it's so disheartening when even ur family don't understand ur passion, that even the industry people say u r good in.
i think my mum is still not happy with me taking this particular course that i graduated with flying colors (yes i really mean it) in my uni, the only thing is just that she can't do anything about it.
very disheartening, indeed. until today she hasn't accepted the fact that i m so much better in that industry (which i currently can't be fully in) than other industry.
i shall not speak of my future transition plan to her anymore. not that she can understand nor she will support.
but it's ok. the magical thing is that when u r doing something u have passion for, and hanging out with people who think alike as u, it's not a big deal to lose a few hours of sleep.
likewise when it comes to things u totally have no passion about, being with people who u can't get into their world and mode of thinking, it feels uncomfortable every moment of it, and every second, u keep counting the time left before u r off.
I bumped into a pretty inspiring article:
I especially like the part about work. I knew it all along, and I have some rough plans to on starting my own projects - in fact, I have already started; but I didn't put a timeframe to it as the planning of it. I think at least the article has alerted me about putting a slightly more concrete plan.If I were to ask if you were a runner, what would you say? Before you answer let me be clear, I’m not referring to a person who goes out every morning and jogs a few miles. Instead, I’m talking about the person who runs away from the truths of everyday life.Whether you consider yourself a runner or not, the reality is, we all run from truths we don’t wish to accept. Some of us like to run more than others, but in the end everyone is a runner. Many go to great lengths to avoid facing reality and in the process end up miserable. Personally, I’ve done enough “running” in my life to qualify for a gold medal at the Olympics. But at the end of the day, we can only run so long.Contrary to popular belief, personal growth is not all about being positive and in a zen state 24/7. It’s certainty important to look at the positive aspects of life and live in a state of flow, but honest personal growth also requires that you take a hard look at your reality even if it’s not where you want it to be. To get from point A to point B you have to be honest with yourself first.The following are 7 truths you may be running from and several tips to face them.
You’re Not HealthyAre you as healthy as you want to be? Be honest. I’m not talking about having a six pack or bulging biceps but rather a life that is congruent with remarkable physical and mental health. If you are living a healthy lifestyle I applaud you, but for those who are not it’s certainly not too late to start now.If your lifestyle is anything like an “average” American, chances are you aren’t all that healthy. This isn’t something to beat yourself up over however, simply accept where you’re currently at. The first step to change is to acknowledge that changes needs to be made.Because this article is about facing truths, I’m going to be honest and say that I am not nearly as healthy as I want to be. By no stretch of the imagination do I consider myself overweight, but my physical health is definitely something I need to continue to work on. If I spent as much time physically running as I did metaphorically I’d be set ;).
Action StepsBe Specific: Getting specific about what you want in regard to health is essential in being at the top of your game. Give yourself specific actions you can take that you know will bring yourself into alignment with better health. Saying, “I need to eat better” is a weak goal to have. Instead be specific: “I’ll replace drinking a glass of whole milk, with a glass of water.Fun Fact: A glass of whole milk has as much saturated fat as 5 pieces of bacon. (Source =Switch)Start Small: What area can you work on TODAY that will bring you benefits in the long run? Don’t begin with a radical diet/exercise overhaul because you will only burn out. Take small steps that you know you can do on a routine basis. It’s essential to create a routine because routines don’t require motivation as fuel. Take the first step.Start a Food Journal: Some say this may be a bit excessive, but it gets results. Instead of counting calories, simply write down what it is that you eat. Do this for several weeks and you’ll be sure to find some patterns that may need to fix.Walk Daily: By far the easiest way to get into the shape you need, is to go on a daily walk. Not only is it good for you, it will give you time to get away and relax. In Healthy At 100, a book on those who live to the age of 100, nearly every Centenarian walked at least an hour a day. Coincidence? I think not.
Your Relationships Are Holding You BackUnfortunately, many of us cling to relationships that are obviously doing more harm than good. I’ve certainly been there before myself as well. It’s safe to say that you and I both know those kind of relationships, the ones you recognize you need to let go but you just feel you can’t.Maybe you’re hanging onto a romantic relationship because you’ve been dating for several years and are scared of change. Or perhaps you’re still friends with Johnny, now a serial killer druggie, just because he was your best friend in 3rd grade. Sometimes you need to let go.Being loyal to an old friend or partner who you are no longer compatible with is only intelligent for so long, then you’re just wasting your time and blocking future relationship possibilities.This truth can be particularly hard to accept but deep down it’s usually obvious. I’ve dropped a handful of relationships throughout my life because there was no longer the compatibility there once was. Again, I know this isn’t always easy but it’s something we all must face.
Action StepsExamine Your Relationships: Taking a hard look at your relationships takes a effort, but is also very important. How do you examine your relationships? Literally ask: ” How do I feel about Suzie Q?” Be honest with yourself and how you feel. Don’t splenda coat your answers. Do you feel your social circle is helping you contribute to the world? Does your current friends and family lift you up instead of bring you down? Only you know for certain.Talk With Those You Love: Part of examining your relationships is having dialogue with those you care about. If you feel as if a certain relationship isn’t helping the both of you, it’s important you talk things out. Putting up with a relationship just because you’re afraid of change is not only selfish, it hurts both of you in the long run. Talking about your relationships can be scary and nerve racking but again that doesn’t change the reality of the situation. Make communication a high priority.Ask a Friend or Trusted One: If you’re struggling with a particular relationship it can be beneficial to ask someone you trust for advice. Often times an outside source will be able to give you some insights that you may miss. Be open to their opinion as it is likely they have a more objective view than you. Obviously, you don’t have to agree fully with what they say but just be willing to listen. If you’re struggling romantically try asking your best friend an honest prediction of what he or she predicts will happen in the future, this exercise may take courage but can be very mind opening.
You’re Indifferent About Your Career[If you're working a job you LOVE you can safely skip this section. Don't worry... I still love you.]Although I’ve yet to have an official career, I know what it is like to struggle through work you can’t stand. I honestly believe if you’re simply content with your current career you’re being selfish. That may be harsh to say, but there is simply no reason you can’t be doing work you’re completely passionate about.Sure, you have to make money to pay the bills and provide for your family, but putting in the extra work to create a meaningful career is well worth the energy and will allow you to contribute far more value into the world.Realizing that you aren’t currently enjoying your career is the first step to creating one in which you do.
Action StepsStart Your Own Projects: If you aren’t currently happy with your career there are a plethora of options for you to consider. Starting side projects don’t require that you quit your job or tell your boss he’s fat, but it will require a bit of extra effort on your part. Accept those facts and get moving. Start now.Realize There IS a way out: If you can’t fathom working a career that you love,it’s time you realize what age we’re in. I hate to sound cliche but anything is possible. There are plenty ofpeople “crushing it” on a daily basis all because they realize what is attainable.Change Your Friends: Again, changing your friends may seem a bit harsh, but so is going to a job you hate everyday. If you’re surrounded by people who only wish to remain in the status quo, it’s no wonder you feel suffocated by what you call work. If you really wish to start contributing, it is likely in your best interest to create a new social circle that will support your future dreams and aspirations. It’s not totally necessary to cut all ties, but certainly something to consider. Work with a best friend? Bring them along.What Are You Passionate About? Maybe you’ve been stuck in a dead end job for far too long and don’t even know what you’re passionate about. Not a problem. Open up a word document and do some journaling. Ask yourself questions like: If money was not an option what would I love to do? What brings me joy? See where those questions take you, then work to make it happen.
Your Fears Are Keeping You GroundedWhy do we run? In short, it’s because we are afraid. Seth Godin likes to say it’s because of our Lizard Brain. Regardless, being afraid isn’t particularly helpful in reaching our goals and dreams.Healthy Fears: Being afraid of snakes
Stupid Fears: Everything else.I find it remarkable how much energy we waste on fearing situations and outcomes that don’t have a remote chance in actually happening. If you live in a constant state of fear it’s nearly impossible to lead a tribe or create a revolution.It’s unrealistic to believe we can knock fear out completely, but we can certainly attack the bastard once he stands up.
Action StepsBe Bold: When I attended Steve Pavlina’s Conscious Growth Workshop in January (think what you will), we did a variety of power exercises that helped us get out of our comfort zones. This included going up on stage to sing, or asking a person who was playing the slot machines what year it was. Pushing yourself doesn’t require much other than a bit of courage. Tell that Starbucks girl you think she’s beautiful. Say thank you to the professor that has changed the way you thought. Be bold.If You Knew What You Couldn’t Fail: What actions would you take if you knew you could not fail? I realize this is an often cheesy question cited in several dozen personal development books, but it is a powerful thought exercise nonetheless. What would you do if you couldn’t fail? I can’t hear you.Do What You’re Afraid of: Considering this post is littered with hundreds of painful cliches, I figure I’m on a roll so without further a do: Do what you’re afraid of. To over come any fears that hinder your success you must face them. If I would have let my fears get the best of me, you wouldn’t be reading this post right now.
You’re More Remarkable Than You ThinkAh! So the personal development blog is finally positive! Yes wise one, very nice of you to notice. (With that failed Yoda moment let us continue.)I hate to burst your I-feel-sorry-for-my-self-bubble, a bubble we all live in from time to time, but you are more remarkable than you think.Unfortunately, because of social conditioning and being thrown in a locker everyday of the 3rd grade, ( that never happened to you?) we often feel as if we offer nothing of value to the world. But that couldn’t but farther from the truth.STOP THINKING THAT YOU’RE NOT REMARKABLE (CAPS mean I’m screaming.) I promise no matter who you are or where you’re from you having something to give to the world. Don’t believe me? Send me an email and I’d be happy to help you.Here’s the truth: Being remarkable scares you. Knowing that you can create long lasting changing is hard to wrap your mind around. But the reality is we can do all those things and more. You are more remarkable than you think.NO ACTIONS STEPS BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW TO BE REMARKABLE.
You Like To Be UnhappyFeeling high off positivity after hearing you’re more remarkable than you think? Back to reality ;) You like to be unhappy.It might be odd to hear that you like to be unhappy because that goes against common sense. All I want is to BE HAPPY you might say. Yet many of your actions aren’t congruent with that statement. Don’t worry I like being unhappy from time to time too.Obviously, we don’t really want to be unhappy, yet many times our actions and thoughts don’t allow us to experience the state of flow we all want and desire.
Action StepsBecome More Mindful of Your Thoughts: Becoming mindful of your thoughts will quickly lead you into noticing various thought patterns you may have. Throughout the day notice the language you choose to use. Warning: you may be fairly surprised.Notice How Much You Complain: Complaining is your way of saying to the world I want to be unhappy, yet so many of us do so on a regular basis. Simply becoming aware of how much you complain will really wake you up to how lucky you are. Try going an entire day without complaining.Create A Gratitude Journal: To combat your tendency to complain try the opposite approach. When you feel the urge to complain about the guy who just cut you off, be thankful that you have a car to drive. I’m not talking about superficial gratitude but rather being sincere in all the blessings you have. I like to express my gratitude right before I go to sleep.
Your Habits SuckWe like to think we have everything figured out, that our daily routine is effective for everyone involved. But rarely is that the case.It’s safe to say that if you’re not currently living the life you want your habits are to blame.Again, since this post is about being honest, the last 6 months I’ve struggled with creating habits that will get me to where I want to be. Only recently have I realized (or stopped running) from the truth. I’m currently in the process of making great habits that I know will take me where I want to be.
Action StepsStart a 30 day trial: The best way to change a bad habit is to start a 30 day trial supporting a new and improved one. I’ve done several of these with wonderful success. I’m certainly not the first person to suggest a 30 day trial but I can attest to how beneficial they have been for me.Write Down Your Activities For The Day: Writing down everything you do for one day will really open your eyes to how little you actually accomplish. You don’t have to have every hour of your calendar filled to have a productive day, instead do work that really matters then you can sleep at night.What Habits Do You Want? Take a moment and think about the habits you think would help you reach your goals. Start small and aim to implement these habits at a pace in which you can keep up. You may struggle in establishing a habit but it will be worth it in the end.
Stop RunningWhether you like to admit it or not, we all run from truths from time to time. Instead of running from a reality take a moment to consciously face your current situation.Being honest with yourself is perhaps one of the greatest characteristics you can have, because only when you are honest with yourself can you begin to change.No matter how strong you think you are, you can’t run forever. Facing reality may be difficult and you may struggle, but it is far better than turning your back from the truth. As Shakespeare once said “Cowards die a thousand deaths.”
One of the reasons of me hating my job is (another babbling on work), having to work with everyone in department who is not industrial savvy but thinks they are.
This is especially true when I attend some industrial updates event with them. I can get the idea the speakers are trying to convey very fast, but not for the rest. They always ask 'stupid' questions (which make me really feel like rolling my eyes). Okay, I'll bear with that, because everyone has the right to know, although they could have taken some initiatives to get more industrial updates in their personal time, so that they don't appear that ignorant. But the worse part is that sometimes they ask for the sake of asking, just to make an appeal to the bosses, even though the questions are totally unrelated - a good sign that they are totally clueless. I myself feel so embarrassed in front of the speakers and audience for being with people who ask such questions.
They asked me why do I keep quiet and not asking questions during these meetings. So far I only smile as the response. But the real answer is that I can understand the topics well, there's no point for asking silly questions.
I take pride with the industrial knowledge I hold, and with my constant initiatives and perseverance on getting myself updated on the industry. But living with these people really sucks. I don't know how they got into their positions, because a part of the the role of my department is to drive the company with our industrial knowledge. But just because of a degree or work experience from 20 years ago don't justify the constantly changing industry.
I will and must leave this place someday. I am not going to waste my knowledge on this field (which is my interest) in this place where it cannot be utilized.
Hmph! My resignation shall let you rot in Paleolithic age!
I'm a bit crazy today.
I hop on the LRT, but was undecided on where to go. Then I reached a station where I can transit to KTM, and suddenly decided to go to my old place. So I got off and took KTM and then bus.
I'm now in LRT on my way back home. Took a taxi to LRT station just now.
Maybe next time I'll try to go somewhere by plane or bicycle just to lepak alone. =p
I realized I have put up a lot of trash onto this blog lately...
Time to rethink the appropriate things to post here. It's meaningless if I bore my readers and at the end no one really reads my blog when I need advice...
Care about the environment. Go green. Green with envy.
Make the step now! If they won't let you transfer, then quit and go
elsewhere. I know your current job tends to be more stable, but I think
mental stability is more important. ;-)
i don't like u =(
u spreaded lies and false rumours. just because u suspect me, doesn't mean u should spread lies to test me. =(
to some extent, i think i hate u! =(
have u thought of the consequences, of your way of proving? if i'm not, i might lose a good friend, and u might lose two. if i'm, i probably will still lose a friend and you still will probably lose two. what good will it bring u even ur suspicion is proven? does it even affect ur life?
tmd. knn. kns. ccb.
u selfish turds. as ur so-called 'friend', i find my greatest value to u is the entertainment value being in ur evil gossips and idle talking, and probably the 'face' that u gain when u r able to get the first hand info that no one else knows.
i will endure. and i will definitely plan to flee as far away from u as possible. and if i can gain back my guts before i leave, i will definitely fight back. wait and see. i'm no tom, dick or harry when i get mad. while i might not be able to escape from the hell u made me into, i definitely still have enough strength to bring u down together.
*more vulgar words*....
Gathering with my ex-colleagues yesterday was a nice catchup, except when they mentioned a little about homosexuality. Apparently before I joined, there's another staff who is a lesbian. One of my bosses told me that they are very open - they don't mind if anyone of them is gay or lesbian, except for the other boss.
Today, colleagues in my dept was talking about another colleague (I'll name him Victim to ease the story-telling) who is outstation now. So Colleague I told Colleague II that Victim has a partner. All of us in the dept know that Victim is a bit sissy. And I have overheard Victim's phone conversation before, so I was 80% sure he's gay. Then when Colleague I and II went on discussing Victim's partner, apparently Colleague II didn't have any idea about Victim's partner (neither did I). So Colleague I said, 'Oh, you don't know that Victim's partner is a guy? Isn't he gay? His partner is of course a guy.' 'How did you know?' 'Oh, Colleague III told me about it. And Colleague III said this guy is married, to a girl. ...' and they went on.
Victim is close to Colleague III. Considering Victim isn't out to anyone else, he must be close to Colleague III. But Colleague III is definitely not a good friend from my point of view. Because he told another person about Victim's secret (maybe it is not so secretive but it's not so public either).
I totally lost my confidence in telling any of my friend about my sexuality, looking at how untrustworthy these 'friends' are, no matter how close they seems to be.
Anyway, I was listening to their conversation, and turned to them and smile a bit several times throughout the conversation, as a sign of courtesy that I'm listening, although I don't want to comment about it. At the end of the conversation, Colleague II turned to me and told me not to learn from Victim.
I know all of them didn't mean anything discrimination towards gays. And I do admit the way they put gays into jokes and idle talking is not right but many of us do that, even to disabled people, elder people etc, sometimes without realizing it. But I still mind a little.
Went for a dinner and catchup with my old colleagues. I worked with them for only 2 months. But I feel my service and my talent are so much more appreciated there. They are a bunch of casual, easygoing, straightforward guys that appreciate good talents. I feel I can achieve so much with them, unlike so little that I can accomplish with my current job.
My ex-boss bought us all dinner, one that is so much more expensive as compared to my normal meals. Contemporary western dishes. I skipped the appetizer, went straight to the soup and main course, and then skipped the dessert. Only two dishes with another glass of drink, the price for my portion of this meal is more or less enough for my normal 3-meals-a-day for 1 week. OMG I've never had such luxurious western food before. It tastes so good (probably partly due to the price =P).
My ex-boss also bought me a book. They know I have been having a tough time with my current job. They are sympathetic and they do feel the waste for my skills being much underutilized and not appreciated. So they bought a book about work for me, to motivate me. My colleagues left some meaningful words for me in the book. Indeed, upon reading their words, I'm touched. They are where I can still feel my value in this world, I can only feel I'm still a useful person when with them. I'm very touched.
Although I'm tired and sleepy, I still opened up my computer because I want to take this feeling down in this blog.
I'm at it again. I didn't have a proper lunch.
Malas lah. None of my housemates are around. No one is having lunch with me. Malas to walk to the nearest place with food. (no car)
While I'm a big eater, but once I skipped a proper meal, I can almost instantly see my waistline become smaller as my pants at the best fit will loosen slightly.
sigh. I need some discipline. But I have been like this since my uni days.
ah I'm so fake. I thought I wouldn't go but eventually I went.
Anyway, I think 老天 wanted me to go. It was last night that I realized I needed to settle something in the office. Kebetulan the gathering is so near to my office. And since I was nearby already, it doesn't make sense not even to drop by and say hi, at least for courtesy.
I said hi and I shook their hands. But I don't feel as much animosity this time. Maybe they are good in hiding it and putting on fake smiles, or maybe they really don't hold any grudge against me anymore. I'll believe it's the latter (as usual, I'll look at the better side of humanity). Actually I don't feel I put on a fake smile - I think my smile was real.
Let unhappy things begone. =)
I learned another good step of my life. Fate has decided to let me learn.
I have been using hair tonic thanks to my thinning hair.
I used up my last drop of hair tonic last night. So I went for a hunt for a new bottle today.
Been to Watson and Guardian. None sells the brand that I want.
During the weekend, my sis told me to buy eye cream, because my crow's feet are worse than those of an old man.
Sign of getting less young. =((
A friend called up for a gathering, inviting all of my Chinese uni batch mates.
We were a really small group. There's only very few of us Chinese. But it doesn't break the norm of being divided into groups due to arguments.
An old friend wished me happy birthday in Fb. He's as cheerful as I know him before. After so long having no contact with him, his birthday wish triggered my memories.
The time when I started to realize my attraction to guys (despite denial of being gay) was when he first groped me in a class. I felt a little excited, except when he told other classmates that he was groping me, I felt a little uneasy. Even so, I realized that I actually enjoyed being groped by him.
Some time later, he tried to kiss me on my lips in school, openly, in front of our friends. I know I wanted to be kissed, but I don't want to appear I like it in front of my other friends. So I gently rejected but was still hoping that he forced his kiss on me. LOL. It never came true though.
After that incident, he never did anything on me anymore.
But I strongly believe that his actions 'activated' my gay sense, triggered the rest of my story thereafter.
Over these years, I have heard stories of him with other girls. I believe someone like him most probably won't have any problems getting a girlfriend, even shortly after breaking up with another.
I checked his Fb profile, hoping for something different. He's single now, but he's interested in women.
Ironically, a straight turned me into gay.
I wanted to put the title as 'Dog bites dog. Black eats black.' But it sounds racist. But the black here doesn't mean the black people. It's actually literally translated common Chinese saying.
I saw it happened this afternoon.
One of the things that I hate in corporate world is that people use their power and influence to make you do things in their ways. I have seen that a lot in my dept head, and this is the feature that I despise and disrespect him the most. You may say I'm naive, but I believe the best leaders are those who use their virtues to make others submit to them (Chinese: 以德服人).
Anyway, what happened today is that, my dept head was done that same thing he has done on many others. Looking at how it happened actually thrills me a little (although I was scolded by someone on an instruction from my dept head). I think that's his retribution for doing the same.
I'm not going to disclose the details - it won't be interesting anyway. But I really like the fact that my dept head has got the same treatment he has given to others. Muahaha~ (Okay, I don't dare to laugh like that in front of him)
In any case, I still look forward for the day that I can leave this hell. I'll consider today as a motivation to fight for my exit.
Whatever you do, you can lie others, you can lie yourself, but you can't lie the heaven. You're always watched, so make fair judgment, and do whatever that is right. =)
Imagine you woke up with your eyes still sleepy. You literally dragged yourself to the toilet to do business. And you step on a puddle of water on the toilet floor. At first you didn't feel anything wrong, but suddenly you realized that the puddle of water didn't look like water. You had another look at it, it looked a little yellowish. You were shocked. You couldn't believe what you had stepped on, and you stupidly wiped your feet with your index finger and slowly put it near your nose just to confirm it, and it was confirmed. You had just stepped on a puddle of pee.
How's that? It happened to me this morning. Eww!
I know one of my housemates is not so hygienic. He never picked up a broom to clean his room, not to mention the whole house. That doesn't matter anymore since the room is his, and our housemates do take care of the cleaniness of the house. He drops hair a lot, and the strings of hair curl on the bathroom and toilet floor and sludge sticks on the hair in a matter of several days right after the last cleaning. That's not that okay, but I know not everyone is willing to clean the bathroom and toilet and no one can control his hair drop. But wtf, peeing on the floor?! You might as well live in a kennel! Holyshit!
I know you might not have completely waken up when you peed and wasn't able to aim properly. But after you've done, at least wash it away with water, from the most convenient rubber tube beside. What is so hard about it?? My goodness!
I can literally count so many of his bad living habits that I have never seen in a single person before for my entire life! He doesn't turn off the fan and/or lights when he's not using it, sometimes he even leaves the fan on the whole day while he's working. He lets the tap water flow at its fastest speed while taking his own sweet time shaving. He doesn't lock the house door after coming in. ...and so on. Anyway, all of those does not piss me off as much as his piss on the floor!
My goodness, I'm living with someone who is more unhygienic than my dog.
I really think this job doesn't suit me.
(ok it's about my job again.)
My job deals with vendors. Many times vendors cannot deliver as promised. My job includes to 'push' them to deliver as soon as possible.
Like usual, I did it again today, 'pushing' a vendor.
And it seems like there's my company's email server broke down. Incoming external email cannot reach me. I tried to call the account manager but couldn't reach him. I left a message in the voicemail asking him to call me back but I didn't receive any call.
So I thought the vendor has not delivered as promised, and was trying to avoid me. After seeking advice from a senior colleague, he encouraged me to write to the account manager's superior to complain on the under-delivery.
So I wrote the email.
In the afternoon, I still get no response, not even from the account manager's superior. Before the day ends, I finally reached the account manager, by SMS. He said that he has replied all my emails, and that he has delivered the promised documents to my user. Later I found out that my company's email server is not running well, and the documents I had been chasing for was already with the user.
I was caught in an awkward position. I know how it feels being wronged by others. I feel sorry for him. I can completely understand he didn't want to reply my call because I wrongly complained on him.
I wanted to apologise for the mistake, but someone said there's no need for that. As the client and a bigger company, we shouldn't apologise to vendors on this kind of petty matters - that will make them being arrogant towards our company and our company will lose its 'face' to the vendors.
So should I just keep quiet and do not reply anything to let it be? I as the worker of the company shouldn't. Stop replying means I admit my mistake and company will lose 'face'. I had to squeeze some mistakes at the account manager's part to make him guilty.
So I replied him, blaming that he should call me back since he received my message in his voicemail. And I had to make it wordy to make it sound strong.
This is the worst day of my humanity this far. I believe there will be worse to come.