A relationship is like a series of tests; for some of the tests, if you ever fail them once, you'll never have a chance to retake them again; and for some of them, failing them would mean the end of the relationship.

Choose your subject wisely so you don't fail the tests.

After deserting my blog for some time in order to help myself getting over him, I think I'm finally not clinging over the past any more. So here I am, back to write again.

This could be a delusion of mine, I don't know how but somehow I've come to the conclusion that a relationship that I appreciate, when it's written out before it gets stable, won't end up well. It could be because by writing it out here, I would start to put some kind of expectation and things always tend to go extra bumpy for me when there's too much expectation.

All of this delusion of mine reminds me of the wuwei theory of Taoism. I have not been able to understand how this concept works. So finally there's something I can put into practice in my real life that relates to this concept.

So how am I now? This song pretty much summarises it all.

Sorry for not replying to the comments that you guys have posted, but I really have no idea what to write.

Being thrown away without knowing the reason is troubling for someone who values reasoning like me. I said I don't care, but that's only because I have no choice. If I had one, I would want to know the reason.

We've only dated for three weeks, and have not even gotten into a relationship. I know it sounds silly to say I'm hurt, but I really am. I still miss him. The only way I can keep myself from thinking about him is to keep myself occupied, with either work or dates. When I don't work, I go dating with (or rather just meeting) some other guys.

I still hold on to my principle of not having sex, so I'm just meeting the guys for coffee or dinner. So far no one clicks for me. No one makes me want to go out for the second time with him.

Every time I open up my blog, the only thing I can think of to blog about is things related to him. This makes me feel so much like what has happened to me in the past—was hurt and wrote weepy posts that no one bothers to read.

So I've decided that I won't blog again until I've fully gotten over him. Hopefully this can break the routine of opening up Blogger and starting to think about him.

Maybe I should stop blogging until this wound of mine doesn't hurt anymore.

— rotiboy (@the_rotiboy) June 29, 2012

Just let the time do its magic.

Loves Me Not
(feat. Meiko)

You say you do but you don't,
And just like a carousel, round and round you go,
My patience runs out the door,
When you tell me all the ways you love me,
But still ain't never been to my show.
Oh, oh oh...

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?
Foot on the gas...
The car keep stalling.
A passionate kiss...
With eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me not

You keep me out on a wire,
Somewhere between the "you" and "you and I",
My legs are getting so tired,
From hanging on your every word,
Making up excuses why
You can't make up your mind.

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?
Foot on the gas...
The car keep stalling.
A passionate kiss...
With eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me

Whenever he is lonely,
Or after watching a girly movie
Or he just needs a hand to hold
He loves me...
Whenever it's convenient,
Told myself each time he means it,
I happily play the fool.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
Then turn around and screen my calls?

Why do you pick me up to watch me fall?
You say you're so in love,
And then turn around and screen my calls?

Foot on the gas, car keeps stalling.
A passionate kiss, eyes wide open.
Cold then hot, you go then stop,
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me, he loves me not.
He loves me not

He decided to stop dating me. He said he's having a tough time. He doesn't want to tell me or anyone and wants to be alone.

I was worried on what happened to him, and decided to show my concern. I texted him twice a day, in the morning when I wake up and at night before I sleep, just to let him know I was still there for him.

Apparently that's already too much for him. He begs me to give him some space.

Maybe I'm pushing him too far. Maybe two messages a day is still too much for him. Maybe he isn't into relationship with me at all. Whatever it is, I don't want to guess and care anymore.

Surprisingly, that one sentence is enough for me to decide to move on.

怎样爱才对呢？

我有前男友，但却不觉得自己真正谈过恋爱。对恋爱有认知、有微薄的经验，却还是不懂得拿捏。

我跟我唯一的前男友，开始得太快，在还没有真正认识对方前就开始了。结果交往后才发现双方思想、处事各方面都有很大的差距。甜蜜期只持续了几个星期，之后就一直为小事吵得不可开交。在交往快满两个月的时候，我提出了分手，因为我觉得我们两个人有太多的不同、太多的差距，拖下去只会继续互相伤害。

经过那次，我明白了交往前不管多甜蜜、多欣赏对方、多投入，都要对对方有相当的了解，才可以交往。再来，就是交往的时候不要许下山盟海誓、不要做白头到老的诺言、不要说想怎样跟对方度过以后的日子，因为万一感情吹了，它们只会造成更多的伤痛。

以为懂了这些，下一次恋爱就会美好。感情来了，才发现原来自己根本什么都还不懂。

我以为小心拿捏、多花时间了解他，就可以有稳定的基础。我努力压抑自己的冲动，不让自己全身投向他，让自己慢慢了解他，并适量对他表达爱慕和思念。

开始他也回应对我的爱慕，甚至要我多给他传简讯。之后他开始问我是不是觉得没安全感。我不解他为什么这么问，不过现在终于明白了。原来我平时每天都会告诉他我的行踪好几次，譬如吃三餐的时候，或是到达公司的时候。他大概是以为我以“礼尚往来”的方式，想知道他的行踪。其实，告诉他我的行踪，不是希望他也告诉我他的行踪，而是想念他了，却不想一味地说我想念他。是的，我日常作息、大小事都会不自觉地想起他，我想我是真的喜欢上他了。

那天我去了一个不适合我的场合，因为无法融入场合里，我一直不由自主地想起他，不管他回不回复，一个晚上传了四次简讯给他。怎知道他迟来的回复，竟然是说，根据他的经验，我一直挂念他是不好的，还说什么如果我们是注定一起的，就一定会一起。虽然我自己也认为他说得对，但是当下从他的简讯里读到这样的内容，心里很不是滋味。虽然我们目前还不到男朋友关系，但却是在交往的。对我而言，交往中的人互相思念是很正常的。更何况我不是同一时候跟多人交往来筛选男友的人，挂念得多应该也是正常的。想到这里，在加上酒精作祟，就决定为自己申冤，回复他告诉他我一向同一时间只跟一个人交往。怎知他会错意，以为我说他在跟我交往的同时，跟其他人交往，急忙跟我解释跟他吃饭的只是朋友。

没多久我清醒过来，才发现自己说了严重的话，急忙跟他解释。然后回想发生的这一切，得出得结论是我的简讯让他感到一些压力，决定隔天减少传简讯给他。

隔天，就真的除了早餐时传了一封简讯，一整天都没有再联络他。而他也除了早餐时回复的那封简讯，一整天都没联络我。

一直沉溺在自己的梦幻里，我才赫然发现，原来一直以来都是我主动传简讯给他，他鲜少主动传简讯给我。今天我快一整天没联络他，也不见他主动联络。开始想，我好像是一厢情愿。对他而言，我大概是可有可无的。

我以为有了上次的经验，这次会比较好，看来我还是学不会。

As mentioned previously, I was on the move to KL and now here I am, back in this city of opportunities and disappointments, hope and dispair, love and hate of mine.

I get a 'proper' job by the convention of the society (and my relatives)—work from 9 to 6 in an office, in a smart attire. I was looking up and down for a roof where I can land myself in this city. It wasn't easy, but I'm really grateful to the two kind souls who allow me to barge in their home for a month. Count myself lucky, one of them works really near to my office. So by staying with them, two main problems of mine, shelter and transportation are solved at once. And I get a breakfast and dinner mate and don't have to worry about where to eat, too.

But of course, I still have to look for my own place. The crib hunt is still going on. And again, I'm lucky to have several guys who are planning to move together and be my future housemates. So we can get a whole house unit and save a little on the rentals.

Work-wise, I wake up at 6 am every weekday morning, hit the bed at 10 or 11 pm almost every night. I don't have a lot of free time to do things other than my work. I don't get to watch TV shows, or play a quick game or two, or write for and maintain my blog, or ponder, or even read the news and articles I used to read on daily basis. But everything feels much more orderly than it used to be. Although there seems to be a lot of things that I'm missing out, I feel just right, as I know I'm going back to becoming the disciplined person I used to be. Hopefully this momentum is going to last long.

Being an active stalker on Grindr, some guys here approach to chat with me. I've had good chats with them and the feeling of being appreciated is building my confidence significantly from how it was. And most importantly, there's a guy who really, really 'clicks' for me. We met each other over a supper and it felt so right for both of us, so we started dating. The feeling comes a little too fast, but with my past experience, I think I know how to steer the progress slow and steady.

I think good times are really ahead!

In another few days, I'm going to relocate myself to KL again. I'm quite excited for the move. The first thing is of course I can start anew—new place, new housemates, new company, new colleagues, new friends.

I haven't told any of my existing friends on my move (except those that I have no choice but to let them know). Partially because I want to experiment and simulate living in a completely new place, without any friends and family.

Another part of it is that I'm planning to live openly as a gay guy—not having to hide my sexuality. IMO, letting newly known people know that I'm gay should be easier than coming out to existing friends. That's because we have established relationships with existing friends, so we are more afraid of losing existing friends than of losing someone we just get to know. That's why I've decided that for me, I should come out to my new friends first.

I haven't planned exactly how I'm going to come out to my new friends, and I probably won't plan anything in an actionable manner. To me, too much planning on certain matters sometimes will eventually cause more disappointment. Usually when we plan on something, we are putting expectations on how it should work. The more we plan, the higher we expect, and the higher we expect, the more we feel disappointed when things don't go according to our plans. So to avoid the disappointments and whatnots, I'm not going to plan anything specific. Planning to come out to new friends before existing friends is probably the most specific I can plan already.

Of course I don't think I can hide my whereabouts from my existing friends for long. The area where I'm going to live and work at is just around the area where I used to live. I may bump into my existing friends anytime. When the time comes, that's probably the time I need to start preparing to come out to (or even to be found out as gay by) my existing friends already. That can be in a few months, or a few years. For that I will let my fate to decide.

Sounds like a challenging plan, and I'm not sure if I can handle it. But I guess it's about time I do something about my closeted self, because I might not be able to get a better opportunity to do something about it in the future.

The word 'otaku' is from Japanese language which means a homebody who often with an obsession about something (usually anime, manga, games or other indoor hobbies). The original meaning of otaku means 'home' or 'you', written as お宅 in Japanese. But later, the meaning extended to its current modern slang form and written in hiragana おたく or katagana オタク to be distinguished from the original meaning.

In Japanese language, the word often carries negative meaning, but when used in a specific context, it can be an equivalent to 'geek', most of time it means an anime or manga fan, not necessarily with social ineptness.

In Chinese language, the word 宅, which is a valid Chinese character, is taken directly to mean the otaku-ness, or as an adjective of being an otaku (despite its original meaning in Chinese language which also means home). A male otaku in Chinese is called a 宅男, whereas the female equivalent is 腐女 (lit. rotten female).

Despite its loan nature from Japanese language, the word 宅男, when being used in Chinese language, is generally understood as a homebody, without the specific obsession part in the more often usage of otaku.

This song with the title '宅' by Leo Ku uses a very smart play of the word. The theme of the song is about a lonely guy who became a homebody due to being single (implying that he ended a relationship). The lyricist uses the word 宅 to replace all occurrences of 在 in this song for their similar pronunciation, and verbalises the word 宅, effectively emphasises the theme and the title of the song. Creative. I haven't seen this kind of wordplay in other songs.

That being said, I really like this song for its creative value, and also the relevance of its lyrics to me.

I'm curious about how is it like being a Malay, Muslim and gay at the same time. Can anyone enlighten me?
— rotiboy (@the_rotiboy) May 18, 2012

I tweeted about my curiosity on how is it like being a Malay, Muslim and gay at the same time. The reason being, I see more Chinese gay guys than Malay or Indian gay guys on Grindr. That makes me wonder, could it be because of cultural difference that makes more Chinese gay guys? And Muslim's religious views seem to be very much against homosexuality, while that's not in the case of Buddhism, Taoisim, Hindusim or Sikhism (at least not that I know of any absolutely opposing views from them).

soul232 took care to answer my queries.

But on second thought, I think I should probably write a post about how is it like being an almost free-thinking Chinese gay guy like me. I think it's good for us gay guys to understand each other who are from different cultural and religious backgrounds in the context of homosexuality.

I can't exactly speak for Chinese, and I doubt I know enough other Chinese gay guys to have a representative view on this. But at least for my case, homosexuality is not something that can openly discussed in my family. Not that my family is blatantly against it, but rather, I don't dare to talk about it with my family for the fear of disappointment of my parent. I doubt my family will disown me over this though.

Being born in a Chinese-Buddhist + Taoist family, I've never heard of anything from my religions and beliefs that have anything against homosexuality. In Taoism, we have Pangu who was said to have created the Heaven and Earth, Nuwa who was said to have created humans from clay, but I doubt any Chinese of today still think they are true. We are very much inclined to think of them as mythologies and believe a more scientific explanation of human evolution.

On the side note, I don't consider myself a Buddhist nor a Taoist, but I don't think this part of me makes me have different views on sexuality from a, say, practiced Buddhist/Taoist Chinese gay guy. Our religions have rules but it's up to us the believers to adopt it up to any level we want. I don't believe in religions but I believe in morality, ethics and philosophies. I believe the philosophical part of Taoism but I don't practice the rituals.

I have a conservative view on sexual activity and ideally, it should only be done between married couples, or couples who are sure to marry each other. In a gay context, to me ideally, it should only be done between very stable couples even since they can't get married in front of law and in a ceremony in Malaysia. But this is a very different view from most other Chinese gay guys who simply don't care.

Probably that's also because I'm a good boy. =P I don't drink and I don't smoke, too.

With regards to the process of coming out, I didn't realised that I'm not quite the same as others until when I was in high school. I accepted the fact that I'm gay when I was in university, but I decided to stay in the closet. And I fully stayed in the closet for about 5 years. It only takes me about two years from a fully closeted guy to someone who is starting to come out. But I guess those are more of my character than my cultural background.

How is it like being a gay like you with your religion and cultural background? I would love to know about anything, even if you're of the same cultural background as me. Link to this blog post if you're writing in your blog so that Blogger can automatically post a pingback in the comments and notify me (I think it does), or click the 'Create a Link' at the bottom of this page to post to your blog directly and notify my blog at the same time.

There was a time when the Central Plain was in chaos. The feudal system started to dissolve as the king lost his power over his nobles. Five of the states rose to power. Historians call this period the Spring and Autumn Period.

The condition worsened when the smaller states were absorbed by the larger ones, and then the larger states started to fight each other over the smaller ones. The five superpowers became seven. Historians call this period of time the Warring States Period.

The constant warfare of those times bred the rise of scholars. They thought the society was ill, and it needs a good ideology to treat its illness. So they came out with various philosophies encompass a broad range of disciplines including ethics and morality, sociology, politics, military, culture and religion etc. They voiced and published their ideas and thoughts, debated them and preached for the adoption of their philosophies by various states to end the warfare. The amount of philosophers was so many that the time was called a time of Hundred Schools of Thoughts.

I think the state of Malaysia now, although not in warfare like those times, has a lot in common with the times. Many knowledgable and patriotic people of all walks of life rise to speak their minds. Views and opinions are aplenty and in varieties, but injustice and misconducts are not uncommon, too. Associating our times with the times of Hundred Schools of Thoughts may be too much of flattering to ourselves, but there are definitely a lot of things we can learn from the history and wisdom of the ancient people.

With the plan to move back to KL, I need to look for a room to rent.

When I lived in KL last time, my housemates were not exactly homophobic. But their occasional disrespectful jokes about gay and homosexuality made me feel a little uncomfortable, even though I was still in the closet that time.

And there was once they suspected me for being gay and hinted and tested me in various ways. Being fully in the closet that time, I wasn't ready to be out nor have this secret of mine be disclosed and so I felt uneasy and a little scared to be exposed.

Thanks to my moving back to my hometown, I get a lot of time to rethink on everything about myself, including my sexuality. And I slowly come out of closet to become who I am now. I think being in a new environment gave me the courage to slowly come out (not yet to my family though). If I were to continue staying in KL that time, I doubt I will start coming out as quickly as I am now.

In a way, I'm viewing my move to KL this time another stage of my coming out. I want to live more openly gay, so having non-homophobic housemates are important to me. Even though I'm more ready to be out to my friends now, I'd still prefer to have housemates who are sensitive about homosexuality, for at least they don't crack inappropriate jokes about gay.

And of course I don't want housemates with obnoxious living habits, too.

So I'm trying to look for a room via Grindr. I'm not sure if this is a good idea, but at least I can be quite sure that my housemates won't be homophobic.

Anyone with homophobic housemates wants to move?

In Malaysia, I'm not sure what's the right answer for questions like "how are you" or "how's your day". I think Westerners see them as a form of small talk, so the answer is always 'good' or 'fine'. They only expect a reply, but they don't care what you answer. Just like how we are taught in schools, for "How are you?", the reply is always "I'm fine. Thank you."

But many Malaysians see it like a real question and answer it by telling how they have not been good, how they've been busy etc. The grammar nazi in me feels like standing out to correct them, but I always brush it off. And it's become so common among the people I talk to to the point that my responses like "I'm fine" are odd to them.

I'm still undecided whether this should be considered a register or simply bad command of English among the people I talk to, but I'll just stick with "I'm fine, thank you."

Okay, this is going to be a little related to politics. Before you roll your eyes on this 'blog post about politics', let's face it: being in a country with an established political system, everything in your lives is about politics. Your education, employment, salary, the place you live in (cukai pintu, cukai tanah etc.), the fast food you eat (service tax etc.), and even the water you drink (water supply) and air you breath in (law enforcement of air pollution prevention etc.) are all about politics. There's no way you can run away from politics. It affects every aspect of your life, probably negatively if you do not pay attention closely enough to safeguard your rights. Don't live thinking to stay away from politics because it is dirty, complicated and dramatic—it will hit you someday in some way.

Anyway, I'm trying my best to write this blog post more as an LGBT issue than as a political issue.

Malaysia has been well known for going against LGBT. From censoring Lady Gaga's song for its lyrics voicing support for LGBT people, to the suggestion to set up a camp to correct the behaviour of effeminate boys and the 180-degree change of the stance, banning of an annual sexuality rights festival which has been held without problem since 2008, to a protest for the 'rights' of Muslim to be against homosexuality and rally against 'unacceptable lifestyle' of LGBT people.

If you look at each one of them more carefully, they only became issues in recent years, not quite before the political tsunami of 2008. From this, anyone with a little understanding on Malaysian political landscape and a little common sense can easily tell that they are at least partially (if not wholly) cooked up by some politicians to gain cheap publicity. I don't think I should explain too much on how LGBT issues can help certain politicians garner more votes. But if you really need further elaborations, I will be glad to explain to you via emails.

In 2008, the alliance of the long standing incumbent parties Barisan Nasional (the National Front) won the election by a close margin over the alliance of three major opposition parties named Pakatan Rakyat (the People's Alliance). According to politics observers, the upcoming election will be another fierce fight between the two parties, and it's estimated that the winning margin is about 3% to 10%, which means 3% to 10% of the voters will decide which party gets to form the cabinet. 3% to 10% of the people is easily about the estimated size of LGBT people in Malaysia! In other words, if all of us register ourselves as voters, our demands (for basic human rights) will be heard and most likely be answered too!

Pang, the founder of Seksualiti Merdeka (and no, it does not mean seks bebas, it means freedom to choose the gender of our lover), wrote a very insightful blog post on what the Members of Parliament should do to get our support, which can be translated into what kind of MPs we should vote for.

I urge all of us to register ourselves as voters (it might be too late already if the election is held in June as rumoured, but we never really know when it will be held! It may be as late as 2013). Try to register as a voter in your hometowns, if possible—there may be hassles going back to your hometowns to vote but analysts say one vote in a suburban or rural constituency can be equivalent to 6 votes in an urban constituency. So your votes in Klang Valley is not as precious and as powerful as those in your hometowns.

And for those of you who are currently overseas, you may be eligible to vote too. But you need to register yourselves via the Embassy or High Commission of Malaysia in your respective country of residence. Even if you're considering to immigrate some time later, I know it's your right to choose to immigrate but I urge you to register and vote too. You are probably unhappy with this country to consider immigration but before you leave, please think of the plight of the rest of Malaysians who can't afford to immigrate. Your votes count.

Whether or not we can make a perception shift in Malaysians towards LGBT this time probably depends on how well we voice ourselves. Please voice your support on Facebook, Twitter or any other social networks you're in. Let the politicians hear us and make them know WE are the ones deciding who will be in the Parliament and so they better treat us well.

Really, now minority like us LGBT people have the real power of voting. Let's make use of this golden opportunity to demand for the basic human rights we have been deprived of.

Do you have a special preference on what race your ideal partner should be?

I thought being a very 'Chinese' person, I would only be able to accept a Chinese guy, too. I was quite against interracial relationship for myself due to cultural difference. But it turns out race doesn't really matter to me. What I mean is, if I fall in love with a Malay guy, it will be no different from falling for a Chinese guy. I still get the same lovey feeling, except when we go into a relationship, I might have to change my diet and lifestyle a bit. Other than that, love is still love, there's no such thing as Chinese love or Malay love or Indian love. (Okay-lah if you're more into sex, the same goes, too—there's no Chinese sex, Malay sex or Indian sex.)

I think it's okay to have a preference on the race you would like to be in a relationship with. Some guys even have a special fetish on a certain race other than their own. I know a Malay guy who prefers Chinese guys. When I asked for further explanation (because I couldn't comprehend why), he told me that he's fond of the 'scent' or pheromone of Chinese guys. I still don't really understand, especially when I don't even know if I can smell pheromones, but I accepted his explanation and respect his preference.

What I disagree with is to base our preferences merely on the prejudice we've got for other races. And unfortunately that happens to Chinese in Malaysia a lot, according to what I've seen. There's a fallacy among many (but not all) Chinese that Chinese is more superior than other races in Malaysia. What is it based on? Nothing, other than the prejudice against other races that they were less hardworking, less smart etc. As Chinese, while I'm proud of my heritage and culture, I often feel ashamed by this notion among the Chinese people. That opinion itself is exactly the thing that makes us less superior than other races IMO.

Other than that, we ourselves as gay have been discriminated enough, why discriminate others too? We all know how it feels, right? Having prejudice against other races is a form of discrimination. Same goes to discrimination against effeminate guys or transexual people. We can disagree with the way they behave physically, or the way they dress up, but we should not judge them by those. We may prefer people of our own race due to cultural similarity, but not because we feel our race is more superior without any other further reasons.

Anyway, everyone is entitled to their opinion. As much as I'm against having sex with someone you don't love, I can't stop you from doing it. Same thing goes to this case. While I disagree with the preferences that are based on prejudice, the people with this kind of preferences can still keep them. The most I can do is only to advise and advocate on getting rid of the prejudice and prejudice-based preferences, but I can't force you to submit to my opinion on this matter. It's the very same human right concept that LGBT people have been fighting for, "self-determination"—everyone has their right to have the autonomy on their own matters, including but not limited to deciding who they are, how they live their lives, and what they think and do.

For two people to fall in love with each other and be in a relationship needs a lot more than the chemistry between the two. Being able to meet and get to know a person is serendipity. If both have the feelings for each other, it's also serendipity. If everything is fine for the two to move on to a relationship, it's also serendipity. To me, every part of it is about serendipity or yuanfen or fate, or whatever you want to call it.

Let's say two people are fond of each other and both want to move into a relationship. But if one of them cannot spare sufficient time or effort to the relationship, I don't think it will work out, no matter how right they feel for each other. The time is not in favour of them, which for me, I will conclude it as there's not enough serendipity.

Likewise, if the two are willing to spare the time to ensure a relationship work out, but one of them doesn't have enough chemistry on the other, things are unlikely to work well too. We can't force a person to like us, and the same applies to the first case, too, we can't force a person to spare enough time or effort to build a relationship.

But for me, serendipity is pretty 'magical'. In the first case, the two may not have time for each other right now, but they may have it in the future. If both are single and still have the feelings for each other, then things may turn out well between them too. Likewise, in the second case, one of them may not have the feelings for the other right now, but he may have it in the future.

I have come to realise that there's no need to cling to a person to beg for his time or effort to build a relationship. If he's not free, it means he's either not keen enough to spare a bit more time or effort, or simply he's not ready in terms of time. In any case, there isn't enough serendipity between us. The best thing I can do for myself is only to move on, on my own.

P.S.: I'm now on Twitter, too! Follow me there!

A close friend from high school drove 2.5 hours to my town to meet me. Partly because he's free and also because he's leaving Malaysia for further studies. Anyway, that's so kind of him to come to see me on this special day of mine. Probably he knew I have been lonely and I need someone to talk to.

I haven't been speaking my mind to anyone for such a long time. I think the last time was also when he visited, probably 8 months ago.

All this while, I thought my mental power was strong enough to keep everything in myself. But I'm starting to realise that's not true. Especially after meeting my friend today, whatever that's been in me for the past few months were all out at once. I needed someone to speak my mind to so badly, but I didn't realise it until my mind flushed almost everything out to him before I knew it.

I don't know how I've lived for the past one year. Not only I don't have a close friend to speak my mind to, I don't even have friends that I can meet and hang out with. In fact, I don't even see anyone other than my family, not even my neighbours.

Suddenly I feel it's time for me to give in to reality, stop all the day-dreaming, stop all my 'temporary' freelancing for achieving what I dream about, look for a 'proper' job, working from 8 to 5, get a stable income and live a normal life.

Dreams and ambitions are probably not for a person like me.

I feel the urge to move back to KL.

I should let all the thoughts settle down a bit before I make a decision and tell anyone about it. I have to constantly remind myself not to make any impulse decisions.

每年的这个时候，我都会想用中文来写博文，也许是因为中文终究还是最亲近我的语言。

回头看看这24年来，自己做过了什么，完成了什么，达成了什么，还想要做什么，才发现自己好像做了很多事情，却又什么也没有完成，想要做很多事情，却又什么也没达成。

事业无成，伊人未见，家下不和。

回想起刚中学毕业的我，个性直率坦荡，敢做敢当，爱恨分明。嘴巴从不饶人，得罪的人不少，但是懂得欣赏的人也不乏。任性却有所坚持，易怒却易恕，狂妄自大却也受到认同。

看看八年后今天的我，个性虽然变得比较圆滑，喜恶不露于眉目之间，却是以面具示人。爱不敢说，恨不敢讲，口不出恶言得罪人，却也变得窝囊废。任性依旧却无法持之以恒，有怒气都往肚子里吞，内心自大却不敢表露，总是瞻前顾后，要为自己留个台阶下。简单来说，不外乎爱面子、贪慕虚荣和虚伪。

有谁来捡回那个从前的我？

每年的这一天都是那么感伤，但是又深知无谓执着。人生不过尔尔，明天一样要过，明年一样要过。就像唐诗《清明》一样，看似感伤，实则不过是大自然规律。用上“断魂”二字甚至让人联想到伤心欲绝、肝肠寸断，细读考究后其实不然，也不过是被雨水打得狼狈罢了，雨过天晴后一切回复原貌。

杜牧《清明》

清明时节雨纷纷，
路上行人欲断魂。
借问酒家何处有，
牧童遥指杏花村。

偶读诗书，附庸风雅一番。

这几天情绪低落，又适逢清明，所以写的尽是没有人要看的情绪垃圾，还望多包含。

It feels stupid. I know how to give advice to people on their problems but I can't solve mine.

医人者不能自医

What exactly do I want?

Damn, I hate myself.

Sorry, I can no longer hold myself from posting this.

I recently came across the phrase 同妻 (lit. "a gay man's wife") which means straight spouse. It refers to the women who are married to gay men.

A Chinese news channel had a cover story on these straight spouses recently.

Guardian UK also had an article dated years ago on the marriages between a straight and a homosexual person and the coming out of the homosexual spouses. The straight spouses were generally supportive of their homosexual spouses when they came out even though they have divorced.

But that's not the case for those straight spouses in the Chinese programme. Probably due to the norm of the society, the circumstances of the wives of homosexual husbands are usually not as optimistic as the ones from UK.

A rough estimate of the total number of straight spouses in China is said to be more than 10 million. That's easily two times the population of the entire Singapore.

The plight of these Chinese straight spouses include unhappy family lives, domestic violence, higher risk of HIV, pressure of public opinion and gossips, pressure from family to have children, depression etc. I guess the most direct one is that how can a person be happy to marry someone that does not love him or her? And I can hardly imagine how devastating it is for a woman to find out that the man that promised her happiness and stability for the rest of her life is gay.

Quoting from another Chinese TV programme that made the coverage on this issue, 'due to the ignorance of the traditional society, under the pressure from public opinion, 90 percent of gay man in China choose marriage, but most of their spouses know nothing about it.'

The keyword here is ignorance. Doesn't that sound similar to the Malaysian society?

The ignorance causes the heartbreaking stories and perturbing plight of the straight spouses. By making the society more homophobic, we will only produce more of these straight spouses in distress. Do we really want this in Malaysia?

So don't try to marry a girl when you know or even suspect you're gay.

I've heard people talking about the 30-year-old milestone for women. 30 is a big number for women. For those who are already in relationships, they want to get married before they reach this age. But for those not in relationships, they want to find the right man before 30.

I think the same applies to gay guys too.

I got to know a guy in his late 20's. He told me that he wants to find someone to settle down with. Hearing that from him, the talks of the 30-year-old milestone came to my mind. I suddenly realised that he's having the symptoms of facing the approaching milestone.

That backed me off a bit. And I stopped contacting him. It's not that I do not want to find someone to settle down with, but I wasn't sure about my feelings towards him, and I didn't know how long it would take for me to confirm the feelings. So I thought it's probably better for him to look for someone else rather than wasting his time on me being uncertain. I'm pretty sure if I were him, I wouldn't want to spend my critical year approaching 30, on a guy who might end up not the right person for me.

Somehow that 30-year-old milestone thing keeps wandering in my mind after that. Some guys are most attractive when they are around 30, but I'm pretty sure that for me, I would be even less attractive than I am right now. I would be as anxious as the guy to look for the right person by that time.

While I know well I must not rush into a relationship, I can't help to worry a little about my 30-year-old milestone too because time really flies.

Maybe I should really divert my attention to doing something else rather than thinking about this.

I find it both amusing and saddening that many Malaysian gay men either don't understand what it means in the relationship status they are putting for themselves, or they don't take relationship status seriously.

Call me a relationship-status nazi or whatever. I really think the statuses should mean what they are supposed to mean.

I see many young boys on Grindr simply put their relationship status as 'engaged' or 'married'. Some single guys put their relationship status as 'open relationship'.

Personally I think being 'engaged' should really mean being engaged. That is, the guy is getting married soon. If he's getting married in Malaysia, then he will soon have a (straight) family, except this husband-to-be is a little gatal to know what is it like to have a relationship with a guy.

And I think if a guy's relationship status is 'married', by right it should indicate that he probably is someone who has a wife or even children but is gatal to have a relationship with a guy, because Malaysia only recognises marriage between a man and a woman (or up to four women).

For gay couples who are in very stable relationships comparable to marriage, I think the right status is 'partnered'. Malaysia does not recognise gay marriage. But if I'm not mistaken, 'partnered' is a status for couples in domestic partnerships or civil partnerships etc. in countries that recognise these relationships legally. So being 'partnered' is the closest possible status to refer to gay couples who are practically but not legally married.

And seriously, if you're a single gay man who is very 'open'-minded, or 'open' to any possibilities, that does not make you in an 'open relationship'. Look it up before you put that as your relationship status!

Jangan gatal.

There are some questions raised by a reader from my previous post titled "A Beginner's Guide as A Gay Person" in the comments. I tried to reply in the comments area itself but it's too lengthy to be posted as a comment. So I'm replying his questions as a follow-up blog post here.

Here's the question:

Hi! I have something to ask about point number 3...hmmm, supposedly those gay dating sites or grindr are for gay people to browse thru..however, I am also afraid that there may be straight homophobic people who are so free like they have got nothing else to do, who will purposely visits those site, just to hunt down gay guys around them whom they recognize, and exposing them to get fun.. do you think this will happen? I have not been to any gay dating sites, so maybe you can enlighten me about the possibility of that? or well maybe I am just being paranoid, hahah!

Again, too long, so click on the Read More link.

I'm starting to notice that many who visit my blog (stealthily without commenting) are still in the closet, or sort of preparing themselves to start coming out. So as someone who have been through that (partially. I'm still not out to my family and most of my friends), I've learned about myself and the gay community quite a bit, too. I guess rather than keeping them for myself, might as well I write them down in a blog post, who knows they may help those who are just starting to accept that they are gay. But bear in mind that everyone's circumstances are different so what applies to me may or may not apply to you.

This is going to be quite long, so click on Read More to continue reading.

While we are not even officially dating yet, I think I still need to have some kind of mental preparation for how things could turn out.

He's working in a city several hours away from mine. We are not really far away from each other but still, we don't live in the same city. I consider this a long distance relationship, because our main form of interaction is basically over phone calls or messages.

I'm not particularly confident about this kind of relationship, but a part of me wants to give it a try.

I'm also not really fancy of moving over to his city to work, but it is still possible for me to move there if I find this relationship is worthy of it. But I need to also consider other possibilities, e.g. what if I really can't move there?

From your experience, what are the things that need to be paid attention to when it comes to LDR? How to maintain a relationship like this (something that can be put into practice rather than 'trust')?

I went for a short trip northward last week. It was originally for work, but I decided to extend my trip for a few days to attend some students' events and meeting up with some friends.

The trip was unexpectedly fruitful for me. From meeting my friends, I got several new friends and some good opportunities for work and possibly employment.

Oh yeah, I'm officially jobless now, taking in some odd jobs to earn a small living at the moment.

Also, my Grindr account was busy too. Possibly because seeing a new face in the city, the guys were flooding me with 'hi's. I'm not trying to show off here, but that's really something commendable for a person like me. But frankly speaking, no one that chatted with me really 'clicked' for me, until when I was on my way back to Johor. There were two guys pinged me on Grindr that kinda clicks. One is a Malaysian working in Singapore, another is a Singaporean having a vacation in Malaysia.

I exchanged my number with both and started to chat with them to understand them better. Coincidently, both of them call me with the same form of address. Over the few days chatting with them, I had a guilty feeling as if I'm dating two guys at the same time. I knew I had to quickly make a choice to focus on only one of them to clear my conscience.

It was a struggle to make a choice. Both were having almost the same score from my ranking. It's ironic that I've not met someone that clicks for me for so long, and suddenly two came at the same time, both are working in Singapore, so alike in their speech, and equally as appealing for me.

After weighing from various aspects, I chose the Singaporean over the Malaysian working in Singapore. The winning point is simply that he seems to be putting more effort in getting to know me and caring about me.

For me, long distance relationship is not really something that I'm totally comfortable with. But considering it's so hard to find someone that really clicks for me, I think I'm going to give it a try. Plus, I'm pretty flexible to change my plan, possibly to work in Singapore if the relationship really worths it.

Anyway, we are not in a relationship yet. And neither are we officially dating each other yet. But I guess we are a little more than friends at the moment. I just hope things will turn out well this time, but at the same time, I'm trying not to put expectations on this, realising no expectation means no disappointment.

On the side note:

The Chinese word 缘分 is a concept that hardly exists in English. As far as I know, the word originates from Buddhist context and paved its way to Chinese vocabulary and became a prominent concept in Chinese culture. One can relate it to fate or destiny but in fact both fate and destiny seems to be more of an equivalent of the word 命运. There isn't a word in English that is close enough in its meaning to 缘分 to the point that linguists romanised the word into Yuanfen to convey the meaning.

I remember years ago I was first introduced to the word 'serendipity' from a Hong Kong drama series. I looked up the meaning of the word to find out that the word is close enough to convey the meaning of 缘分, although it is commendatory whereas 缘分 is neutral (but mostly used in a commendatory context).

孤独只不过是一种状态
有什么难过也不值得大惊小怪
释不释怀
日子也不会给你个交待

一个人有一个人的痛快
说不定还可以 悟出了道理 换來谁喝采
来不及高兴就感慨

我对爱情还会有期待
一段感情结束还有后来
这感觉有好有坏
如你会明白你就会明白

我对缘分并沒有责怪
属于各自的明天总要来
沒有应该不应该
谁不是用伤口交换未来

我沒有能力向回忆抵赖
因为爱谁不曾死去又活來
我的底牌 你別急着掀开
多余的感伤都该淘汰

我想我值得被爱

The Prime Minister of Malaysia went to some community event and said that the Siamese community in the country will be looked after just like other bumiputeras.

Saatnyaku berkata mungkin yang terakhir kalinya
Sudahlah lepaskan semua kuyakin inilah waktunya
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang ku tinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Dan bila hatimu termenung bangun dari mimpi-mimpimu
[Mmm] Membuka hatimu yang dulu cerita saat bersamaku
Mungkin saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua disini

Dan mungkin bila nanti kita kan bertemu lagi
Satu pintaku jangan kau coba tanyakan kembali
Rasa yang kutinggal mati
Seperti hari kemarin saat semua di sini

Tak usah kau tanya kembali
Simpan untukmu sendiri
Semua sesal kau cari
Semua rasa yang kau beri

一觉睡到自然醒过来，不管这个胡闹时代有多坏
只想在潜意识第六层内，没有心情不出来

I'm an idiot.

Seriously, can I stop doing something stupid? It seems to me the more I'm concerned about someone, the more I appear like an idiot to that person. I'm totally embarrassed by the stupid things I have done and said.

你的爱很像 泡沫
太轻或太重 都不在手中
我的爱就像 天空
太放或太收 你都只是风

你来过 却爱上自由
你出走 我不问理由

我会好好过 等你再爱我
总有个角落 会让你想起我
我会好好过 等你再爱我
向右或向左
都有我站在这里守侯

你留下很多 够我面对寂寞
寂寞不重 重是爱太多
我会好好过 当你回头
看到的一定是我

我会好好过 等你再爱我
总有个角落 会让你想起我
我会好好过 等你再爱我
向右或向左
都有我站在这里守侯

I found them from the Internet but I lost the source. =( Let me know if you happen to know the source so I can link back.

They are in Chinese but I've translated them into English. Corrections are welcome. =)

Although I don't agree with some of them and some others only apply in certain cases, I think many are meaningful and full of wisdom. Take whatever that applies to and works for you. =)

EDIT: The list is pretty long so click the Read More link to read it.

Earlier this week, I came across a tweet on Twitter.

A man asked his mother "How will I ever find the right woman?" She replied "Forget finding the right woman, focus on being the right man."

I thought it was brilliant.

On the next day, it came to my mind again. And I suddenly realised that the same applies in a gay context and to me too.

All this while I have been looking for the right man for me but so far I get nothing.

This tweet has really made me realise how silly I was. I should focus on making myself better instead of looking for someone better.

Seriously, why hadn't I thought of this before?

So I decided to spend less time on Grindr and more time on my personal development.

EDIT: Corrected translation of '红粉' as 'rouge'.

In modern Chinese vocabulary, there's a type of friend that is categorised as '红粉知己', literary means pink rouge confidant. The colour pink word rouge here refers to female. In a straight context, this phrase can mean the woman in a man's extra marital affair or a man's secret lover other than his girlfriend. But in a gay context, this phrase means a trusted female friend whom one can confides anything in.

I think my coming out to a handful of friends has earned me such a friend. She's sensible and rational. She's always ready to give good advices—even if she doesn't have them, she has resources to consult to and in turn forwards the advices to me.

At first, I only talked to her on matters regarding my sexuality, because at that time I was only out to her. But slowly I started to talk about my career, my ambitions etc. and now practically anything when I need opinion on.

I do not have many friends that I can talk to. So when I'm having a hard time, I try my best to get through it. If I really need someone to talk to, I would chat with her. Like the other day, we talked about my career. She told me not to make decisions recklessly.

roti: Okok, promise you I'll think over even if I get an offer tomorrow. You'll be made known about it too.

pink: LOL, knowing u, u'd probably hop on a plane and settle down there, then baru tell me

(I thought that was really true considering my track record to her. I only told her about something happened to me after I have made a decision)

roti: Haha. I'll try not to haha

pink: omg it's 2.40 am. Could you please just sleep already????

roti: Yeah, go to sleep woman.

pink: u've got a haywired bio clock

roti: Damn true

pink: yeah yeah good night gay man

roti: good night woman :)

I think that's a casual conversation, which rarely happens on me. I can hardly put up a casual conversation like this with others.

While I may not be successful in looking for my significant other, I think at least there's someone I can talk to when I need some sense of acknowledgement. I'd say I'm pretty lucky already.

Do you have such a friend? Male or female?

猜不透 你最近时好时坏的沉默
我也不想去追问太多
让试探为彼此的心 上了锁

猜不透 相处会比分开还寂寞
兩个人都只是得过且过
无法感受每次触摸 是真的 是热的

如果忽远忽近的洒脱 是你要的自由
那我宁愿回到一个人生活

如果忽冷忽热的温柔 是你的借口
那我宁愿对你从没认真过

到底这感觉谁对谁错 我已不想追究
越是在乎的人越是猜不透

我相信苦涩的眼泪
我不信甜美的誓言

我相信爱情的纯粹
我不信华丽的诗篇

我相信热烈的争辩
我不信无声的和谐

我相信秒秒的瞬间
我不信年年的永远

Lately, I've decided to put up my profile photo on Grindr. It turns out I've got some 'market' too. I guess although I'm not really gorgeous looking, I'm not as bad as I thought too. At least people are still willing to start a chat with me.

Also lately, when I'm browsing on Grindr, there's this one guy that really got my attention. Decent looking (that's how I and probably most of us 'browse' anyway). But what got my attention the most is his 'About'. I've never encountered another person who describes himself in a way so alike to me.

After stalking observing him for some time, one fine day I went on searching for things about him on the Internet. It's not that hard to look for things about him with the online information gathering skills that I'm kinda proud of. Plus, the name he puts there is kinda uncommon. Within a couple of minutes, I get to know his full name, where he works and has worked at, his blog etc. I know it's kinda creepy that I'm able to get to know so much about him (like those pervert middle-aged stalkers) but well I guess stalking online is socially acceptable, right? After all, we all do that on Facebook all the time (actually I don't).

So back to this guy, I wanted to know him but I think again and it's probably better to train myself to be more confident talking to others first.

I'm probably overly careful but I guess it's because I'm really concerned to make sure I do well. Also, I want to observe myself to make sure it won't be like last time, and I really want to affirm my feelings and thought before making a move.

So do you stalk on Grindr like I do? =P

Happy Chinese New Year!

Things turn ugly when I'm leaving. The source of problem is of course myself again.

This is probably worse than my previous job.

Fuck.

P.S.: My wrath now is a lot more than what you see here.

I'm not talking about the gay dating site—I'm talking about the ability to 'sense' and identify whether a person is gay or not i.e. gay + radar.

Have you ever wonder why most gay people have gaydar whereas we've never heard of straight people having 'straightdar' i.e. ability to identify whether a person is straight?

I have a theory. Gay people have long been treated as something not in the norm of the society, e.g. by default, people would assume anyone is straight. The normal has always been for the straight but not for the gay. And when the society deems the norm to be straight, gay people have to find ways to look for people like them. That in turn makes them to gain the ability to observe very subtle clues. I believe if the perception towards gay and straight in the society was the other way round, the straight people would be the ones who gain their 'straightdar' and gaydar probably wouldn't exist.

I think gaydar is basically an ability developed in gay people (based on stereotypes on gay people themselves, i.e. what you think a gay person would behave like) due to human's social instinct to find a community they belong to. When not being used for finding like-minded people, I think gaydar is just really sharp observation skills.

IMHO there's some connexion between gaydar and gay people's fashion sense. Gay as we know are generally better than straight people in fashion sense and many are some of the best fashion designers. I don't think it comes by coincidence, nor it comes naturally. I would believe that by gaining gaydar, gay designers also gain sharp observation skills which in turn give them great fashion sense.

But I heard for some people, gaydar deteriorates over time. I've heard people used to be good in it lost it almost totally without apparent reasons. While I don't think one would lose its observation skills without apparent reasons, I can't find an explanation of losing gaydar.

But then again, not every gay person has gaydar. Some have never had it but probably still live a good life as a gay person.

So do you have gaydar? Anyone has already lost it? Have you ever put your gaydar in used other than finding gay people?

EDIT: DISCLAIMER: I'm not trying to promote sexual activities to anyone here. To me personally, sexual activities should be between couples who are committed in a healthy relationship. If you're still a virgin, I would advise you to keep your virginity for your true love and be proud of being able to keep your virginity.

Yup, I'm one of them. I have tried both top and bottom positions but neither works for me. I just don't get the pleasure from both positions (in fact I like cuddling and frotting more).

note: come to think of it, this is probably the most 'outspoken' blog post of mine so far…

It was kinda disturbing for me. I thought a gay man should like either one, or both. But I realised it isn't the case when I read about it on the Internet. In fact according to many sources, most gay men don't enjoy anal sex as much as they do for other forms of sexual activities.

I think the gay pornography industry publicises anal sex too much and causes this misconception to even gay men. Many think that anal sex is 'the' sex and the rest are just for foreplay. But other forms of sex e.g. blowjob, frottage, intercrural sex, mutual masturbation etc. can actually be primary means of intimacy too.

When talking to a gay man, most of us would ask whether he's a top or bottom, or versatile. I'm not exactly a bottom – I prefer to be 'taken care of' (not effeminate though), thus a less dominant role. So when someone asks me this question, I usually say that I'm a versatile bottom. But somehow I now think it's not the exact answer. Maybe next time I'll just answer I'm not into anal. :)

Come to think of it, this is probably why according to a survey done by Simonlover, there are so many versatile gay men in Malaysia. I wonder if some of them are like me, not into anal but because there is no such 'option' in the categorisation, so they chose 'versatile'? The 'categorisation' we have been using so far is, in a way, over-generalisation. Asking whether a person is a top or bottom assumes the person is into anal sex.

Instead of asking whether a person is top or bottom (a closed-ended question), we can probably ask 'what kind of sex are you into?' (an open-ended question). So the answer can be anything like (but not limiting to; and can be multiple too):

• Anal sex, as a top
• Anal sex, versatile
• Face-fucking
• Cock sucking
• Frottage
• Cuddling
• etc.

So what is in your list?

I stumbled upon several video clips on same-sex marriage recently. It seems to be getting a lot of momentum in Western countries.

I especially love the Australian marriage equality ad:

Iowa:

Ireland: