輩子都無能放鬆內心的那個死結，那也就算了！」

同志所要的不是同情，也不是虛偽的包容。我們要的很簡單，就是大家能夠開懷擁抱的認同及認識我們，在社會上所受到的待遇是平等的，是有一席之地的。
我們同志不偷也不搶，性侵害、性騷擾案件也比正常人少之又少，幾乎沒有。愛滋病人口數據，也比一般人來得要少。為何像我們這樣的優良公民，就得遭受到如此的對待及歧視，就因為掛著〝同志〞兩個字。這太不公平了！
我並非在炫燿同志有多麼的…你知道的，我只是實話實說罷了。

同性戀……。
如此簡單又獨特的字言。
我聽很多人說，同性戀就是會感染愛滋病！(誰說的！難道異性戀的就不會，假神聖。) 同性戀就是有罪！他們違背了自然的法則。(何謂法則？傳宗接代嗎？得了吧…，全世界能〝傳宗接代〞的人不差我們這些同志。) 同性戀就僅會造就社會的問題！(吃屎把！別把少數的案例，當作全世界的同志都是如此。) 同性戀注定著一辈子孤單到死去的那天。(這干你屁事。)

〝同性戀〞簡單的說，就是在性選擇方面，所想要寄託的另一伴會是個跟我一樣有一條陰莖的男人；跟她人一樣有著一對美而艇的胸部的女人，就是那麼單純再不過了。
同性戀依然要在職場上工作，一樣必須經歷生老病死的人生階段。吃同樣的食物，吸同樣的空氣，接收同樣的文明資訊……。
論他(她)是同性戀或是異性戀，每個人都有權利去選擇所愛的人，不該再受傳統的觀念所遷拌，而讓它成為不必要的絆腳石。
期許有朝一日，台灣的同志團體不再是個走暗路的低調族群。
就像六色彩紅旗一樣，能夠活出彩虹色般的人生。

身為同志，我身感驕傲。
全世界的同志們，加油！！

I'm having a bad feeling. I think my housemates might have already known that I'm gay.

My housemates and I have always been making fun of each other, but these few days they have been making fun of me with gay topics. The words they use on me sound like they know something.

I think I'm in trouble. What should I do? I'm not ready for this yet. *worried*

Weekend is finally here~!

I feel a bit of relieved for being able to take a little rest... but it's always too short =(

My senior ajak me to hang out tomorrow! Looking forward! This senior is really nice to me. He told me that he's worried that I will be bullied at work. Haha. Maybe he immediately thought that it doesn't sound right saying it that way - maybe he immediately regretted for saying so. Maybe it sounds stupid but I was really happy to hear it.

I have always wanted to be protected and be worried about. Maybe because my family has always put the least worry on me, as I have always been acting as if I have nothing for them to worry about. Stupidly contradicting.

Senior is someone that I have always looked up upon. We were in the same high school. He was three years more senior than me. But he was very famous in school. He was a high achiever in academics, and also a state level (if I remember correctly) athlete. He has won so many prizes and fame for the school and himself. I was a young little unknown junior to him and has always been looking up upon him. I wanted to be as famous and as great as him. He's like a role model to me, someone whom I wanted to be (anyway, I'm in no way close enough to his level).

I remember the first time I met him in company, I couldn't believe that I'm now working in the same company as him. My friend was introducing him to me, but before my friend told me his name, I already said it out. It almost feels like your idol is now your colleague, which is so unbelievably surprising and exciting. Senior and my friend were both surprised to hear me saying out the name.

He has told me that he wants to drag me out for long, because I stay at home too much. I know well that as much as I don't like crowded places, I won't mind to go out with him, because it feels good to have someone to care for me and I want to continue to be cared about.

Anyhow, senior has a gf. He's not gay. But I feel happy enough for having a big brother like him.

Crazy me.

I'm sorry, this is another work-related post.

WTF!!!!

FYI, I just joined my current company few months ago. My probation period was supposed to end in February, after I have submitted my log of assignments and approved by my uppers. I was forced into my current job, when I have not much interest in what I'm doing (instead, I have more interest in what I WAS doing before I get this job).

This few weeks have been hectic. Another colleague (slightly more senior than me) is away for a business trip. I had to do what was supposed to be done by two persons, which results in me neglecting my assignments log which was supposed to due last week.

I have to admit I'm bad in multitasking and time-management and prioritizing tasks and anything along the lines. This morning I finally submitted my assignment log to let my direct supervisor see. He doesn't seem to care much about it, as he didn't glance a bit on it. And I have no time to care about him checking my log or not, as I have other administrative work prior to my business trip tomorrow that is urgent and no one would do it if not me.

After my bosses have left the office. I finally settled down with my work, and realized that I haven't reminded my direct boss on my log.

So, I decided to send an SMS to my direct boss. That's where it starts all the WTFs.

My second level boss got to know about the news that I'm not confirmed until now. He sent an SMS to me blaming and questioning me why am I late in my confirmation, telling me that no one would be able to help if I don't take care of my own career, and that I should complete my log quickly and cancel my business trip if necessary.

Obviously he didn't know the whole story, except the part that I haven't submitted my approved log to HR.

WTF! I have completed my log and submitted for my direct boss's verification this morning. I felt the need to explain myself on this. So I replied on it, and nothing else on his questioning.

He replied why now, and said that he doesn't want to hear excuses. He also told me to make sure HR get it on time, and that I'm old enough to know what's important and what's urgent.

WTFF!! I was only explaining the part that he misunderstood, and I did not make excuses for the part that I'm in fault. Not to mention about the part where my direct boss is in fault - he has been chit-chatting and doing non-work related stuffs so much for today but which part of the log has he read? WTFFF!!! And how dare he complains to the big boss that I do not care about my career etc. when he saw I have not rested for a minute for the past 2 weeks?! WTFFFF!!!!

WTFFFFF!!!!! And I'm indeed very confused with what's important and what's urgent because:
- my direct boss told me I should complete the log at my own time because it is for my personal benefit.
- my direct boss told me to do something urgent, but when I completed it and let him see, he decided to leave it for tomorrow.
- my direct boss and big boss have been pushing me into completing the prior work for the coming business trip this morning itself. Little do I know my personal assignment log would be more important than this fixed and set trip.

WTFFFFFF!!!!!!

AND, I didn't choose the job on my own will, and I have clearly stated to them during the interview that I'm interested in technical job, i.e. not the current job, and that my expertise has always been on the other side, but they insist of taking me in! Of course I would care less about this job than anyone else! What else do you expect when you force me to join you?! WTFFFFFFF!!!!!!! I thought they should be grateful enough when someone who is not interested in this job at all still work with responsibility and volunteer working extra hours when everyone is trying to escape! WTFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!! My extra hours spent has been taken for granted and not appreciated and when I don't work the extra hours due to that, my direct boss told the big boss that I don't prioritize my work. WTFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

I hate all of you. I wish I don't have to face you fake people! I wish not to hear your time consuming lectures when what is more important is to fix the wrongdoings in time. WTFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!! I don't know how all of you cunning and untruthful creatures think and am not interested in thinking your ways.




I'm clearly bursting all the non-related things altogether because I'm indeed very furious now for being scolded unreasonably.

You can scold me on me being late in my submission, but not scolding me for giving excuse when I was not, and not scolding me for not caring about this job when I took care to complete the log, and not scolding me for not knowing what's important and what's urgent when you're the ones who confuse me this morning itself.

I wish I do not need to face you to hear your lectures! But I'm very very sure I'm going to have to hear it the day after tomorrow when I see them again. WTFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

Well. Today I'm not going to talk about my gay life and thoughts. Instead, I would like to talk about my work.

My work is no good. Maybe I do not have enough experience in workplaces to know what is a good job. Or maybe I'm just too ambitious and idealistic.

To many, my work is good. The pay is slightly more than average (although lowest in the industry). I get to travel from time to time. Currently I get to travel domestically, and most probably will get the chance to travel overseas in a few years. The benefits provided by the company is good, although in exchange I have to comply to some of the seemingly ridiculous codes of conducts.

I want to work in technical field of my background, but ended up in a management work due to hardly avoidable circumstances. Doing management work means I have to deal with budgeting for the department, collecting training plans, keeping track of and giving out stationaries, sending documents to other departments, booking flight tickets and hotels for business trips etc. On the other hand, if I were to be in a technical job, I only need to have the know-hows on the technical side, and the most non-technical thing that I would have to do is only my claims and allowance. It really makes a difference to me when I'm so passionate with my technical skills and knowledge but I'm forced to work on a largely non-related job and not able to resign for a long time. I'm totally not good in doing management work as I've realized long ago since my uni days. I don't do well in managing clubs and events - to certain extends, I don't even manage myself well. God knows why the hell my employer insists on taking someone who is not good in managing to do management work.

The pay I get now is higher than working in my technical field. But it doesn't make sense to me to earn more money in exchange of doing what I don't want to do. I would rather get a lower pay doing something slightly more of my interest where I'm more skillful and confident in.

It is so sad for a 21-y.o. young chap like me to graduate so early. I feel like I haven't enjoyed my teen life enough before my working life. I know well of the good old Chinese saying "吃得苦中苦，方为人上人", which means a person who can endure the most suffering sufferings will become the best person among the people. But I think I'm more of a hedonist and I'm not that ambitious to be the best person. ;P

Okay, enough ranting. Tomorrow is another working day. =S

Well, reality.

When someone 'friend'/'heart'/'message' you, you put a cold shoulder to him because he doesn't look good enough for you. And when you 'friend'/'heart'/'message' someone else, he cold-shoulders you because you don't look good enough for him.

Reality.

I put my travelling status on the gay social networking site that I have joined recently. The next day, there's a sudden pop on the message in my inbox. All of them come from my travel destination, either asking to meet up or befriend with me.

It's obvious. They are not exactly looking for friends, but some no-strings attached actions.

I'm conservative. I think love should come before sex. Therefore, I told myself only to have sexual relationship with the one I love.

I really need to snap out of this... but I'm struggling.

I logged in with hope to see something that I wish to see again. I really shouldn't have placed hope on this - I should know how unlikely it would come true.

Hey, please wake up. Don't get drown in the false hopes. Your life, real life needs to go on.