Guy in the Closet

Rotiboy is no longer here anymore, but a homosexualist is born at Musings of a Homosexualist (link updated. Change from Tumblr to WordPress due to discovery of several limitations of Tumblr).

Rotiboy is no longer in the closet, therefore he left this blog.

电视连续剧都是荼毒人心的坏玩意儿。

现实人生里是没有《李大仁》、《程又青》的。

生病了要自己看医生、自己吃药。世上没有会把药饭送到你床前的王子

只有自己是自己的王子。

也许是太久没有性生活了，今天终于按耐不住心里的饥渴，放纵了自己去满足自己的兽欲。跟我一起放纵的对象其实也算有文章，但是关于他的身份，还是留到改天再写吧。

对象各方面虽然说不上是完美，但是都相当优。个性和身体都是我欣赏的类型，整个过程又非常符合我的个人口味。这个男人仿佛是沙漠中的绿洲、久旱后的甘霖，止了我的渴、滋润了我被欲望吸食得干竭的身躯，甚至让我觉得是我从前以来最让我享受的肌肤之亲，带我到了我从没到过的禁地。

这场大战，像是鸦片一般，让我念念不忘、欲罢不能。我不是一个经常饥渴得到处求人入境的人，但经过这一次，我真的很想再让他重复入境。

于是我留言告诉他，说我很享受跟他亲密的时候，希望还有下一次。他也回复说会有下一次。但是我却由不得自己又胡思乱想，到底他是不是在跟我客套，到底我有没有也满足到他的欲望。

觉得自己好贱，但是却又没有不能办法不渴望他再次入境。

我对台湾偶像剧相当反感，总觉得剧情超现实、演绎夸张、制作简陋。但是基于朋友大力推荐，我决定把这部已经不流行的台湾偶像剧用心看一遍。

《我可能不会爱你》。

I'm missing A again.

感情上的挫败，在所难免。而挫败后的失落感，不单是难免，更是难耐的。套林宥嘉《说谎》的歌词里其中一句：“我又不脆弱，何况那算什么伤，反正爱情不就都这样”，难道我没更痛彻心扉过吗？

Apparently the best healing potion for me is meeting someone new.

I set my phone to automatically records the conversation when I call or pick up a call. After each call, I would delete the recording if I think the call was not important.

每个人的生命里，会出现很多人
有的来了就走
有的多逗留了一会儿
有的走了又回来。

我遇上了交通意外，人没事，但车子大概要住院一两个月。

突然觉得好脆弱。

想起了我跟他峰回路转的爱情。他总是怪E君把我抢走，然后又怪我当时刚买的车，让我有机会跟E君见面，然后发展关系。他甚至说他曾经有想砸烂我车子的念头。

It was all fine.

Until I accidentally recalled it was his birthday.

Crying is really a good way to vent out, especially when you're picking up the pieces from a breakup.

From my recent episodes, I'm picking up the pieces to move on. While I'm on it, I'm writing down how I'm doing it, just in case they are helpful for anyone in the future.

As much as I'm reluctant to, I have to admit this is the end of my third relationship.

A lot has happened while I was away from this blog. I got into a dramatic relationship.

A and I were chatting well and all. It was all fine when we had dinner on our first meeting. It was only until the end of the date that we turned sour. After that, we'd never contacted each other for months.

A relationship is like a series of tests; for some of the tests, if you ever fail them once, you'll never have a chance to retake them again; and for some of them, failing them would mean the end of the relationship.

Choose your subject wisely so you don't fail the tests.

After deserting my blog for some time in order to help myself getting over him, I think I'm finally not clinging over the past any more. So here I am, back to write again.

This could be a delusion of mine, I don't know how but somehow I've come to the conclusion that a relationship that I appreciate, when it's written out before it gets stable, won't end up well. It could be because by writing it out here, I would start to put some kind of expectation and things always tend to go extra bumpy for me when there's too much expectation.

All of this delusion of mine reminds me of the wuwei theory of Taoism. I have not been able to understand how this concept works. So finally there's something I can put into practice in my real life that relates to this concept.

So how am I now? This song pretty much summarises it all.

Sorry for not replying to the comments that you guys have posted, but I really have no idea what to write.

Being thrown away without knowing the reason is troubling for someone who values reasoning like me. I said I don't care, but that's only because I have no choice. If I had one, I would want to know the reason.

We've only dated for three weeks, and have not even gotten into a relationship. I know it sounds silly to say I'm hurt, but I really am. I still miss him. The only way I can keep myself from thinking about him is to keep myself occupied, with either work or dates. When I don't work, I go dating with (or rather just meeting) some other guys.

I still hold on to my principle of not having sex, so I'm just meeting the guys for coffee or dinner. So far no one clicks for me. No one makes me want to go out for the second time with him.

Every time I open up my blog, the only thing I can think of to blog about is things related to him. This makes me feel so much like what has happened to me in the past—was hurt and wrote weepy posts that no one bothers to read.

So I've decided that I won't blog again until I've fully gotten over him. Hopefully this can break the routine of opening up Blogger and starting to think about him.

Maybe I should stop blogging until this wound of mine doesn't hurt anymore.

— rotiboy (@the_rotiboy) June 29, 2012

Just let the time do its magic.

Loves Me Not
(feat. Meiko)

You say you do but you don't,
And just like a carousel, round and round you go,
My patience runs out the door,
When you tell me all the ways you love me,
But still ain't never been to my show.
Oh, oh oh...

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?
Foot on the gas...
The car keep stalling.
A passionate kiss...
With eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me not

You keep me out on a wire,
Somewhere between the "you" and "you and I",
My legs are getting so tired,
From hanging on your every word,
Making up excuses why
You can't make up your mind.

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?
Foot on the gas...
The car keep stalling.
A passionate kiss...
With eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me

Whenever he is lonely,
Or after watching a girly movie
Or he just needs a hand to hold
He loves me...
Whenever it's convenient,
Told myself each time he means it,
I happily play the fool.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
And then turn around and screen my calls?

Foot on the gas, car keeps stalling.
A passionate kiss, eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me not